Chasing Unicorns

My wife, Kay , has a question about a recurring problem, and she’s hoping my followers have answers. That’s because I’m too stupid to answer this question for her.

Kay drives a Toyota Corolla. This is a compact car. But it has four doors, with two bucket seats in the front and a bench seat in the back. So up to about five people can kind of comfortably fit inside.

According to her Toyota Owner’s Manual, in the section on Specifications, her poor little ol’ Corolla has a vehicle capacity weight of only 865 lbs, which would be the combined weight of all occupants, plus luggage.

My wife uses the trunk of her car for storage, and I’d say there’s at least 50 pounds in there that she lugs around on a regular basis. So that’s the “luggage.” Kay, herself, weighs about 200 lbs.

Now for the kicker. Kay isn’t the only fat person she knows. Our niece, who lives in town, weighs 400 pounds. Our niece’s husband weighs about 240 lbs. Other members of her family, such as cousins, tend to be heavy also. I doubt any of them tip the scales at less than 200 lbs.

And she has many friends at her diet club who easily weigh-in weekly at a good 200 to 250 lbs each, and often more.

When there are family events, they often want her to drive, and try to squeeze into her poor little Toyota like a bunch of clowns. And at the end of every diet club meeting, her friends all want to go out to eat, and want her to give them a ride. Especially during pre-Covid days, but even now, since outdoor dining has been allowed.

Kay is good at math, and she adds passenger weight in her head. When the total, plus the weight of her and the junk in her trunk exceeds the safety limit of 865 lbs, she worries about her ability to control her car. She also fears that the wheels might fall off, or that the axles might snap, or that she might bottom out while going over a speed bump.

She wants to put a limit on how many fatsos are allowed to jam themselves into her prized Corolla, but she’s afraid to hurt anybody’s feelings. So her question is as follows:

How do you diplomatically tell a fatso that they can’t ride in your car, due to their extreme weight?

Cranky Pants and JoyRoses13 have submitted a question, with a photo of two doors. Imagine you’re in a bar or restaurant, and have to use the restroom. You’ve asked where the restroom is, and have been pointed to these doors. You have to go really badly, and must make a split-second decision, based upon your gut instinct. Which door would you choose?

Cranky Pants and JoyRoses13 are up to no good. They’ve posed a question they want me to post. This question really insults men, and I’m acting like a traitor to my gender for posting it. But what the hell, it’s the first question that’s been submitted in a long time, so why not? I’m desperate. But I’m counting on the men who read this to give us some smartass responses that will show the women a thing or two. Here’s the question:

My wife has a question, and wants to benefit from the erudite wisdom and judgment of my followers. She doesn’t give a damn about my advice, but she does regard my followers as worthy of offering valuable counsel.

She has a friend who likes to visit us at our house. This friend typically visits for three to four hours before finally deciding it’s time to go home. By this time, my wife is sick and tired of her.

But not me. That’s because when her friend visits, I just retreat into my bedroom, put my noise-canceling headsets on, and read, blog, and do other solitary things in quiet serenity.

My wife envies my quiet serenity, and wants shorter visits so she can have some serenity also. But she wants to know how short is too short, and how long is too long. In short, how long is the ideal visit? Is there some sort of etiquette rule to this?

At what point is it best to give her friend the boot out the door? She needs answers, and any thoughts or suggestions would be welcome. Thanks!