Unicorn Teleporting Pod

“The Unicorn in Captivity”-Tapestry, circa 1500

So, you’ve caught a unicorn and don’t know what to do with it. That’s absolutely no problem, because we’ll be glad to take it off your hands!

You can teleport your unicorn through this easy-to-follow, step-by-step procedure:

Step 1: Write about your unicorn. You can do this in the form of a unique question you want to ask. Or it can be a unique observation, or a story about something unique that happened to you. Or a unique life-situation you find yourself in. Or maybe you have a unique opinion, and want to write an op-ed. Or it can be anything else unique.

There are no rules, except the ones I make up as we go along. Just about anything goes, in unicorn land, as long as it’s unique. And as long as it’s not the sort of unique thing that will get me into trouble.

As for format, it can be short or long. Simple or head-scratchingly complex. Good grammar or pre-school grammar. Proper spelling or atroshious speleen. Well-researched or barroom blather. Like I say, anything goes.

Step 2: Beam your unicorn to:

But please don’t include attachments, because my computer is afraid of catching viruses. And cover your mouth when you email, for crying out loud.

I will practice email etiquette, too. I will discard your email address after dealing with the unicorn you sent. I will not store nor distribute your email address. Nor will I use it for newsletters, promotionals, coupons, ads, blads, memes, political campaigns, tearful campaigns for charities, spamming, phishing, fishing, phreaking, flaming, or frickin’ anything else.

Step 3: Once I receive your email, I’ll take over from there, so don’t worry about Step 3. Worried anyway? I don’t blame you. After all, this is your precious unicorn, and you’ve just handed it over to a stranger.

Well, there’s no need to fear. I love all monocorneous equines. Here’s what I’ll do with the wonderful gift you’ve sent us:

First, I’ll look it over. If it truly is a unicorn, and not a rhinoceros, or narwhal, or one-horned goat, or some other impostor, I’ll put it up in a corral and beam you a thank you note.

Next, your unicorn will have to wait its turn to be put on exhibit. There could be other unicorns ahead of it, and they may start snorting and gouging and kicking if someone takes cuts.

Finally, when your unicorn’s time comes, I’ll groom it, harness it, and lead it out of its corral. Then I’ll tie it to a post. Or rather, I’ll post it. I’ll treat your unicorn royally, like I’d treat any guest post. I’ll even include a link to your blog, as long as you sent me the link in your email (please do). And then I’ll leave it up to all the followers of this blog to read and comment.

And that’s all there is to it.

Oh yeah, one other thing. I’m not naming names, but some of the followers of this blog are real smart asses. They just can’t help but get snarky and smart-alecky with their comments. So be mentally prepared, in order to avoid a shock.

And don’t forget, there are no rules. So you can get just as snarky and smart-alecky when you riposte back, with your comments. In fact I encourage it. Instead of turning the other cheek, just get cheeky.

So what are you waiting for? If you don’t have one already, go chase a unicorn and bring it back to share with the rest of us. We’re bored and need something to neigh, whinny and stamp about. Let’s talk unicorns!