LIGO

A Black-Hole

A Black Hole

I’m trying to wrap my head around the latest astronomical discovery. On September 14th of last year, the scientific world was gobsmacked when astronomers at the LIGO observatory detected the gravitational waves of two colliding black holes.

They converted these gravitational waves into audio waves, and it sounded something like a drop of water from a dripping faucet.

By the way, LIGO is not to be confused with LEGO. LIGO is the Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory. LEGO is what you step on when trying to take a leak in the middle of the night. LIGO is the only such observatory of its kind. Except that it’s actually two observatories that work in conjunction with each other; one in Washington state and the other in Louisiana. It’s been operating since 2002, while detecting absolutely nothing worth anything. But that all changed last September, when it picked up the drop heard ’round the universe.

Somehow, this drip-dropping noise proved one of Albert Einstein’s theories related to relativity. This is the theory that my relatives are the ones who forget to tighten faucet handles. However, they say that the “sound” produced by this black-hole collision released three times more energy than all the galaxies in our universe combined. This to me is further proof of relativity, because some of my bumptious relatives can actually shout that loud.

The black holes collided 1.3 billion years ago, at a distance of 7,625,404,800,000,000,000,000 miles from Earth. They were both about 30 times the size of our sun, and were spinning around each other at several thousand revolutions per minute. That’s a pretty reckless speed for two objects of such Pantagruelian proportions, so naturally these lumbering titans had to collide sooner or later. Good thing we Earthlings kept a safe distance.

Now the question I have is, what happens when two black holes swallow each other? Shouldn’t it create some sort of anti-black hole, and force them to regurgitate up everything they’ve been consuming for billions of years? Back in my math school days, I learned between naps that a negative number multiplied by a negative number always equals a positive number.

So I have a positive attitude about this black-hole collision. I think they’re going to spit up all the stuff they’ve been stealing from the universe, and we’re going to recover lost property. Who knows what sort of wonderful marvels may emerge from the site of this cosmic accident? We should send a space exploratory mission to the site of the crash. Hey, what’s a few extra trillion dollars added to our national debt?

As you can tell, I’m no Albert Einstein. My thinking about this is about as far-off in outer space as the black-hole collision itself. But after 13 years of listening to nothing, then becoming elated when they heard the sound of a dripping faucet, I draw this conclusion about the astronomers who made this discovery:

Scientists are easily entertained.

My Apology Here

With great embarrassment and contrition, I’m writing this post to apologize for yesterday’s post. Yesterday I posted a sign in the widget sidebar that said, “Your Ass Here.” I intended that sign to read “Your Ad Here,” and have now corrected the spelling. I can explain this mistake, and I hope you’ll be kind enough to hear me out.

It is not my policy to post profanity on my blog. At least, not in such a conspicuous manner. This is a family blog, and children read my posts.

By the way, the following message is for any child who saw yesterday’s post:

Ass=Donkey

Ass = Donkey

Kids, the sign you saw on Uncle Tippy’s blog that read, “You’re Ass Here” was about donkeys. Just like the donkey named Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh. Did you know that “ass” is another word for donkey? So that’s what my sign was about. I wanted to see pictures of donkeys on my blog.

Now stop reading. The rest of this post is for adults only.

Alright, let me continue. I’m sorry for misspelling the word “Ad” yesterday. It’s nobody’s fault but my own. I’ve been having a bit of trouble in the nether regions lately. Seems I’ve developed an allergy to Preparation H, and my hindquarters have been foremost on my mind these days. The best way I can put my finger on it is, I felt an itch at the exact moment I created the sign, and the wrong word must have slipped into my spelling.

I’m a real asshole for allowing that to happen. And I’m definitely a shitbird for not proofreading my post. I mean, fuck me to tears, this is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done.

I hope you’ll forgive me, and I promise never to let it happen again.

Your Ad Here

Your Ad Here

I have a new widget in my sidebar that I hope will not bother you. It’s a message that says, “Your Ad Here.”

Some people find messages like this disturbing. They want bloggers to be above this sort of thing. We’re supposed to put everything we have into our work, and not get anything in return. So let me make this clear. This blog is no charity, and I’m no saint. I want a piece of the action, baby!

If you share my ambition to be rich and famous, consider the opportunity presented by my sidebar message. Imagine all the exposure you’ll receive, from what you put onto that space. And think of the revenue you can generate. I guarantee you’ll be excited when you see your bottom line, and people keep entering your business.

Now if you’re a purist blog reader who doesn’t like this sort of thing, what goes in that space over there may really stink. But I encourage you to examine it carefully, and respond in a positive manner if you honestly like what you see. Who knows, you may enjoy it so much you’ll want to buy what’s being offered.

Don’t sit on this opportunity. With my blog, you’re poised to crack the market wide open. Get the exposure you’ve been dreaming about, and let the world discover everything about you.

Note: Unfortunately, I misspelled the word “ad”. Click here for my apology.

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