Category Archives: Blog

Masscots

Vic, at Cosmic Observation, has suggested that this blog needs a mascot. I thought a jackass named “Jack” would be an apt mascot, since we have so many smartasses that drop comments here. But then she suggested a female mascot. Perhaps a jackass named “Jenny.” She pointed out that Jenny is the animal husbandry term for a female jackass.

First of all, now that I know this, I feel sorry for any woman named Jenny. And I also feel sorry for any husband that has to marry an animal. But if I had to marry an animal, I think a jackass would be my first choice. They’re cute, and ornery, and funny, all at the same time. Just what I like in a spouse.

Back in the Old West days, many a lonely desert prospector considered their jackass to be their best friend. And who knows what went on between them, in the name of animal husbandry. So if a scruffy old desert prospector can marry a jackass, I think it’s only fitting that we smartasses choose the jackass as our mascot.

As Chancellor of Jackass University, I hereby make the choice, without objection, for all of us. I nominate our new mascots to be jackasses.

Only I’m calling them “masscots,” with two s’s. And their names are Jack Ass, and Jenny Ass, from the Ass family.

If anyone objects to this nomination, please leave your smartass comments, below. If necessary, we can hold an election. And then we can contest the results of the election. We might even take it all the way to the Supreme Court, and leave it up to its nine jackasses to decide the matter.

And now I introduce to you, our nominees. Our two prospective masscots. Our symbols of the hallowed craft of smartassery. Here, ladies and gentlemen, are Jack and Jenny Ass . . .

The Perfect Spam Recipe

Yesterday, Carolyn, at Nuggets of Gold, usurped the title of King Spam from Colin, and became our newest Queen of Spam. Remember the Silly Spam Game we played back in May, where the challenge was to submit a silly comment that my spam filter would catch? Colin, from A Dog’s Life? (Stories of Me and Him) won that challenge, with one comment that he masterfully crafted with a good spam recipe.

Meanwhile, none of Carolyn’s recipes worked, so she lost the contest.

But yesterday, a record four of Carolyn’s comments got snagged by my spam filter, and I had to stick my hand through all the yuck and muck and dig them out.

But I think I now know why some comments from pre-approved commentators on my blog end up on the spam heap. In other words, I think I’ve figured out the perfect recipe for making spam.

Occasionally after reading a comment, I get in an all-fired hurry and try replying to it without putting my cursor in the Reply box and clicking the mouse. Of course it doesn’t work, and WordPress just sits there and ignores me until I put my brain in gear and figure out what I did wrong. That is, unless the first letter I attempt to type is a capital S. Then the comment is instantly vacuum-sucked into the spam filter, with no warning or message telling me what is about to happen or what just did happen.

Compliments of WP, we have a shortcut key-combo of Shift+S, designed to instantly open up the trap door beneath an obnoxious commentator, and drop them into the Spam Dungeon. But if you are unaware of this shortcut key-combo, you may inadvertently send a good commentator into the Spam Dungeon. And that is not how to make blogging buddies.

Not only that, but once you drop someone down there, they remain there. Apparently, that’s what happened with Carolyn. A few days ago, I inadvertently opened the trapdoor with Shift+S, and down she dropped into the oubliette. I said to myself, “What the hell? Now, where did Carolyn go?”

I finally found her, wan and wasting, in the deep dark depths of Spam Prison. Of course I freed her, because she gives me lots of Golden Delicious apples.

But somehow, WP didn’t get the notice of her parole, and it kept sending her comments down to Spam Hell, even without Shift+S. That’s very nice of you, WP, to try to read my mind like that.

After manually approving four of her condemned spams, er, comments, WP seems to have finally figured out that she’s a good commentator (relatively speaking). And now WP has stopped doing me the unsolicited favor of filtering out her comments.

Carolyn is Queen Spam!

But not before she snatched the royal spam title away from Colin. So congratulations, Carolyn. Today I crown you Queen Spam!

Ta-ta-da-dahhh!

By the way, Carolyn, I promise to be good from now on, lest you use Shift+S too, and drop me down into those dark depths from which few return.

King Spam

Yesterday we played the Silly Spam Game. I challenged my followers who were pre-approved commenters to make silly comments that my spam filter might catch. Thank you to all who tried their hand at spamming. Unfortunately, only one succeeded.

Colin, from A Dog’s Life? (Stories of me and him) created the perfect mix of spam, with a comment that looked sort of like something from a mad Russian hacker. And my spam filter grabbed that comment and stuffed it deep into its hidden spam dungeon.

Colin is King Spam!

And so, Colin, you are the winner. Today I crown you King Spam.

Ta-ta-da-dahhh!

A runner-up who I think merits mention is the Nowhere Tribune. He created a comment that consisted of three successive links to his blog. My spam filter didn’t quite stop it, but I did have to approve his comment before it would appear.

And so, Nowhere Tribune, you came in second. I crown you Viceroy of Spam.

Ta-dahhh!

Joyroses13, nrhatch, and Gibber, thanks for trying so hard. But it looks like you’ll have to eat more spam to improve your spamming skills.

And me too, because try as I may, I couldn’t even spam myself.

The Silly Spam Game

A few months ago, joyroses13, one of my more annoying pleasant followers, made the following silly comment: “…..!!!!” In fact, she made three such comments. All three were caught and flagged by my spam filter. As far as WordPress was concerned, joyroses13 was a spammer.

This left me wondering what the heck is going on with WP? Doesn’t WP realize she’s an approved commenter of my blog? So why would WP flag any comment from her, or any other of my approved commenters? Because this sort of thing has happened to others, as well.

There’s something fluky going on with WP’s spam filter. And that gives me inspiration for a little game. How about if we use this post to see how many silly “spam” comments we can make?

The way this game works, is rather than make a normal comment, try to make some crazy kind of silly comment that WP might flag as spam. Because this blog is about unicorns, which are unique creatures, your comment has to be substantially different from anyone else’s. So you can’t cheat and repeat joyroses13’s “….!!!!” comment.

Whoever makes the most amount of unique, silly “spam” comments, that are flagged as spam by WordPress, wins. How about if we make the prize a photo of a can of spam? I can post it tomorrow, with the name of the winner beneath it, along with a link to the winner’s blog. Wouldn’t it be a great honor to win such a fabulous prize?

And I’m going to see if I can spam myself, with this silly comment: &&&&$$$$whoooowheeee?????….

Alright everyone, let’s get on with the Silly Spam Game. Try to spam me.

Go ahead. I dare ya.

Business As Snoozual

In yesterday’s post I hinted that some changes were in the works for Chasing Unicorns. Yessirree there are. Because I’m not a business-as-usual kind of guy. Nosirree.

But I hope I didn’t leave you with the wrong impression about me. I do like change, this is true. Change is wonderful. I love the refreshing novelty of doing something new. But what I don’t like is having to work hard to achieve change. That’s because I’m a business-as-snoozual kind of guy.

This is me, trying to dream up a new post.

I want to rest and relax and let other people achieve change for me. I want to enjoy all the neat, new things people provide. As long as they don’t disturb my nap. That would be anathema. (And you know what anathema means, don’t you Just Joan 42?)

They say the smartest people are the laziest. That’s because they come up with all kinds of ingenious ways to get out of work. So, lazy as I am, I put on my thinking cap the other day and tried real hard to be smart. It hurt. Thinking is not a practice I approach lightly. I don’t allow myself to think this hard except maybe two or three times per year.

But ala kazam and zippedy doo! What do you know? A 14-watt, LED 100-watt equivalent light bulb switched on above my head. I got an idea!

My idea is to let my followers help me out with my blog.

My blog is about chasing unicorns. Unicorn is code for unique. So the purpose of my blog is to chase after uniqueness.

That’s why my posts tend to be eclectic. One day I might post about fabric softener. Some other day I might post about Trump, or a national park I visited, or something historical. I aim for variety. I try to keep my posts unique, just like a unicorn is unique.

And when my lazy, lame brain can’t come up with anything unique, I steal a unique quote from some unsuspecting celebrity.

Uniqueness is all a part of change. The more change we experience, the more uniqueness we experience. This is where you, my followers, come into my brilliant, 14-watt, LED 100-watt equivalent idea. You can provide change to my blog by submitting unique things, that I will post for you.

For instance, if you have a unique question, or a unique idea, or maybe you’re in a unique situation, you can submit it to Chasing Unicorns. Or let’s say you’ve had a unique experience, or you recently learned something unique. Or whatever the heck it is, as long as it’s unique, you can submit it to this blog.

I’ll post it for you. And I’ll even post a link to your blog, to give you some free advertisement. Then the rest of us can look at the “unicorn” you sent me, and make smart-ass wise-ass dumb-ass unique comments about it. In this way, we’ll be creating more unicorns, with our comments.

There will be no rules, except the ones I make up as we go along. And I’d rather not make up any because I’m too lazy to enforce rules. So please try to keep it halfway civilized.

This I think, could be a perfect plan. Just let my wacky, nutty, crazy followers write my blog for me. What could possibly go wrong?

There are two new pages at the top of this blog that explain the whole unicorn submission process in detail. The page entitled, What’s a Unicorn? will hopefully give you a better idea of how I define a unicorn. And the page entitled, Unicorn Teleporting Pod will explain how to transport your unicorn to my blog.

But if you’re as lazy as me, and don’t want to read those pages, I’ll make it real simple, right here. Just send your unicorn to the following email address:

And I’ll take it from there.

Alright, enough of this chit-chat. It’s time for my nap, and it’s time for you to start chasing unicorns. Get on out there and catch some one-horned beasts for me, and teleport them in. Hopefully the fun can begin tomorrow, with a brand new, unique post from a follower.

I’m really looking forward to the changes you add to my blog. But as for now I’m feeling sleepy. So it’s time for me to get right down to some business.

Business as snoozual.

Movin’ On Up

Chasing Unicorns is movin’ on up. I’ve upgraded to WordPress’s Premium Plan.

After eight years of freeriding off WordPress, and four or five or six different blogs—heck I can’t even count them all—I’ve finally stumbled into a blog that I’ve stuck with longer than it takes snow to melt from a hot pile of manure.

For some reason Chasing Unicorns has grown on me, and I think I’m going to keep it around a while. So why not reward this blog, and my loyal followers, by bedizening it with an upgrade?

The Premium Plan costs $96 a year. I’ve felt a little skeptical about what I could get from prying my wallet open that wide, and that’s one thing that was holding me back.

But so far it seems worth the dough. One of my favorite things is the unlimited Premium themes. These themes, that you have to pay for, seem to come with more versatility and better artistic design.

I opted for the Broadsheet theme. It’s priced at $79 for those with the Free or Personal Plan. But it’s nothing extra when you’re a Premium Plan subscriber.

I love the Advanced Design Customization. You can tweak the hell out of your theme, and come up with all kinds of unique designs. In fact, I’ve tweaked my Broadsheet theme so much, you’d swear I was a meth head.

I also got a new domain name. Now my blog can be found under two domains–the one I’ve had all along, and a new one with “wordpress” removed. And so now you can find me at https://unicorniks.com, as well as https://unicorniks.wordpress.com. It ain’t no big deal, just snob value, really. But somehow it seems to add legitimacy to a website. By the way, you can also get this feature with the Personal Plan, which only costs $48 per year.

I get 13GB of storage space also, as opposed to the 4GB that comes with the Free Plan. This helps me relax. I use a lot of photos and have been getting worried about bumping up against my top limit.

Something that puzzles me is that I’m now paying for “Advanced Social Media”. This allows me to schedule my social media posts in advance. Hmm, I’ve been able to do that all along, with the Free Plan. Has WordPress just not noticed, and let me get away with something? Or has WordPress hoped I wouldn’t notice that I’ve had this feature all along, and they think they’re the ones getting away with something?

All in all, I’m very happy with the upgrade. And I hope you will be too.

And now that Chasing Unicorns is upgraded, it’s also going to change directions a little. Sometimes you have to zig, zag, and jink around to catch more unicorns. This change is still in the works, but I think I’ll be introducing it very soon.

Thank you from the calcified chambers of my heart for following me. I hope you’ll enjoy the new flavor of my blog.

Please stay tuned, and always keep up the chase!

Blogging in Paradise

FIRST DRAFT! KEEP REVISING. DON’T POST YET.

So you want too be a blogger?

Theirs nothing harter than writing a goddamned post. 1st you got to spell things rigth corectally. Than you got to corect all the grammer. Otherwise the spelling Nasis and Grammer Nasiz will be all over you.

The wurst thing about riding a post is all the reriding. It take me about a 100 drafts to get it rite.

Blogging is all about removing your bra unbosoming and revealing the inner depths of your heart. Its about telling spreading propagating you’re personal take opinion viewpoint — ah fuck this, check the thesaurus — weltanschauung to the world utilizing simple, easy to understand language.

Then, after youve’ composed a whole danged article, you now have to compost a title. And it better be good, otherwise noone will read or like the post. It doesnt not have to have anything to do about the actual article, but it batter be creative.

I try to follow the examples set by other bloggers, such as

Note: Change names to avoid a lawsuit.

Goober, A Lease, Vick’s Toe, Joneses, Mr. Hatchling, Smile Alarm, and Trench. There stile has inspired me manny times.

So iff ewe want to try blogging, just understand how difficult hard it can be. Hours and ours of labor go into it. You must polish, polish, Polish. Other bloggers rarely like wat you right the first time. What you write.

But if you get just one like, even if its just you’re own. Than its worth it.

Self-Liking

LikeButton

A few days ago I inadvertently hit the Like button on one of my posts. I started to remove the Like when I thought, “Wait a second, what’s not to like here?”

And then my angels took over.

Good Angel (on my right shoulder): It isn’t fair to Like your own posts.

Evil Angel (on my left shoulder): Who said blogging is fair? Go back and Like all of your posts.

Good Angel: You’ll get stuck up and conceited.

Evil Angel: You already are. And has it harmed you? No, you’re perfect.

Good Angel: It’s trite to Like your own posts.

Evil Angel: It’s trite to engage in this inner debate. Just do it and move on.

Good Angel: What if a post really isn’t that good? If you Like it, then you may not be receptive to constructive feedback from all the non-Likes you don’t receive. Or do receive. Or whatever. Now I’m confused.

Evil Angel: Don’t listen to that confused imbecile! Like, like, like! It’s a war out there and he who dies with the most Likes wins.

I’m still not sure. Can anyone help me with this ethical debate? Is it okay to Like your own posts?

Rave Reviews

SpamReviews

I think I’ve finally caught a unicorn! I’ve discovered that this blog has received rave reviews. Now, fame seems to be just around the corner. I found these reviews by going through a maze of clicks. For some reason, WordPress has been hiding them from my view, on an obscure page called Spam. But that’s the way unicorns are. They’re very elusive.

Here are some of the outstanding reviews my sensational, superlative blog has received:

“Magnificent goods from you, man. I’ve understand your stuff previous to and you’re just too fantastic.” – silvanomorandi.

“I would like to thank you for the efforts you have put in writing this site. I am hoping the same high-grade blog post from you in the upcoming also.” – diadelcazador.

“I am just commenting to make you understand of the helpful discovery my cousin’s princess found reading through the blog. She picked up a good number of pieces, which included what it is like to have a marvelous helping character to have many others completely learn several specialized matters.” – dyrlaegevagten.

“楼主,请原谅我的自私!我知道无论用多么华丽的辞藻来形容楼主您帖子的精彩程度都是不够的,都是虚伪的,所以我只想说” – sesexy.

“Thank you a lot for sharing this with all people you really know what you’re talking approximately!” – aeiautomocion.

“This video post is actually enormous, the sound feature and the picture quality of this tape post is in fact awesome.” – thomasbiler. (I don’t do video or tape posts, but thanks for the rave review, Thomas.)

Who knows, you may have rave reviews hidden on your blog, also. To find them, hover over My Sites, then click on WP Admin. Then click on Comments. Finally, click on the Spam menu, under the Comments heading. That’s a long information scent to follow, but no one ever said catching a unicorn was easy.

Ahem! Excuse me.

Ling & Buttons02

Ahem! Excuse me, please. I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Tippy Gnu (pronounced Guh-new). This is my first official post, on my new blog, Chasing Unicorns.

I’m very excited about this new blog, and plan to post very frequently. At least once per hour. But I’m also extremely lazy, so it’s going to take a lot of self-discipline to keep up such a hectic posting pace.

I’ll try to keep my daily posts polished, well-researched, and credible. That way, once every other day you’ll be able to count on me to provide delicious provender for your mind.

When my weekly post appears on your reader, please take the time to read it, even if it seems to be a first draft. I’m a busy guy and take lots of naps. I don’t always have time to ensure that my subjects have preceded my predicates, and all that other sentence-structure folderol.

Besides, you’ll only be hearing from me once a month. It takes a while for me to do the legal research required to ensure I don’t get sued for some of the lies facts I want to tell.

Now, when my annual post comes rolling up your reader, please peruse it carefully and submit a thoughtful comment. I really want to hear from you. Even if it’s just a smart-ass remark you want to make. Your thoughts mean the world to me. Yawn. I promise you I’ll have something snarky and mordant sophisticated and considerate to say in response.

So, I encourage you to follow my blog, read my post that will eventually arrive, and then engage me in smart-alecky comment repartee.

I promise it will be a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

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