Dear Mom

Gibber Jabberin, one of the frequent commenters on this blog, has been away for a few days. Her mother passed away, and she has been attending her funeral in Ontario.

She wasn’t told by her father just how sick her mother was, until it was too late for her to have any conversation with her. But Gibber has been estranged from her mother, and father, for many years. She once had a blog dedicated to discussing her issues concerning her parents and other family members. I wasn’t a follower at the time, but I’ve heard it was quite a lively blog.

There was much Gibber wanted her mother to understand about her, which she was unable to communicate, due to her mother being unwilling to listen, and due to her unexpected passing. And so, after her mother passed away, she wrote a letter to her, read that letter to her at a private visitation, and then left the letter in her casket.

The tragedy here, as I see it, is that she could never get her mother to listen to her while her mother was alive.

Take care to listen to your children. Even if you disagree with them, at least try to understand them. You can be close to those you disagree with, as long as you try to know what’s in their heart. That’s all it takes.

Here is the letter Gibber wrote:

Dear mom,

You died yesterday.
You decided I didn’t deserve to know you were sick. I’m not sure how I lost that right when all the abuse you and dad brought caused me to have to walk away for my own sanity. I’m not sure how that took away my right to being your daughter.
I found out you were dying two days before you did and therefore I had no chance to say the things I needed to say to you.
You died yesterday.
Your last email to me wished me a happy Birthday and then mentioned that you didn’t know what went wrong. I responded back that I wanted to tell you but you both wouldn’t listen. Then I never heard from you again.
You died yesterday
Blaming me once again for the family break, when I was the last one to contact you. I wasn’t the one that abused you.
You died yesterday
Thinking the worst of me, despite that fact that you’re the one who turned your back on me. You looked the other way when I was raped at ll. You looked the other way when your brother abused me, and out rightly told me you chose him over me. Your daughter. You looked the other way and told me I was a burden and you were too busy on many occasions when I had broken down with the heartache of it all.
You died yesterday
And despite it all I was trying to make it there to see you before you went.
You died yesterday
Forgetting that I was constantly there for you when you fought your first battle with kidney failure. I was there. For you. Despite the abuse.
You died yesterday
Thinking I hadn’t done enough, wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve to know you were sick.
You died yesterday
Never being a real mother too me. You both only had your own best interests in mind.
You died yesterday
Making me feel like I had to earn the right to be your child. Why couldn’t I just be your child because you were my mother? Why was so much expected of me? You were never grateful. You only saw what I didn’t do, not what I did do.
You died yesterday
Never sharing the experience of our first home, never looking after me in my illness. Only caring what was going on in your life and what I hadn’t done/been for you.
You died yesterday never protecting us from dad’s abuse. You chose to stay and allow him to abuse us and you. Why?
You died yesterday
Never being a real mother to me. It seemed you had no maternal instinct.
You died yesterday blaming me for everything.
You died yesterday
Missing out on so much. Oh how I wished you knew me. How I wished you knew how much you were missing out on.
You died yesterday
Never having a mind of your own or knowing who you were because dad wouldn’t allow it.
You died yesterday and I didn’t know who you really were. Nor did you know who I was. I only started learning who I was in my 40’s because I was away from you both and all the control. I liked who I became. You wouldn’t know that.
You died yesterday
Never sharing my grief or my joys.
You died yesterday
Never knowing how I grieved for us, how I longed for my family to be whole.
You died yesterday
Never taking responsibility for any of it. Never saying you’re sorry.
You died yesterday
Preaching Christianity but not really living it. Sadly you and Dale taught us how horrible it is. You were not good role models or representatives of God and who he is.
You died yesterday
Never knowing how badly you hurt me. You broke my heart because you thought I should pay. I lost the right to be there, to see you before you went, to say goodbye while you were still alive. You robbed so much from me and it was deliberate.
You died yesterday
And I never got to tell you goodbye in person.
You died yesterday
Leaving me to write you this letter that you will never hear
You died yesterday
And now I have to say it in this letter
You died yesterday
And I forgive you.
I forgive you for all the cruelty, neglect, betrayal, hurt, and heartache you caused.
You died yesterday
And I forgive you for dying.
Dying before I had the chance to say all this in person.
Once again.
I forgive you.
I love you.
I always loved you and I wish you knew that.
Goodbye for now
Mom.