Category Archives: politics

Stolen Quote: Shithole Countries

Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here? ~ Donald Trump


This question was asked by our president very close to the Martin Luther King, Jr holiday. So I thought I’d just go ahead and steal the quote from Big Orange, and answer it for him on this day.

First of all, unlike so many of our president’s critics, I agree that there really are some shithole countries out there. I’m with you on that point, Mr. Prez.

I know I sure as hell wouldn’t want to live in a country like Haiti. Nor would I want to live in just about any country in Africa. From what I hear on the news, these countries are rife with all kinds of problems, such as poverty and corruption. And then there are the civil wars, religious fighting, dictatorships, and on and on.

No, I agree, there really are some shithole countries beyond our borders.

But the question you asked, Mr. President, is why are we allowing people from those countries come here?

The way I see it, most of our ancestors came from shithole countries. I’m part Irish and British, and a bunch of other European blood. When the Irish immigrated here they were escaping famine, poverty, British oppression, and so on. What a shithole country Ireland was back then.

For that matter, when the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock, they too were escaping a shithole country. What shits the British were, for all the religious persecution that drove those pilgrims onto the Mayflower.

And every other European country has been a shithole country at one time or another.

America has traditionally been a place of escape from shithole countries. That’s why we allow the poor huddled masses, yearning to breathe free, to reach our shores and inhale deeply.

If this has been harmful to us, then we would be one of the worst countries in the world to live in. But in spite of our problems, and we do have a few, I say we are one of the best, if not THE best nation on earth. In fact I would go so far as to say that immigration is one of the main reasons we have such a great country.

The escapees who travel so far to reach our shores tend to be the brightest and best. Consider their motivation. Consider that they come here to better themselves. Consider that they want to live free and prosperous. These are the very kind of motivated folks we want. They are like our ancestors, who built this great nation. They are willing to work hard to make a better life for themselves, and their community.

We skim the cream of the crop from the shithole nations. We win, they lose. Maybe after they lose enough of their best and brightest they’ll learn to treat their citizens better, and stop being such shitholes.

So there’s the best answer I can give to our President (other than the way I cast my vote in 2020).

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr day to you! And whether you are an immigrant or not, may all your dreams come true.

When He Came Back

saturndevouringhisson_by_peterpaulrubens_1636

I was ten years old when my mother divorced him. I didn’t know at the time that he had molested my sisters. Neither did she. Nobody knew but them, and they kept their dark little secret to themselves until they became adults. I just knew about the abuse we all knew about. His verbal abuse against my mother and all of us children.

I also knew that he could be fun to be around at times, but then in the middle of the fun he would turn on us. He’d lash out and belittle us and threaten physical violence. He’d lure us into relaxing and showing our vulnerabilities, and then he’d move in for the attack.

He rarely actually resorted to physical violence, but his verbal assaults and threats were terrifying, just the same.

So when my mother divorced him, I felt relieved. Very, very relieved. My spirit lightened. The world looked bright and new. I learned how to relax and be vulnerable and how to play, without fearing the mercurial temperment of a sadistic stepfather.

My new stepfather was a drunk. A likable drunk, but a terrible, falling-down drunk just the same. Two years after the wonderful divorce, my mother made a stunning announcement. She was leaving the drunk and going back to my previous stepfather.

I was now twelve. I pondered what it would be like to have that asshole as my stepdad again. And part of me was excited about the prospect. Maybe he would be different this time. Maybe he had changed. Maybe this time he’d only show us his fun side, and never the sadistic side. I actually looked forward to having him back in my life again.

I was young, naive, and possessed of youthful optimism. It’s the kind of optimism you develop after you’ve gone for awhile letting your guard down, without any harm coming to you.

But I was wrong. He was just as abusive as before. Maybe worse. My carefree childhood was over at the age of twelve. I had to put up the old guard and once again try to hide my vulnerabilities.

I went a little crazy in the ensuing years. But I also learned how to resist and and stand up to this bastard. My failure was letting myself go crazy. That took a long time to overcome. But my success was learning how to stand up for myself. It’s a lesson that has served me well ever since.

I draw from my childhood experience an important lesson for those who are happy, and for those who are horrified, about the recent presidential election.

When he came back, I hoped my stepfather would be a different, better person. He wasn’t. You see, he was a sexual predator. Just like the president-elect. Sexual predators have committed themselves deeply to taking advantage of the vulnerable. If they don’t sexually abuse them, then they abuse them in other ways. Because it’s not about sex, it’s about power and control. And they haven’t learned any other way to obtain power and control, than through abuse.

Based on my personal experience with the sexual predator who was my stepfather, I doubt our new president will change after he assumes office. I believe the next four to eight years will be difficult for vulnerable people who place trust in him. He will not save you. You must save yourself. The occasional good times you experience under his leadership will quickly be overshadowed by problems he will create for you. Be alert, and avoid complacency.

And for those who distrust him, keep in mind that the opposition party will not completely protect you from him. Just as my siblings did not completely protect me from my stepfather. We colluded, and tried our best to be strong together. But we only had limited success.

You must protect yourself. Do your very best to learn how to resist oppression and stand up for yourself. And be as self-sufficient as possible. Try as much as you can to avoid relying on political leaders. Your best hope lies within you, yourself.

And most importantly, don’t let yourself go crazy over this. Calm, objective reason and sanity is what you need most during a time of crisis. When you lose that, it can take a long time to recover it.

Take charge of your life and be your own salvation. That will give you your best chance of succeeding during the next presidency. And for the rest of your life afterward.

Dearest Donald

I like Hillary Clinton, but she has one big weakness. She’s technologically challenged. Which makes her emails super-easy to hack.

I decided to get in on the action. I mean damn, why should all those other hackers have all the fun? So I, too, decided to hack Hillary’s emails.

It was a cinch to guess her password: “Feeling_Berned”. But most of what I found in her server was disappointing. It was just a bunch of banausic, everyday stuff. For example, there was a message to Bill, reminding him to do the laundry. And there was a small missive to her son-in-law, Marc, asking for the definition of the word shemozzle.

And then I stumbled upon a bombshell. A real smoking gun. An email that could blow the lid right off the Clinton campaign.

I really want Hillary to win. But I’m going to shamelessly share this email with you, and the rest of the world, anyway. That’s because I want the credit for this scoop before some other hacker takes credit. I’m trying to become rich and famous, you know. I just hope Donald Trump will keep his mouth shut for at least one friggin’ day, so that this real Hillary scandal can get enough oxygen to survive and grow.

Otherwise this email, like all the others, will be completely ignored, and lost like a needle in a Trump-hair-shaped haystack.

So here goes. This is the bombshell email from Hillary that I hacked, that I desperately hope will make me famous:

HillaryEmail

Dearest Donald:

I want to thank you once again for being such a good friend. Remember that conversation we had eleven years ago, when I attended your wedding? Hell, I thought you were joking. Especially since you were a Democrat at the time. But it turns out you are a stand-up man who really keeps your word.

When you joined the Republican Party (for the third time) in 2012, I still didn’t think you’d actually go through with it. Until June of last year, when you rode down an escalator, insulted Mexicans, and announced you were running for the job I want.

Donald, you are a genius! Who would have thought that a billionairre could win over all those Republican voters by acting like a redneck hillbilly? You did what you promised me, so many years ago. You won the GOP nomination!

And now you are doing such a tremendous job at throwing the election my way. Just as you promised. For every gaffe I make, and every scandal I find myself in, you match me ten times over. You seem really determined to make sure I’ll get elected.

One suggestion: It’s my goal to win all 50 states. But I’m still lagging badly in Texas. Now you know how Texans are so proud. And you know how much it hurts to have a bruised ego. If you could piss off the Texans by, say, commenting on their actual penis size, maybe their damaged egos will enrage them enough to vote for me.

But with all your scripted and unscripted lapsus linguae, please don’t let this secret arrangement of ours slip out. Remember, this email is highly confidential. Bill and I have dealt with enough shit, like Whitewater, Troopergate, Travelgate, Vince Foster, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Juanita Brodderick, impeachment, Benghazi, speaking fees, The Clinton Foundation, and private server whatchamacallits. We don’t need to add “Trumpgate” to the list.

Anyway, keep up the good work. And if you ever need anything–anything at all–please let me know. Just wait until after January 20th. Remember, I’ll always be indebted.

Yours Truly,
Hillary

Bernie’s Chances

Is it possible for Elephants to do something sensible? I guess eventually, when they remember to. Over this past week, two Republicans came to their senses and did the sensible thing. They dropped out. So long, Ted Cruz and John Kasich! See ya in three years.

This leaves just one contender fighting an uphill battle for a nomination, and that is Bernie Sanders on the Donkey side. Is this man insane, or does he have a reasonable chance to beat Hillary Clinton for the nomination? He thinks so, and says he’s aiming for a contested convention, where he will win over unpledged delegates (super delegates), and become the Democratic Party’s standard bearer.

Let’s crunch the numbers, to see if Bernie is in his right mind.

There will be 4,765 total delegates at the Democratic National Convention this July. Of these, 4,051 will be pledged delegates. This means they will be bound by rules to vote for whomever they were assigned to vote for, after their state primary or caucus. At least in the first round of voting.

2,383 delegates are needed for nomination. After Bernie’s victory in Indiana on May 3rd, he had 1,414 pledged delegates, and 41 unpledged delegates. Hillary had 1,704 pledged delegates, and 498 unpledged delegates. It seems a lot more unpledged delegates support Hillary than Bernie. But Bernie vows to change that.

Bernie currently needs 928 more delegates to secure the nomination. There are 1,108 delegates remaining, so that means he needs 84% of these remaining delegates to beat Hillary. If he wants to beat Hillary with pledged delegates only, then he needs 969 more pledged delegates. However, there are only 933 pledged delegates remaining. Therefore it’s impossible for Bernie to win the nomination in this manner. This explains why he says he’s going to make a play for the super delegates at the convention.

It seems to me that if Bernie is going to have any chance of winning over the super delegates at the convention, he has to enter the convention with more pledged delegates than Hillary. This seems possible. Hillary currently has 1,704 pledged delegates, which is only 290 more than Bernie. In fact, Hillary would have to win 73% of the remaining pledged delegates before she can secure the nomination with no help from super delegates. It’s highly unlikely she will do this.

Super delegates can change their minds at any time. So the super delegates Hillary currently has can jump ship for Bernie if they decide that is more politically expedient. And they probably would if Bernie entered the convention with more pledged delegates than Hillary. Bernie could then make the case that the majority of Democrats favored him, and not his opponent. Super delegates would have a hard time justifying their votes for Hillary.

If Bernie is to overtake Hillary in pledged delegates before the convention, he will need to win 66% of the remaining available pledged delegates. That is a very steep hill to climb. Not impossible, and if Bernie is the little engine that could, who knows, perhaps he’ll make it. But first he has to win over California. California has 475 delegates to divvy up. It’s the big enchilada. And recent polling shows Hillary with a double-digit lead over Bernie in the Golden State.

Bernie’s challenge is to not only close that double-digit lead over Hillary by June 7th (California’s Primary day), but to also take a strong lead. I mean a VERY strong lead. To the tune of about 66% to 33%.

California may have to fall into the ocean, for Bernie to win.

California may have to fall into the ocean, for Bernie to win.

Under what scenario could this happen? Here’s a few that come to my mind: Hillary gets indicted for reckless e-mailing. Hillary divorces Bill and becomes engaged to Donald Trump (after he, of course, divorces Melania). Hillary announces that she still supports Barry Goldwater. Hillary’s birth certificate reveals she was born in Kenya. Hillary proclaims that California is full of a bunch of commie hippies, and expresses a desire for it to fall into the ocean after the next earthquake. Or, California actually does fall into the ocean, while Bernie wins big in all the other states.

In other words, this is mostly Hillary’s football to fumble. Can Bernie still beat her? Sure he can. Will he? Don’t sell your bank stocks short on it.

My bet is on Hillary.

Holiday of Insults

The leader of the country of Turkey, President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, is getting his panties all up in a wad over people insulting him. I guess there’s a law in Turkey that forbids insulting its president. It seems this law was not strictly enforced until President Erdogan came along; but since his tenure in office, he has charged nearly two thousand Turkish citizens for perceived insults against him.

But he hasn’t stopped with his own citizens. Now this redoubtable president is going after the people of western Europe, who apparently are also picking on him. German comedian Jan Bohmermann recited a satirical poem about this very sensitive Turkish leader, on German TV. This poem suggested that he abuses women, watches child pornography, and even engages in bestiality. Oh my!

The inflamed president of Turkey whined to the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, begging her to do something. And she has taken his side and approved the prosecution of Bohmermann.

Apparently, Germany and many other western European countries have antiquated laws on their books which prohibit insulting foreign heads of state. If convicted, Bohmermann could actually serve jail time for his funny little poem.

This seems to have encouraged the Turkish boor, who has now shifted his attention to the Netherlands. He’s now making an uproar over some Dutch cartoons which seem to insult him. And he’s sent an email to Turkish organizations in the Netherlands, asking Turks living there to immediately report to him any insults the Dutch people make against him.

This is not going over well in Europe. Both the Germans and the Dutch are outraged. But can you imagine how this would be perceived if President Erdogan turned his attention to America? This is the land of the First Amendment, baby! And we treasure our First Amendment rights almost as fanatically as our Second Amendment rights.

In the U.S.A., politicians must develop a very thick skin. Any pol who complains about being insulted runs the risk of being laughed down and branded a cry-baby. We Americans have the Constitutional right to insult any leader we want, whether foreign or domestic. And we do.

And the most beautiful thing about our country is that we can insult any political leader without fearing the heavy heel of authority coming down to crush our necks.

We've been insulting our leaders for many years. This cartoon portrays Abe Lincoln as a monkey.

We’ve been insulting our leaders for many years. This cartoon portrays Abe Lincoln as a monkey.

I don’t like to insult people. But I do like having the right to do so, without fear of jail time. Wouldn’t it be nice if citizens of other countries had the same right? So I propose a special national holiday dedicated to telling jokes about world leaders. This will send a message to the world that its possible to have a thriving country, where people can stand up to bullies in positions of authority without fear of reprisal.

And with that in mind, here are some insults I’ve reserved for President Erdogan:

Mr. President, I understand you like to lick the balls of a dog. But when you tire of that, you lick its asshole. You also eat dogshit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I won’t insult your wife, President Erdogan. She’s taken enough beatings from you. Besides, she can’t help that she was born your sister. Your mother is to blame for that. Well, at least she gets half the blame. You must shoulder the other half.

So, President Erdogan, you like to wank off to child pornography, eh? Or do you fuck your dog while watching it? Are you into threesomes? Like, I mean, you with a dog and a pig?

I was stationed in Turkey for over a year, while in the military. This gave me occasion to learn a few of their insults in their native tongue. So if you’ll pardon my phonetic spelling, here are some more insults for President Erdogan, in the language he understands:

Babasan suckola suchdem. (I shit on your father’s beard.)
Sikdirge, eshekolu eshek! (Fuck you, you jackass and son of a jackass!)
Gobble-gobble-gobble! (Now I’m really talking Turkey.)

I feel so much better, getting that out of my system. It’s a sort of lighter-than-air sensation of liberation and power.

It’s nice to be an American.

Drink Your Water and Eat Your Brockovich

Who would dare drink this?

Who would dare drink this?

Erin Brockovich crusaded for safe water, and now she’s being shoved down our throats. In 1993 she sued Pacific Gas & Electric for polluting the water in the town of Hinkley, California, with Chromium 6. There’s a good movie about her exploits, starring Julia Roberts. Let’s see, what the heck was the name of that movie? Oh yes, Erin Brockovich. Julia Roberts played Erin, and won an Oscar for Best Actress.

The lawsuit and the movie brought awareness to the danger of Chromium 6. Chromium 6 has been shown to cause cancer in lab rats when they consume it in astronomical quantities.

Oh God, here’s some technical shit coming your way. I’ll try to keep it simple: The town of Hinkley had over 500 parts per billion (ppb) of Chromium 6 in their tap water. The federal standard is no more than 100 ppb. This is also the standard for most states.

But after Erin Brockovich, the state of California reduced the allowable amount to 50 ppb. And then about two years ago we reduced it again, all the way down to 10 ppb. We’ve gotten very paranoid about Chromium 6, thanks to good ol’ Erin.

Our neighboring town couldn’t quite meet the new standard. Just a bit too much chrome in their well water. So now they have to spend over a million dollars to tap into a pipeline that imports water from northern California. Apparently, northern California has much less chrome in its water than the south.

The Westside Elementary school in Thermal, California has relied upon it’s own well water for many years. But recent tests indicate their Chromium 6 level has risen from 10 ppb to 13 ppb. The alarm has been sounded. They must scramble to protect the school children from this health menace, so they are now going to spend a million dollars to tie into the local water district’s water supply.

Meanwhile, the kids aren’t allowed to drink that tainted, 13 ppb well water. Instead, they are being given bottled water. But the FDA standard for bottled water is 50 ppb for Chromium 6. It appears these children will be exposed to potentially higher levels of Chromium 6, in order to “protect” them from the lower levels, which are higher than is allowed from well water.

That’s just crazy bureaucracy for you. But I want to thank Erin Brockovich for making California one of the most anomalous tourist destinations in the world. When you come out here on vacation, be warned. Don’t drink the bottled water. The tap is your safest bet. Unless you attend Westside Elementary school.

Brownshirts

A petition has been signed by more than 33,000 people, demanding that guns be allowed into the Republican National Convention this summer in Ohio. Donald Trump is considering whether or not to support it.

Perhaps it’s time to remember a lesson from Adolf Hitler.

Hitler and Hermann Goring at a Nazi rally in 1928. That's a Brownshirt on the right.

Hitler and Hermann Goring at a Nazi rally in 1928. That’s a Brownshirt on the right.

Hitler could attribute much of his rise in power to a paramilitary organization called the Nazi SA. SA members were often called Brownshirts. The Brownshirts initially provided protection at Nazi rallies. They were kind of like security guards, only much meaner. They wouldn’t just 86 you. They would kill you.

Shortly after Hitler became Chancellor of Germany in 1933, he called the German Reichstag into a special session to consider passing the Enabling Act. The Enabling Act would give Hitler dictatorial powers. Hitler made sure his gun-toting Brownshirts were present at this session, to threaten and intimidate members of the Reichstag. It worked. The Enabling Act passed overwhelmingly.

Today, there’s a campaign underway by GOP leaders to stop Donald Trump at the convention. If they can keep him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination on the first ballot, then they can propose an alternative candidate for nomination on the second and subsequent ballots. Donald Trump has implicitly threatened riots if this should occur.

Suppose that convention hall was filled with gun-toting Trump supporters? Who would try to stop Trump then? And if Trump won the nomination under that kind of circumstance, perhaps he’d feel obligated to all those gun-toters. Who knows, maybe he’d be in favor of organizing them into some sort of security force.

When I consider the lengths some second amendment supporters are willing to go, I feel a frisson of fear. I love living in a free and democratic country. I want them to back down on this issue.

If the first amendment has the limitation of not allowing us to yell “FIRE!” in a crowded theater, then why can’t the second amendment have the limitation of not allowing us to bring firearms to a crowded political venue?

People often speak forcefully and without compromise in support of the second amendment. When they do, I sometimes wonder just who or what they might be enabling.

« Older Entries Recent Entries »