NOTE: Awhile back, Carolyn Shelton, at Nuggets of Gold, challenged me to write an interesting post about math. I bragged that I could, but I’m worried I might have miscalculated. But I’ll let the reader be the judge. This post is my attempt to make math interesting.
You may have noticed, from time-to-time, numbers that refer to temperature, appended with the letter “C,” such as 16C, 28C, or 40C. The C stands for “Canadian.” Some claim it stands for “Celsius,” but I know better. I suspect it’s all part of a Canadian plot to take over the United States.
When Canadian radio and TV stations beam their “Voice of Canada” propaganda to us, and they say it’s 28 degrees outside, they’re hoping we’ll put on long underwear and heavy coats. That way, when we go outside we’ll all die of a heat stroke. And then they can overrun us, and expand their territory all the way down to the nice, toasty-warm sunbelt. Oh, how Canadians covet our sunbelt!
Don’t fall for it! The Canadian system for measuring temperature is fuck-all. It can confuse the hell out of us Americans, and kill us, if we’re not careful. That’s because we rely upon the old-fashioned, tried-and-true system of measuring temperature, invented in 1724 by the Polish-German Dutch citizen, Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit. That man was a true genius.
Under Fahrenheit’s system, water freezes at 32F, and boils at 212F. Nothing could be simpler. But under the confusing, headache-inducing Canadian system, water freezes at 0C and boils at 100C. How strange! And they expect people to remember that?!
If you’re an American, I want to help you understand the Canadian system, so that it won’t fool you into boiling yourself to death, by jumping into a swimming pool that displays a temperature of 100C. (That’s another dirty trick Canadians try to pull on us.) And if you’re Canadian, you can take all of your dangerously inaccurate, Canadian-calibrated thermometers and shove them up a moose’s ass.
There’s a very simple mathematical formula for converting the nefarious Canadian temperatures to safer and saner Fahrenheit, which reads as follows:
F = (C X 9/5) + 32
In other words, you take the stupid Canadian temperature (C), multiply it by nine-fifths, then add 32, and you get the ingenious and far superior Fahrenheit temperature (F). Easy, eh?! Why, anybody can do that in their heads, in a split-second.
Okay, so maybe it’s not so easy. “There has to be a better way!” you protest. Well, we Americans do love to protest. And not in vain, because we’re in luck. I have a different formula for converting Canadian to Fahrenheit, that I think you’re going to like. It tends to be much faster, while only sacrificing accuracy a slight amount. But who gives a damn about accuracy when we’re talking about temperatures? Close enough is good enough.
I call this formula the 0-4 Dozen-Plus Canadian Dyslexic Transposition Rule. The name alone should be simple enough to remember, but let’s get into the actual formula itself:
This rule requires that you remember that 0C equals 32F, or the freezing temperature of water. Now, add a 4 to 0C, so that the temperature is 04C. After this, get dyslexia. When you’re dyslexic, 04 transposes to 40. So, if it’s 04 degrees Canadian outside, that means it’s about 40 degrees Fahrenheit. Well, actually it’s 39.2F, but like I say, close enough is good enough.
Next, add a dozen degrees to 04C, and you will get 16C. Get dyslexia again, and 16C will transpose to 61F. That’s pretty close to accurate, though not perfect. Actually, it’s 60.8F, but who gives a shit? Let’s pretend we’re throwing hand grenades, where perfect accuracy is not required.
Every dozen degrees Canadian that you continue to add, allows you to get dyslexic and come up with a close conversion to Fahrenheit. So, 28C equals 82F. 40C equals 104F (Note that after you get past 28C you have to place a 1 in front of the conversion result.)
Here’s a chart of the conversions, so you can see at a glance how easy it is to fool those mossy-brained Canadians:
0C = 32F
04C = 40F (actually, 39.2F)
16C = 61F (actually, 60.8F)
28C = 82F (actually, 82.4F)
40C = 104F (with perfect accuracy)
52C = 125F (actually, 125.6F)
64C = 146F (actually, 147.2F)
76C = 167F (actually, 168.8F)
88C = 188F (actually, 190.4F)
100C = 212F
For temperature conversions between the 12-degree intervals, just multiply every 1 degree Canadian above an interval point, by 2 degrees Fahrenheit, and add to the conversion achieved at the interval point. For example, if the confusing Canadians say it’s 7C outside, then you know that at 4C, the actual, real, safe-and-sane temperature is 40F. Subtract 4C from 7C, and you’ll get 3. Multiply that by 2, and you’ll get 6. Add that to 40F, and you’ll get the rough approximation of 46F (It will actually be 44.6F, but who cares? That’s close enough.)
Dyslexia won’t work for 100C, so you have to remember that this equals 212F. But everybody knows that. Also, I don’t have a formula for temperatures below 0C or above 100C. Looks like the damned Canucks have the better of us in those areas. But we can fight back with the numbers between 0 and 100, and those numbers matter the most in our everyday lives.
I hope this post helps you to countervail the dangerous effects of Canadian-scaled temperatures. It could save your life. And if you’re Carolyn, I hope you found this post interesting.