Category: adversetisement

Soap Sudstitute

(Adversetisement)

The FDA has banned antibacterial soap. They say it doesn’t do any better at cleaning your hands than plain soap, and in fact may do more harm than good.

My wife and I disagree. We’re sanitary people and have laved our hands with antibacterial soap for many years. But rather than whining and complaining about government overreach (“Take your stinking paws off me you damned dirty government!”), we have chosen to view this as an opportunity.

Okay, we whined and complained a little bit. In fact we both spent hours and hours in the bathroom washing and rewashing our hands, while crying into our antibacterial suds. “You’re just the best soap in the world, and we’re going to miss you!” we sniveled.

But then we bucked up. We walked it off. We put our heads together. And we decided to show the government a thing or two. We determined to develop an alternative to antibacterial soap.

Now we are very excited. Because after many months days weeks hours minutes of experimenting and planning and testing chemicals, we have invented a very sanitary system for expurgating germs from the hands. We hope to patent this system soon. And then we will become rich and famous! Thank you FDA, for making this opportunity possible!

The product isn’t out yet, and we don’t want anyone stealing our idea. But we thought we’d offer you a sneak preview. We’re sure you’re going to be just as excited as us, and will go around telling everyone about it. Who knows, you may even submit a pre-order.

So take a peek below, at Tippy Gnu’s New, Revolutionary, SOAP SUDSTITUTE System for Cleansing Hands:

Pre-Order now and receive a complete cleansing system, with instruction manual. (Dog not included).

Pre-order now and receive a complete cleansing system, with instruction manual. (Dog not included).

If our business is successful we may expand into a dish washing product line. And we could even venture into a substitute for toilet paper. Think of all the trees we can save!

Meanwhile, the video below indicates that antibacterial soap is still popular in Pakistan. Why can’t we be more like Pakistan?

Super Phonesitter

(Adversetisement)

Tired of being stuck on the phone for hours on end, with someone who doesn’t know how to shut up or hang up? It’s time to call on the all-new Super Phonesitter! The Super Phonesitter will come to your rescue, and save you from these inconsiderate blatherskites.

When you install the Super Phonesitter on any phone in your home, you can take calls from any friend or relative without worrying about that most precious resource: TIME. When they get to talkin’, you can get to walkin’, by just switching your phone to Auto.

The Super Phonesitter records your very own voice whenever you say words like, “Mmmhmm,” “Uh-huh”, “Yep,” “Okay,” “I hear you,” “I understand,” “I know,” “Gotcha,” “Wow,” “Oh no,” and “Hmm.” After just one week of recording your voice during long phone conversations, the Super Phonesitter will be ready to rescue you from any caller infected with logorrhea.

A special algorithm in the Super Phonesitter’s computer will detect the voice patterns and tones from loquacious callers, and take over your listening job for you. It will interject your very own recorded voice, providing all the “Mmmhmm’s,” “Uh-huh’s,” “Yep’s,” and other idiolects peculiar to your own brand of boredom.

It will even detect the dreaded “feedback requester”. This is when your caller, suspecting you’ve fallen asleep, will ask you for feedback. So if your caller says something like, “What do YOU think?” the Super Phonesitter will reply with something like, “I agree with you.” And all in your very own voice!

You can even hand your phone off to your dog!

You can even hand your phone off to your dog!

You can even make money with your Super Phonesitter by becoming a telephone psychiatrist. That’s right, in the comfort of your very own home, your Super Phonesitter can earn your living for you! Just answer calls from the lonely loose-tongued, take down their credit card information, and then set your Super Phonesitter to Auto. After this you can watch your favorite TV show, cook lasagna, or even take a shower. Getting rich could never be easier, and it’s all made possible with the all-new Super Phonesitter!

But wait! Call and order the Super Phonesitter before Mother’s Day and we’ll add the Auto Phonesitter to your order, free of charge, plus $50 shipping and handling! That’s a $200 value for free!! Imagine using the Auto Phonesitter on your cell phone, in your driverless car. You can babysit your mother while commuting to work! It’s perfect! While she maunders away, you can be reading a book, working on crosswords, cleaning your ears, or whatever you like to do on your way to and from work.

Save yourself from all the garrulous mouths in this world who use up your precious time on the phone. Call us now, at 1-800-SHADDUP, and get the Super Phonesitter today!

The Wizzard One-Way Window

You never have to clean it, so you always have a beautiful view!

You never have to clean it, so you always have a beautiful view!

(Adversetisement)
Imagine being able to reach outside and pick a flower off your trellis without ever opening a window. You can do this and much more with the amazing Wizzard One-Way Window! The Wizzard One-Way Window allows you to reach or climb through it from inside of your house, while preventing anything that is outside your house from entering.

How does it work? FM. Fucking Magic. Heh-heh, no we don’t reveal our secrets at Wizzard Labs. But trust us. This window will make you wonder how you ever lived without it. It’s the brainchild of our creative genius and resident mad scientist, Dr. Izzi Keek. For many years Dr. Keek studied the technology of one-way mirrors, utilizing public restrooms for his careful research. And then a breakthrough discovery allowed him to transfer one-way mirror technology to windows.

Now, for just $49.99 plus $16.68 shipping and handling, you can be the proud owner of a Wizzard One-Way Window. And then you can hold a house party and amaze your friends! Or if you live in a multi-story building, you can find clever ways to eliminate your enemies. And you’ll save time, because you’ll never have to clean the Wizzard One-Way Window.

You’ll sleep well with the Wizzard One-Way Window in your house. It’s impervious to burglars, rapists, and serial killers. And if your house catches fire, you’ll be so glad you have a window you can easily dive through.

But wait! Send your money in today, and add an extra $15.00 for additional shipping and handling, and we’ll mail you not one, not two, but three of our amazing Wizzard One-Way Windows!

Instructions: The Wizzard One-Way Window is very lightweight and portable. So we send it to you folded-up, in an envelope. This saves you mountains of cash in shipping and handling expenses! When you receive your Wizzard One-Way Window, simply open the envelope and shake it out onto a soft surface. Then grasp the window with the fingertips of both hands and carefully unfold it. The Wizzard One-Way Window is very transparent, so you may not be sure what you’re actually grasping. But if your fingers seem to pass through its surface, be confident that you are holding the actual product. After unfolding your new Wizzard One-Way Window, simply place it over any existing open window. It’s that easy!

Cautions and Disclaimers: Do not try to penetrate your Wizzard One-Way Window from the other side–damage may occur, such as shattered illusions. Some windows require a break-in period of indeterminate length before one-way action replaces two-way action. All payments, however, are always one-way, with no refunds.

Sarah Shistfleck’s All-Natural Apple Pies

Adversetisement

Adversetisement

I highly recommend Sarah Shistfleck’s All-Natural Apple Pies. No refined sugars are added. These pies are naturally sweet, from the sugars produced by the apples themselves. Sarah waits for the apples to produce the maximum amount of sweetness by allowing them to mature until they drop from the tree and lie upon the ground for several weeks. She harvests them only after the apples have entered a fermentation process, and have metamorphosed into pure globs of savory-sweet sugar.

The worms are separated from the pulp by centrifuge and of course, discarded. The pulp is then mashed and mixed into a puree, which Sarah herself bathes in. Yes, Sarah perfuses the apple-pie filling with her own naturally sweet and tart essences, adding a hint of heaven to the flavor of her special pies.

The crust of her pies is derived from organic flour, that is naturally milled from sweetgrass seed. This seed is always freshly threshed from the blades of her own son’s lawnmowing service. Isn’t it refreshing how Sarah operates a family business, producing her pies in the old-fashioned independent spirit of the American way?

The pie dough is kneaded by the delicate, innocent fingers of small children in Sarah’s wholesome, all-American suburban neighborhood. And these children are recompensed for their loving labor through the old-fashioned barter system, where they are allowed to eat all the delicious pie dough they can stuff into their tiny little cherubic mouths. It’s straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting.

So fill your pie-hole with the original, organic, old-fashioned, all-American Sarah Shistfleck’s All-Natural Apple Pies. I guarantee that after you try just one slice, you’ll never want any other pie again.

Failsafe Felony

FailsafeFelony

(Adversetisement)

Melvin is a savvy burglar. He watches plenty of TV. So when he stepped onto the porch of Mrs. Wifty’s home, he instantly recognized the Ding doorbell. He knew it like instinct, from all the TV ads that had been saturating his subconscious.

“Ding!” he rang the doorbell.

“Hello? How may I help you?” a lady’s voice crackled on the dinky speaker.

Wait a second, wasn’t that an engine revving in the background? “Hi, I’m going around trimming trees. Wanna free estimate?” Melvin inquired.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m bathing my children right now.” the slightly desperate-sounding voice came back. A car honked its horn.

“Okay,” said Melvin. He walked around to the backyard, wondering if she was lying, or bathing her children in the middle of a traffic jam.

No, he knew. She was lying. Melvin was no idiot, and neither are you. He got away with a really cool haul from Mrs. Wifty’s house. He even took the Ding doorbell.

Now this tip may be obvious to you, but there’s much more to successful burglary than putting two-and-two together after watching hundreds of TV ads concerning a popular anti-burglary product.

And now we make this exclusive knowledge available to you, for just $20.00. That’s right, for only $20.00 you can enter almost any home in your neighborhood, armed with knowledge culled from the minds of America’s most experienced burglars.

Breaking and entering has never been more fun and profitable with the release of our latest book, Failsafe Felony. The low price of $20.00 will seem like a steal to you, when you break open the cover. You’ll pick the minds of San Quentin’s best, and learn valuable lessons such as the following:

Body-Grease for Chimneys
Risk-Free Rappelling
Tamping Tintinnabulation Without Cuts
Casing Tips for Contractors
Exercises to Improve Your Ducking, Leaping, and Sprinting Skills
Stockings, Paper Bags, and Other Clever Disguises
How Far to Punt a Yapping Chihuahua
And much, much more

To receive your must-have copy, just enclose a twenty-dollar bill, or your credit card, in an envelope, and mail it to the following address:

Dean Sneed, #G985139725033-a
Yard 12, Block 17, Suite #36
San Quentin Educational Facility
San Quentin, California

We’ll mail you a copy of Failsafe Felony, immediately after receiving your Andy Jackson. Yes, we really will. Don’t worry.

My Apology Here

With great embarrassment and contrition, I’m writing this post to apologize for yesterday’s post. Yesterday I posted a sign in the widget sidebar that said, “Your Ass Here.” I intended that sign to read “Your Ad Here,” and have now corrected the spelling. I can explain this mistake, and I hope you’ll be kind enough to hear me out.

It is not my policy to post profanity on my blog. At least, not in such a conspicuous manner. This is a family blog, and children read my posts.

By the way, the following message is for any child who saw yesterday’s post:

Ass=Donkey

Ass = Donkey

Kids, the sign you saw on Uncle Tippy’s blog that read, “You’re Ass Here” was about donkeys. Just like the donkey named Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh. Did you know that “ass” is another word for donkey? So that’s what my sign was about. I wanted to see pictures of donkeys on my blog.

Now stop reading. The rest of this post is for adults only.

Alright, let me continue. I’m sorry for misspelling the word “Ad” yesterday. It’s nobody’s fault but my own. I’ve been having a bit of trouble in the nether regions lately. Seems I’ve developed an allergy to Preparation H, and my hindquarters have been foremost on my mind these days. The best way I can put my finger on it is, I felt an itch at the exact moment I created the sign, and the wrong word must have slipped into my spelling.

I’m a real asshole for allowing that to happen. And I’m definitely a shitbird for not proofreading my post. I mean, fuck me to tears, this is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done.

I hope you’ll forgive me, and I promise never to let it happen again.

Your Ad Here

Your Ad Here

I have a new widget in my sidebar that I hope will not bother you. It’s a message that says, “Your Ad Here.”

Some people find messages like this disturbing. They want bloggers to be above this sort of thing. We’re supposed to put everything we have into our work, and not get anything in return. So let me make this clear. This blog is no charity, and I’m no saint. I want a piece of the action, baby!

If you share my ambition to be rich and famous, consider the opportunity presented by my sidebar message. Imagine all the exposure you’ll receive, from what you put onto that space. And think of the revenue you can generate. I guarantee you’ll be excited when you see your bottom line, and people keep entering your business.

Now if you’re a purist blog reader who doesn’t like this sort of thing, what goes in that space over there may really stink. But I encourage you to examine it carefully, and respond in a positive manner if you honestly like what you see. Who knows, you may enjoy it so much you’ll want to buy what’s being offered.

Don’t sit on this opportunity. With my blog, you’re poised to crack the market wide open. Get the exposure you’ve been dreaming about, and let the world discover everything about you.

Note: Unfortunately, I misspelled the word “ad”. Click here for my apology.