I’ve been reading about the carbon footprint and how it’s trampling our planet. It seems every human bean leaves a carbon footprint, everywhere they go, and this footprint contributes to global warming.
I don’t think that’s possible with me, since I always have very cold feet. How can these ice-cold feet be warming up the globe?
Nonetheless, I hate leaving carbon in my tracks. It’s a filthy habit. Have you ever handled carbon paper? Afterward you leave black, sooty fingerprints on everything you touch. I guess that’s sort of what we’re doing with our carbon footprints. Or is the plural, feetprint?
Here are some ideas I’ve come up with to clean up our act and reduce our carbon feetprint:
- Don’t have children. Having just one child is the same as doubling your carbon footprint, for a lifetime. So if you want to reduce global warming, stop being so fruitful with your multiplying upon the earth.
- Take cold showers. This serves a dual purpose. First, you’ll burn less fossil fuel by showering in water that has not been heated. Also, cold showers reduce sex drive. This reduces your chance of having a child and doubling your carbon footprint.
- Stop smoking. Burning cigarettes wantonly sends greenhouse emissions into our atmosphere. On the other hand, if it shortens your lifespan this will reduce your overall carbon footprint. So keep lighting up.
- Opt for burial, instead of cremation, when you die. When you’re cremated the carbon footprint from your smoldering body heads straight up to the ozone layer, warming our planet for generations to come.
- Get more sleep. The more you sleep, the less artificial light you’ll need. That means less electricity used, with less coal burned at your local power plant. And think of how refreshed you’ll feel all day long. So if your boss catches you napping, tell your boss you’re saving the earth by reducing your carbon footprint. Your boss will find that refreshing.
- Attend Braille classes, even if you’re not blind. You’ll learn how to walk, eat, and do everything else in complete darkness. This will allow you to switch off all artificial lights without adversely affecting your lifestyle.
- Join the Hair Club. Bald heads are less insulated and lose more body heat. But growing hair conserves body heat and prevents turning the thermostat up. Also, everyone knows that men with hair attract women. With many women piled on top of you in bed, you’ll be so warm you won’t need your furnace at all. But first, take a cold shower.
- Ban greenhouses. I can’t think of a more obvious way to reduce greenhouse emissions than to ban greenhouses.
- Ban paleontology. It’s the paleontologists who keep discovering fossils. Without them, we’d have no fossil fuels to burn, and no one would have a carbon footprint.
- Walk on tiptoes. Nothing reduces feetprint like walking on tiptoes.