Category Archives: Politics

Trump Burns Flag on Fifth Avenue


New York City, New York (FakeNoozNetwork) — Donald Trump is famously quoted as bragging, “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, ok? It’s like incredible.”

He’s been widely criticized for this brag, and yet it seems like it could be true. For all his shenanigans, double-dealing and diablerie, his job approval rating has remained remarkably stable throughout his presidency, at 40% to 44%.

In fact even now, in the middle of the Ukraine scandal, where he faces near-certain impeachment, polling data from Real Clear Politics has his approval at a hair under 43% (as of 10/15/19).

He may have sold America out for political dirt, but that’s different from murder. Murder is a whole different ballgame. He hasn’t shot anyone yet, so his brag hasn’t truly been tested.

Recently, Trump was taunted by his personal attorney. Not Giuliani. Bill Barr. Barr and Trump were enjoying a friendly beer and Diet Coke, when Barr brought up the fact that Trump hasn’t shot anyone yet. And he inferred that maybe he was too chicken. Barr teasingly goaded Trump, claiming that the president really did worry how voters would react if he were to actually shoot someone on Fifth Avenue.

Trump responded that he was too nice of a guy to shoot anyone. In fact, there was never anyone nicer than himself. He also pointed out that the bone spurs in his feet might make it difficult for him to aim accurately.

But because Trump is a master at the art of the deal, he had to make a counteroffer. So he told his attorney that instead of shooting someone, he would do something else outrageous. He would burn the American flag on that popular and busy street. And he predicted that it would not cost him any voters.

Last night the president followed through. He held a campaign rally on Fifth Avenue, in New York City. And in the middle of the festivities, he waved an American flag in the air. Then, before a clapping, whistling, cheering, audience, he struck a match and set fire to Old Glory.

The crowd removed their red MAGA caps, out of respect for the flag, and chanted, “Make America Great Again!” as the Stars and Stripes disintegrated to ashes before their eyes.

It’s too early to know the effect this flag-burning will have on Trump’s job approval rating, but we can gain some idea from street interviews of Trump supporters, who were asked to comment on this event.

Gertrude Polk, from Kikmesine, Oklahoma, explained, “Trump was purifying the flag with fire, but I suppose the liberal, elite media will spin this to try to make him look unpatriotic.”

Hemo Quismery, from Shideater, Michigan, proclaimed, “He had his reasons. He’s the president, and possesses unmatched wisdom. Nobody sees the big picture better than him, so nobody should question him. I support whatever he does.”

And Philo Floothfield, from Nozepixer, Mississippi, defended Trump. “Dis heah is fake, fuggin’ nooz. But even if he done diddit, ah support him all da way. Trump’s dun mo’ fo’ ‘Merica dan eeny of ewe commies, an’ ewe ought ta be ‘shamed a yurselves fur evah doutin’ him. Amen.”

Critics have expressed concern that many Americans will follow Trump’s example and start burning American flags, themselves. And they worry that soon we won’t have any American flags left.

But that’s okay. Russia has been anticipating this exigency, and has filled a giant warehouse with its own flags, that it has offered to donate to us.

Latest word is that Trump is considering accepting this donation.

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Send Her Back

I hate politics, so I’ll try to keep this short.

“Send Her Back” is racist, fascist, and fucking frightening, in my opinion. Yet at a Trump rally yesterday in North Carolina, throngs of white Trump supporters chanted this, while Trump stood silently for 13 seconds, allowing this chant to build to crescendo. Trump is lying when he says he discouraged this, and “spoke quickly” when it began. He stood silently for 13 seconds. It’s all in the video.

I once thought white supremacists comprised just a tiny fraction of nuts in the American population. How wrong I was. Apparently there’s a lot of ‘em out there. And with Trump’s recent overt and blatant racist statements, I cannot help but suspect that anyone who continues to support Trump is a fucking white supremacist racist.

And right now, that’s at least 35% of our population.

I don’t like it. This is scary shit.

Could this become our new flag?

What will be next? A revival of the KKK? A legitimizing of the Neo-Nazi party?

Where the hell is all this leading to?

Let’s hope it leads to the Republican Party rejecting and abandoning Trump. And let’s hope it leads to Trump’s removal from office just as soon as possible. And let’s hope our country will quickly heal from these most recent wounds in our race relationships.

Hope. That seems to be all we have left, anymore.

Nazi Hunter Seeks Stone Certificate

I was surfing the computernet, when I ran across this curious news story:

Berlin (IP) – Nazi hunter Dreck Yeger, famed for bringing war criminals Dummkopf Scheisse and Hasslich Hintern to justice, has set his eyes on a new target. In a press briefing in front of the Holocaust Memorial on Sunday’s Holocaust Remembrance Day, Yeger announced he is seeking the birth certificate of embattled adviser to Trump, Roger Stone.

Yeger unveiled a shocking theory to a stunned crowd of reporters and admirers that hypothesizes Roger Stone might actually be the offspring of Nazi Germany propaganda minister, Joseph Goebbels.

The intrepid Nazi hunter believes Goebbels did not die from suicide, as we have read in history books, but actually fled Nazi Germany during the last days of the war, and found refuge in Argentina.

According to Yeger, Goebbels and his wife murdered their children with cyanide, in Hitler’s bunker. Of course we all know this. But then, states Yeger, instead of committing suicide with his wife, as history tells us, he shot her, and then shot a man who looked like him. Or perhaps it was a ferret. He then fled the country, leaving authorities to believe he was actually dead.

When he settled in Argentina, he assumed the surname of “Stone” and started a new life and new family. And in 1952, his son Roger was born, according to Yeger.

Yeger next described a family trip to Mexico, where they sneaked across the U.S. border by climbing over a wall. Or perhaps a steel fence.

“Growing up in the U.S.A.,” alleged Yeger, “Roger was closely mentored by his dad, Joe, and from him developed a keen interest in politics. Especially the politics of propaganda.”

At age 20, he dropped out of college and went to work for the 1972 re-election campaign of his idol, Richard Nixon. He seemed a natural, and after the campaign was recruited by other political candidates, such as Ronald Reagan and Donald Trump, to assist with their messaging.

Yeger claims Stone has been instrumental in many dirty political tricks since 1972, that hauntingly remind us of his alleged dad, Joseph Goebbels. These tricks have involved oft-repeated barefaced lies, race-baiting, and whistling at dogs. We suspect Yeger meant “dog whistles”, but lost something in the translation.

And now Yeger wants to see Stone’s birth certificate.

“Is he really a natural born U.S. citizen?” Yeger muttered with a heavy tone of suspicion, “or was he born in Argentina? Let’s see the birth certificate.”

Then Yeger held up photos of Goebbels and Stone, side-by-side, and pointed to what he claims to be a strong family resemblance.

Yeger challenged, “Examine these two faces carefully. Notice how they both resemble the face of a ferret? Long head, beady eyes, narrow nose, thin lips. And then there is the behavior of a ferret, and the personality of a ferret. How can these two not be related?”

Ferret

It’s a good question. Check out the photos and decide for yourself. But to really know for sure, maybe Dreck Yeger is right. We must see the birth certificate.

This has been real, fake news. Satire. Nuh-uh, didn’t really happen.

2019: The End is Near!

If you hate politics as much as me, you’re gonna love this political post. I predict that the end is near!

My prediction for the year 2019 is that at some blessed moment, on some blessed day of next year, Donald Trump will leave office and no longer be our president. He will either be impeached and convicted, or he will resign.

But that’s not the end I’m prophesying. I’m prognosticating that within a few months after Trump leaves office, you’ll be able to tune into any cable news channel and watch for at least ten minutes without hearing the T-word.

Yes, the dreaded T-word is on the way out. No more Trump this, Trump that, Trump all the time, 24/7. And many news anchors and reporters will be laid off, because the T-word seems to be the extent of their vocabulary.

Finally we’ll be able to watch news covering other subjects besides our beloved president. And I do mean beloved, because we do so love to hate him.

Here’s why I think Trump is soon to be history. It’s all in the math:

Last month the Republicans got their red asses whipped by the Democrats, in the mid-terms. They lost at least 40 seats in the House of Representatives, to the Dems, and thus lost control of the House. And their bowels. And their bladders.

Yes, they did gain two Senate seats, as Trump is quick to crow, but conditions were very favorable for them in the Senate this election cycle. 26 Democratic senate seats were up for reelection, but only 9 Republican seats. The Republicans should have picked up a lot more than just two seats. And if Trump hadn’t been out campaigning so hard for them, they probably would have.

In the next election, Senate prospects will be far less favorable for the Republicans, because they will be defending 22 seats, while the Dems will try to keep their asses planted in just 12.

Right now, Republican senators must be shitting a brick every time they think about the upcoming 2020 elections. Donald Trump is highly unpopular in America. And with each new scandal, and each new revelation from the many investigations, his popularity treads on thinner and thinner ice. The elections of 2020 will likely be a massacre for the GOP in the Senate if something isn’t done about Trump, now.

Impeachment is a two step process. The House of Representatives does the impeaching. A simple majority of 218 votes is required to impeach. And there will be at least 235 Democrats sharpening their knives in the House next year. So the votes are there. Let the stabbing begin.

But Step 2 requires the Senate to do the convicting and removing. After the House votes for impeachment, Trump will be put on trial in the Senate. After the trial, two-thirds of the Senate will have to vote to convict and evict Trump from the White House. That means 67 out of our 100 senators will have to vote against Trump, on at least one of the many expected counts of impeachment.

Next year there will be 45 Democratic senators, and 2 Independent senators, that can be expected to vote for removal. Unless an asteroid strikes our planet. Or unless Yellowstone blows up and sinks North America. Or unless glacial ice-melting submerges Washington D.C.

Thus, at least 20 of the 53 Republican senators will also have to vote for removal, to rid cable news of the T-word.

I believe the Senate will have no trouble mustering those 20 Republican votes. Remember, 22 Republican senators will be up for reelection in 2020. And 22 more will face reelection in 2022. And so I suspect there are at least 44 nervous Republicans in the Senate who are secretly hoping and praying for the president’s early political demise, in spite of all the lickspittle public praise they heap upon him.

Otherwise their political careers may go straight down Trump’s golden crapper.

What they need is a premise. Some red meat. Something they can show to their fanatics, er, voters, that Trump really is the terrible person his new Chief of Staff said he is. You know, a con artist. A liar. And a corrupt sellout to countries like Russia and Saudi Arabia. The kind of stuff everyone who is not a Republican, or Donald’s Chief of Staff, is already aware of.

That way they’ll have an excuse to vote for his removal, while standing a chance at getting enough votes to win their Republican primary elections.

And we already have some red meat. Trump has been implicated in a scheme to violate campaign finance laws, by paying off the National Enquirer to silence women he’s had extramarital affairs with.

Remember Bill Clinton? He survived removal after he was impeached, when zero Democratic Senators, but 50 Republican senators, voted to convict and evict over charges stemming from a sex scandal. Yep, where Democrats have no morality, Republicans are loaded with it. They will not stand for any president to have illicit sex. Regardless of political party. Right? Uh, ahem. R-r-right.

But just to be on the safe side, I’m sure much more meat will be put on display at the butcher shop. Special Counsel Bob Mueller will issue his report, and the House of Representatives will complete a few investigations of their own. And the Southern District Court of New York will also do some snooping. Soon we’ll see meat on display with labels such as, “The Putin Penthouse Steak”, “Obstruction Sausage”, and “Trump Roast Tax Returns”.

And maybe there’ll be some “Collusion Calimari” on the side.

I predict that will be enough. That kind of meat is what Republican senators need, to satisfy their party. That is what they are secretly praying for, even while openly defending our orange oligarch.

And the sooner the better. Because the sooner they can get rid of Trump, the sooner they can get on with the business most important to them. Their reelection campaigns.

You heard it here first. My prediction for 2019. No more Trump, and the T-word is on its way out. The end is near!

God I hope I’m right.

Vote Moderate!

Stay centered and vote moderate!

I am not Democrat or Republican. Nor am I liberal or conservative. No, I’m a boring, nonpartisan, mealy-mouthed moderate.

I don’t like demagogues, revolutionaries, or charismatic leaders. I prefer politicians who are as middle-of-the-road and monotonous as me. I like those who serve as ballast, sitting in the center of the boat and suppressing dramatic rocking actions.

I want political progress to inch along slowly, deliberately, and contemplatively, rather than dramatically jumping back and forth. And I want to read about it not on the front page of the newspaper, but somewhere around page 10.

I prefer political leaders who hem and haw. I like them best when they scratch their heads and say such things as, “Gee, I don’t know,” “Shucks, maybe,” and “Heck, I guess so.” I like a legislator who votes for or against a bill and then later says, “Hmm. Maybe I should have gone the other way.”

That’s because I want our politicians to be reflective. They’re making important decisions that affect our lives, so I want them to cogitate carefully about what they support and what they resist.

Let’s not hold it against them when they waffle. Allow them to change their minds a dozen times. There’s a difference between being vague and evasive, and frankly admitting, “I don’t know.” Evasive politicians have already decided. They just don’t want to reveal their decision. But the truly indecisive ones are candid about their inability to make up their minds.

Am I right? I think I am. Or maybe not.

And I believe those leaders are dangerous, who pound the podium with thundering declarations, while stirring up crowds and making news headlines. They make politics exciting, but they also put everyone in peril. They stir up movements that inspire equal and opposite counter-movements. The resulting conflict polarizes our country, destabilizes our institutions, and hamstrings progress.

At least, that’s my view.

Family members turn against each other. Violence against those who disagree with us becomes acceptable. And the economy suffers when the present is chaotic and the future contains great uncertainties.

What do you think? Correct me if I’m wrong.

But moderate politicians have a soothing effect on society. They help us keep calm, stable, and on steady footing. Sure they may be monotonous, and at times exasperating in their indecisiveness. And their mealy-mouthed speeches do have a soporific way of inducing comas. But when you listen carefully, you’ll find them complex, thought-provoking, and empathetic to all sides.

This is my current belief.

Tomorrow is Election Day. I encourage you to get out and vote, if you haven’t done so already. And please be careful, deliberate, and reflective in the manner in which you vote. Yes, please be boring tomorrow. As you study your ballot, take your time. Look for those candidates who interest you the least. Avoid the exciting ones. Seek out the eggheads, the nerds, and the wishy-washy, mealy-mouths. And put your “X” by their names.

Vote moderate!

(But only if you really want to.)

Why Amerika Is Great Again

Amerika’s symbol, looking for newly created greatness.

Mid-term elections are less than three months away, and President Trump is out on the campaign trail. With his wavy combover flapping like an Amerikan flag in the breeze, he’s reminding us how he’s made Amerika great again.

And it’s undeniable. Amerika has once again emerged as a great world power. Here are a few reasons why:

Amerika is great again because our worries about war with Russia are over, now that they’re our bestest friends. It’s true that our newest worries are war with Canada, Mexico, England, Germany, France, China, Iran, and a whole bunch of other countries. But between us and Russia, we have enough nuclear missiles to blow them and the whole world up many, many times over. And that’s a great comfort.

Amerika is great again because we’ve identified our biggest enemy. Mexicans. We recently started separating Mexican children from their parents. Or are they Hondurans and El Salvadorans? Wait, what’s the difference? This separation has led to alarm and anxiety amongst the Mexican/Honduran/El Salvadoran people. Hell, let’s just call them the Mexihonadorans. Next we will sell their children back to them and use the proceeds to build a Great Wall.

Amerika is great again because we are eliminating our trade deficit with the world. What with tariffs and retaliatory tariffs, our trade deficit with other nations is on the decline. In fact, all trading with other nations is on the decline. When trading eventually reaches zero, this should encourage us to become a great, self-sufficient country.

Amerika is great again because we no longer have to worry about global warming. We’ve learned to distrust the fake scientists and fake news media that have propagated myths like global warming. So now we feel safe getting rid of emission standards and turning our air into the great smell of money. A great amount of money. For great, hard working folks, like those who work for Trump.

Amerika is great again because we’ve discovered that the only real news comes from Facebook memes. And we don’t even have to create them. Our caring comrades in Russia have volunteered to produce all the memes we need to keep abreast of real news events. This information will help Amerikan citizens in many ways, but especially when deciding how to vote.

Trump has truly made Amerika great again, and we should feel appreciative. So come November, head on down to the polls and send President Trump’s party your own personal message of gratitude. But it really won’t be necessary for you to make such effort. These days you can just stay at home and let someone in Saint Petersburg do your voting for you.

And isn’t that great?

For a related post about Russian meddling, check out this from nrhatch:
https://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2018/08/11/health-alert-from-fox-news/

Trump vs. Hitler

I’ve heard many people compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler. I don’t think that’s fair, and I’m not about to do it. I think there are a lot of differences between the two.

For instance, Hitler colluded with Russia to acquire Poland. However Trump colluded with Russia to take Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. That’s a big difference.

Hitler died in 1945. Trump was born in 1946. So at the most, Trump is merely Hitler reincarnated.

Hitler parted his natural-born hair on the right, and combed it over to the left. Trump parts his TRANSPLANTED hair on the right, and combs it over to the left.

Hitler was unmarried, but had mistresses. Trump has had mistresses, too. But while married.

Hitler invaded Russia and stole their oil. Trump went to Finland and unctuously poured oil all over the Russian president.

Hitler used Jews as scapegoats. But Trump uses Mexicans, instead.

Is this Trump or Hitler, as a 12-year-old boy? Or do I even have to ask?

Hitler was a master orator. Trump is a master debater.

Hitler was an artist, and inspired the German people with his design of the swastika flag. On the other hand Trump doesn’t draw. He did inspire the American people with his book, “The Art of the Deal,” but it was ghost-written by some guy named Schwartz.

You see? And the differences go on and on.

And that is why I will never confuse Trump with Hitler.

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