Yet Another Book From a Blogger

I’ve created a time drain. A book. Just what you need, right? Yet another book from a blogger.

All books are time drains. [Photo by icon0.com on Pexels.com]

All books are time drains, and most are not worth any drained time reading. That’s why you and I haven’t bothered to read most of the books of this world. Hell, we’ve got better things to do.

I don’t like to waste people’s time, so my book is small. It’s about a three-hour read if you’re a slow reader like me. But that’s still three hours of your precious time. So I’m not going to ask you to read it at all.

But I am going to offer it. And if you’re feeling bored enough or curious enough, and all the little tasks and chores you have to do in your day are complete, and you’re just sitting around wondering what the heck to do, you’re free to give my book a go.

And you may be pleased to know that my book costs nothing. I wrote this book about four years ago and tried to sell it for 99-cents a pop as an Amazon Kindle publication. I believe I sold one copy. Or maybe I’m exaggerating.

Recently I made a few small revisions, and then decided to offer it for free. I figure if I can’t get rich, at least maybe I can get famous. My book will be available as a free pdf download, right here on this blog.

But books are great intrusions into the time of others, so like I say, I’m not asking you to read it. Nor do I expect you to. Not even if you’re my best blogging buddy. In fact especially not, in that case.

I’m sorry for this apologia, but a book is nothing to be proud of. A book is at worst a fraud and at best a deeper expression of one’s inner being than one feels comfortable exhibiting. Most books are somewhere in between. I’ve tried to brave discomfort and keep this book as pure as possible, but I suspect at least a little fraud may have been smuggled in by my bashful subconscious. And that will be to your detriment and waste of time.

But I hope the pure elements will outweigh the adulterated, to make this read an overall benefit for you, should you decide to invest a piece of your life into perusing it.

The book will be unveiled soon. I wouldn’t be worth anything as an author if I couldn’t create some sense of suspense. So I won’t be telling you anything more about it until the unveiling. Now please, stop your yawning. You’re just going to have to wait a little while.

Give me a couple of days to iron out a few details. And then I’ll make the big announcement. That’s when you can wake up and, if you’re in the mood . . .

read my book.

Unicorn Noodles

Our unicorn today comes from nrhatch, at https://nrhatch.wordpress.com/. Her blog seems to be about self-help and humor. So if you need help (and don’t we all), or you need a good laugh, click on over and check it out.

I’m not sure if this thing she beamed me is really a unicorn. It looks suspiciously like a one-horned goat. It consists of a short, explanatory blurb, followed by a link. Boy you talk about lazy. But that’s just it, I’m not one to talk.

So I’ll go ahead and give it a shot. This time. If it works out okay, then fine. Otherwise I’m gonna have to raise my unicorn-identifying standards.

Go ahead and give it a read (won’t take long), and decide for yourself. Is this a unicorn, or have I lost my noodle?


Scientists have discovered why spaghetti noodles don’t break cleanly in two pieces.

And not just any scientists.
We are talking Nobel Prize Winning Scientists.

These are scientists who really know how to use their noodles!

To read more:  https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2018/08/16/spaghetti-mystery-solved-scientists-cleanly-break-noodles-two/1007914002/

A Unicorn for the Books

Cranky Pants discovered a unicorn in a park the other day, in the form of a unique book. She wants to tell us all about it, though I promise her tale won’t be as long as a book. You can follow Mrs. Pants at: https://crankypants2.wordpress.com/. Here is her unicorn story:


Walking a Book on a Leash

So I was in our local conservation area today getting ready to walk the dog with my Hubby. Or is that walk the Hubby with my dog? I’m not sure. Anyway…

As we were getting out of our truck a gentleman was walking by with his two kids. He had a book on a leash and was walking it as though it was a pet.

My first thought was, “What the?”

Said gentleman stopped to chat with my dog..Ah ahem, I mean my Hubby. He showed my Hubby the book. It was a book with all sorts of fun activities written in it to do with his kids. Walking the book on a leash was one of the activities in the book. I’m assuming the kids came up with some of them.

We joked about how walking a book would be much easier then walking our dog (or my Hubby). They wouldn’t have to clean up after a book, or worry about it barking. The kids thought that was funny.

Later we saw the same family and they were playing hide and seek. Not with the book, but with their kids as the kids gripped that book of love and laughed so hard.

Never in a million years would I have ever thought I’d see a dude walking a book on a leash but…It sure was wonderful, to see a father and later their mother spending so much time, and having so much fun with their kids.

It made my heart happy.

CrankyPants

Baptist Choir Sings for Fourteen Hours Straight During Standoff with Calvinistic Pastor

Today our unicorn is a unique news story from the Nowhere Tribune, at https://nowheretribune.wordpress.com/. If you want a barrel of laughs with every post, click on over and follow this hilarious blog.

Although the Nowhere Tribune claims this is a sickly unicorn, it seems perfectly healthy to me. That’s because it’s very unique, and uniqueness is the only requirement to be a unicorn in good health. But even though it’s healthy, I suspect by the end of the day we unicorn chasers can do a good job of killing and eating it, with our commentary. Thanks for the submission, NT.


If you don’t like this one, I have one that I think is actually good; I’m just being selfish and sending you the sickly unicorn that I don’t care to feed.

Baptist Choir Sings for Fourteen Hours Straight During Standoff with Calvinistic Pastor

ATHENS, TX—According to local sources, the choir at Second Missionary Baptist Church in Athens sang “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus” for fourteen hours straight after the sermon Sunday, resulting in one member being rushed to the emergency room with a ruptured bladder, and another checking into the Athens Psychiatric Ward.

The extended invitation was in direct response to the church’s new Calvinistic pastor, John Owens, and his disdain for gospel music and evangelism.

Owens, a twenty-six-year-old graduate of Reformed Theological Seminary (RTS) in Orlando, dressed in vintage New Balance sneakers, skinny jeans, and a “Charles Spurgeon is my Homeboy” T-shirt, was willing to speak to us from his apartment yesterday.

“Why am I opposed to long invitations? It’s partly theological. I do believe it’s my job to present the gospel, but God’s job to draw sinners to Him. So, the long invitation is an unnecessary tradition that, in a sense, denies the doctrine of election. But also, yesterday I just really needed to pee.”

Eye witnesses say that when Pastor Owens announced that members would be dismissed after a short prayer and without an invitational hymn, veteran song leader Isaac Watts was visibly irritated.

“Brother Isaac spends hours and hours each week preparing the music for Sunday. It’s his ministry to bless others through song,” said a choir member who didn’t wish to be named. “He had a right to be irritated, and he was right to follow the Lord’s leading in having us sing for fourteen hours, although I couldn’t speak at all the next day, nor could I perform my other church duties which require a healthy throat.”

Cynthia Stardust, a mother of three who was visiting with her husband and children, said they finally had to leave after six hours.

“I didn’t want to be rude, but my kids were hungry. Every time the choir started to wind down and the pastor stood to dismiss us, another crying old lady walked forward and fell on the altar to pray, and the choir started over. It got a little awkward.”

“A little awkward my ass,” said her husband John. “I’ll take my chances that hell won’t be as bad as those six hours.”

The power struggle has not been settled as of press time today; we learned just hours ago that several older female members are guarding the church library, armed with Bibles and garden implements, after learning that the pastor planned to replace the Joyce Meyer Bible study material with John Calvin’s Commentaries, and children’s church workers have chained themselves to the giraffe legs of the Noah’s Ark exhibition in the nursery after hearing that children would be attending regular services with the adults this Wednesday.

Sleeping Unicorns

Our unicorn today comes from Cranky Pants, in the form of a unique question. Cranky Pants suffers from autoimmune disease. That’s why she’s so cranky. And she wears pants.

Her blog, at https://crankypants2.wordpress.com/, complains about the unique challenges she and others face with autoimmune disease. And she also rants about her many difficulties trying to get effective medical care, from a screwed up and sometimes skeptical medical system.

Cranky, we hope they find a cure for your malady, one day. We’d like to see you in a better mood.

Mrs. Pants crankily asks us the following unique question:

“Why is it called beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a troll?”

I don’t have that problem. I always take a pretty pill before going to bed. But if you have a unique answer, response, or perhaps allergic reaction to Cranky Pants’ question, we want to hear about it. Please leave your fun, exciting, and unique comment below.

Gibber Bags the First Unicorn

Our very first unicorn comes from Gibber Jabberin. Gibber, you’ve made history, and will forever be remembered as the first blogger to ever catch a unicorn!

Gibber is asking a unique question. Which is: “Why is it that it’s socially acceptable for men to be hairy but not women? What crazy person came up with this rule? How can we change it?”

If you’re a veteran blogger you may remember Gibber Jabberin’s blog, which was called, uh, hmm . . . I just can’t remember the name of it. Anyhow, it was quite a bit like what I’m attempting now, on Chasing Unicorns.

Back in the day, you could submit a question to Gibber Jabberin, and then her followers would chip in with crazy, wack-a-doodle answers. Boy, she had some wild, free-wheeling commentary going on there, in her blogging heyday. It was great fun.

Then she got busy with a candle-making business and quit her blog. So we slapped her a few times, shook her, and said, “Gibber, what the hell! Get back to blogging! We miss you!” She finally relented, and she and I collaborated on a revival of Gibber Jabberin.

That only lasted a few months though, and then I got too busy to deal with it, and Gibber Jabberin closed down again.

So now what I’m trying to do is introduce a version of the Gibber Jabberin concept to Chasing Unicorns. I’m such a copycat, aren’t I? I guess I’m just too lazy to come up with something original. However, in the interest of uniqueness and unicorns, I’ve at least put a unique little twist on the concept.

Instead of limiting the forum to just questions and answers, I’ve expanded it to include much more than that. Now you can submit anything unique, such as a unique observation, unique opinion, unique experience, unique life situation, or anything else. Just as long as it’s unique.

For example, we don’t want to hear that you ate a bowl of cold cereal for breakfast this morning. That’s just too damn mundane and boring. But if you noticed fly larvae in your spoon of Wheaties, while lifting it to your wide-open mouth, then we definitely want to hear about it. That would be frickin’ unique (I hope), and I’m sure we could all have fun commenting about it.

Okay, I hope that’s all clear. Now, let’s get back to Gibber Jabberin’s unicorn. It happens to be a unique question. Why, Gibber, why? Don’t you understand that it doesn’t have to be a question anymore? Oh well, maybe you can’t teach an old blog new tricks.

But alright, there’s our unicorn for the day. A unique question from Gibber Jabberin which, in case you’ve forgotten after this long-winded spiel, is in the 2nd paragraph of this post.

Now it’s your turn to come up with unique answers, observations, or other unique comments related to Gibber’s question. Don’t hold back. We’re itching to hear from you. Or maybe those are fleas.

Please leave your comments below, and let’s have some fun!

Business As Snoozual

In yesterday’s post I hinted that some changes were in the works for Chasing Unicorns. Yessirree there are. Because I’m not a business-as-usual kind of guy. Nosirree.

But I hope I didn’t leave you with the wrong impression about me. I do like change, this is true. Change is wonderful. I love the refreshing novelty of doing something new. But what I don’t like is having to work hard to achieve change. That’s because I’m a business-as-snoozual kind of guy.

This is me, trying to dream up a new post.

I want to rest and relax and let other people achieve change for me. I want to enjoy all the neat, new things people provide. As long as they don’t disturb my nap. That would be anathema. (And you know what anathema means, don’t you Just Joan 42?)

They say the smartest people are the laziest. That’s because they come up with all kinds of ingenious ways to get out of work. So, lazy as I am, I put on my thinking cap the other day and tried real hard to be smart. It hurt. Thinking is not a practice I approach lightly. I don’t allow myself to think this hard except maybe two or three times per year.

But ala kazam and zippedy doo! What do you know? A 14-watt, LED 100-watt equivalent light bulb switched on above my head. I got an idea!

My idea is to let my followers help me out with my blog.

My blog is about chasing unicorns. Unicorn is code for unique. So the purpose of my blog is to chase after uniqueness.

That’s why my posts tend to be eclectic. One day I might post about fabric softener. Some other day I might post about Trump, or a national park I visited, or something historical. I aim for variety. I try to keep my posts unique, just like a unicorn is unique.

And when my lazy, lame brain can’t come up with anything unique, I steal a unique quote from some unsuspecting celebrity.

Uniqueness is all a part of change. The more change we experience, the more uniqueness we experience. This is where you, my followers, come into my brilliant, 14-watt, LED 100-watt equivalent idea. You can provide change to my blog by submitting unique things, that I will post for you.

For instance, if you have a unique question, or a unique idea, or maybe you’re in a unique situation, you can submit it to Chasing Unicorns. Or let’s say you’ve had a unique experience, or you recently learned something unique. Or whatever the heck it is, as long as it’s unique, you can submit it to this blog.

I’ll post it for you. And I’ll even post a link to your blog, to give you some free advertisement. Then the rest of us can look at the “unicorn” you sent me, and make smart-ass wise-ass dumb-ass unique comments about it. In this way, we’ll be creating more unicorns, with our comments.

There will be no rules, except the ones I make up as we go along. And I’d rather not make up any because I’m too lazy to enforce rules. So please try to keep it halfway civilized.

This I think, could be a perfect plan. Just let my wacky, nutty, crazy followers write my blog for me. What could possibly go wrong?

There are two new pages at the top of this blog that explain the whole unicorn submission process in detail. The page entitled, What’s a Unicorn? will hopefully give you a better idea of how I define a unicorn. And the page entitled, Unicorn Teleporting Pod will explain how to transport your unicorn to my blog.

But if you’re as lazy as me, and don’t want to read those pages, I’ll make it real simple, right here. Just send your unicorn to the following email address:

And I’ll take it from there.

Alright, enough of this chit-chat. It’s time for my nap, and it’s time for you to start chasing unicorns. Get on out there and catch some one-horned beasts for me, and teleport them in. Hopefully the fun can begin tomorrow, with a brand new, unique post from a follower.

I’m really looking forward to the changes you add to my blog. But as for now I’m feeling sleepy. So it’s time for me to get right down to some business.

Business as snoozual.

Movin’ On Up

Chasing Unicorns is movin’ on up. I’ve upgraded to WordPress’s Premium Plan.

After eight years of freeriding off WordPress, and four or five or six different blogs—heck I can’t even count them all—I’ve finally stumbled into a blog that I’ve stuck with longer than it takes snow to melt from a hot pile of manure.

For some reason Chasing Unicorns has grown on me, and I think I’m going to keep it around a while. So why not reward this blog, and my loyal followers, by bedizening it with an upgrade?

The Premium Plan costs $96 a year. I’ve felt a little skeptical about what I could get from prying my wallet open that wide, and that’s one thing that was holding me back.

But so far it seems worth the dough. One of my favorite things is the unlimited Premium themes. These themes, that you have to pay for, seem to come with more versatility and better artistic design.

I opted for the Broadsheet theme. It’s priced at $79 for those with the Free or Personal Plan. But it’s nothing extra when you’re a Premium Plan subscriber.

I love the Advanced Design Customization. You can tweak the hell out of your theme, and come up with all kinds of unique designs. In fact, I’ve tweaked my Broadsheet theme so much, you’d swear I was a meth head.

I also got a new domain name. Now my blog can be found under two domains–the one I’ve had all along, and a new one with “wordpress” removed. And so now you can find me at https://unicorniks.com, as well as https://unicorniks.wordpress.com. It ain’t no big deal, just snob value, really. But somehow it seems to add legitimacy to a website. By the way, you can also get this feature with the Personal Plan, which only costs $48 per year.

I get 13GB of storage space also, as opposed to the 4GB that comes with the Free Plan. This helps me relax. I use a lot of photos and have been getting worried about bumping up against my top limit.

Something that puzzles me is that I’m now paying for “Advanced Social Media”. This allows me to schedule my social media posts in advance. Hmm, I’ve been able to do that all along, with the Free Plan. Has WordPress just not noticed, and let me get away with something? Or has WordPress hoped I wouldn’t notice that I’ve had this feature all along, and they think they’re the ones getting away with something?

All in all, I’m very happy with the upgrade. And I hope you will be too.

And now that Chasing Unicorns is upgraded, it’s also going to change directions a little. Sometimes you have to zig, zag, and jink around to catch more unicorns. This change is still in the works, but I think I’ll be introducing it very soon.

Thank you from the calcified chambers of my heart for following me. I hope you’ll enjoy the new flavor of my blog.

Please stay tuned, and always keep up the chase!

Fabric Softener

Many years ago I started doing my own laundry. I got tired of having to ferret through piles of clothes in the garage to find my shirts, jeans, socks, and unmentionables. That was my wife’s system. Clean the clothes, then leave them in a giant pile.

My wife would be happy to do my laundry. She’s very domestic, and not one of those women’s libbers who think that men should do housework, too.

No, but I’m one of those women’s libbers. I liberate her from the cleaning jobs she doesn’t do well at. Which is just about everything.

But as for laundry, she does hers and I do mine. Hers ends up in a mountainous pile. Mine ends up neatly folded and put away.

I try to make the job as easy as possible. So I don’t use extra stuff, like fabric softener. At least not intentionally. However I have used it unintentionally on plenty of occasions. That’s because it looks so much like a bottle of liquid detergent.

Try to guess, which is the detergent, and which is the fabric softener?

Why the hell do women have to have fabric softener? If they want soft fabric, why don’t they just feel the fabric before they buy their clothes? And if fabric softener really worked, clothing could be made of gunny sacks, and be a whole lot cheaper.

I feel the same about anti-cling dryer sheets. I’ve tried them a few times, and yes they do save me from having to unpeel every article of clothing from each other. But half the fun of folding clothes is hearing the frizzle of static electricity, as I exercise my origami skills.

So I don’t use them. Unlike my wife. What’s crazy is that after several rounds in the dryer, these sheets always end up on our garage floor, looking like lifeless lambs, killed by continuous lightning strikes. I find myself picking up these crumpled creatures and tossing them in the trash, because no one else deigns to bend their back.

Why do people use extra little products to get a simple job done? All they do is create confusion and add to their work. I’m a true believer in the KISS method of doing laundry. Keep It Sudsy Stupid. And that’s all you have to do.

And what’s with all the different cycle choices? I always use the Normal Wash cycle. It has never damaged my wool socks or flannel shirts. I refuse to buy any clothing that won’t hold up under a Normal Wash cycle.

My wife does most of the shopping, and she always buys the cheap detergent. That’s the liquid detergent of some brand nobody ever heard of before, and never will again. We’ve had brands with names like Old Nellie’s Froth, Red Tide, and Lye By Night.

There are never any instructions on the bottles concerning the proper amount of detergent to use, for the size of the load. So I usually err on the side of caution and measure out way more than is probably needed. And there goes all the savings from buying the cheap stuff.

But we do save money on detergent in other ways. It all works out in the end. Because I get absent-minded a lot when I do the laundry. And then I end up walking around in smelly but very cuddly clothes.

All because I accidentally grabbed the bottle of fabric softener.

Why Amerika Is Great Again

Amerika’s symbol, looking for newly created greatness.

Mid-term elections are less than three months away, and President Trump is out on the campaign trail. With his wavy combover flapping like an Amerikan flag in the breeze, he’s reminding us how he’s made Amerika great again.

And it’s undeniable. Amerika has once again emerged as a great world power. Here are a few reasons why:

Amerika is great again because our worries about war with Russia are over, now that they’re our bestest friends. It’s true that our newest worries are war with Canada, Mexico, England, Germany, France, China, Iran, and a whole bunch of other countries. But between us and Russia, we have enough nuclear missiles to blow them and the whole world up many, many times over. And that’s a great comfort.

Amerika is great again because we’ve identified our biggest enemy. Mexicans. We recently started separating Mexican children from their parents. Or are they Hondurans and El Salvadorans? Wait, what’s the difference? This separation has led to alarm and anxiety amongst the Mexican/Honduran/El Salvadoran people. Hell, let’s just call them the Mexihonadorans. Next we will sell their children back to them and use the proceeds to build a Great Wall.

Amerika is great again because we are eliminating our trade deficit with the world. What with tariffs and retaliatory tariffs, our trade deficit with other nations is on the decline. In fact, all trading with other nations is on the decline. When trading eventually reaches zero, this should encourage us to become a great, self-sufficient country.

Amerika is great again because we no longer have to worry about global warming. We’ve learned to distrust the fake scientists and fake news media that have propagated myths like global warming. So now we feel safe getting rid of emission standards and turning our air into the great smell of money. A great amount of money. For great, hard working folks, like those who work for Trump.

Amerika is great again because we’ve discovered that the only real news comes from Facebook memes. And we don’t even have to create them. Our caring comrades in Russia have volunteered to produce all the memes we need to keep abreast of real news events. This information will help Amerikan citizens in many ways, but especially when deciding how to vote.

Trump has truly made Amerika great again, and we should feel appreciative. So come November, head on down to the polls and send President Trump’s party your own personal message of gratitude. But it really won’t be necessary for you to make such effort. These days you can just stay at home and let someone in Saint Petersburg do your voting for you.

And isn’t that great?

For a related post about Russian meddling, check out this from nrhatch:
https://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2018/08/11/health-alert-from-fox-news/