Author Archives

Tippy Gnu

I chase unicorns and post them on my blog. I also accept donated unicorns. And when I still don’t have enough unicorns to post, I steal them from unsuspecting celebrities, in the form of stolen quotes. Then I let my followers do whatever the hell they want, with these unicorns I post. Come join the fun, and together we’ll chase unicorns!

Home Repair

You can do anything with one of these.

Most home repair jobs can be handled without hiring professional help. All it requires is a certain attitude. First you have to believe in your ability to accomplish a somewhat complex task. You must also be willing to risk making a problem worse rather than better, because that will occasionally happen. Though it’s rare. And you must maintain a level head, so that you can assess the repair situation, and any contingencies that may arise, in a logical, common sense manner.

For example, our bathroom had a minor plumbing issue. Water would leak out the faucet handles of the shower whenever the faucets were opened. No big deal, but after a while I got tired of it and decided to fix this problem.

I logically and correctly assessed that the compression washers and valve seats in the faucet valve stems required replacement. Pretty easy job. And I’d done this before, so I knew how to fix it.

I started with the hot water side, on the left. I got the old faucet seat out with a bit of a yank (it was in there pretty tight). Then I put the pipe dope on the new one, and confidently inserted it into the pipe head and turned the nifty little seat wrench I had just purchased from Home Depot.

But it wouldn’t thread into place. I tried and tried for about 15 minutes, but I just couldn’t seem to get it onto the pipe threads in the exact proper position, so that it would start to screw in.

It’s a must to remain level-headed and logical in these situations. So I attempted to keep my cool while assessing the situation.

The shower wall on the left, and the cold water faucet handle on the right were complicating things, because they were getting in the way of my seat wrench, forcing me to go about a third of a turn, then pull the seat wrench out, reposition it, and put it back in.

This short turning radius was frustrating. But after I calmed down and my hands stopped trembling, I decided I’d have to pull the cold water faucet out, so that I could get close to a full 360 degree revolving bite on the seat wrench, and get that dilly of a faucet seat threaded into place.

But the screw on the faucet handle was frozen. I struggled with it, while a few feelings of apoplexy kind of popped through my skull. Finally, after several cerebral hemorrages, I stripped the head of the fucking screw. So then I had to spend the next goddamned hour drilling the asshole screw out, and ruining the friggin’ valve stem in the process.

But after much drilling and swearing I finally got the muther-fucking stubborn, shithead, ass-wad valve stem out, and at last had a nearly full circular muther-fucking swing available for installing the goddamned, muther-ass, stupid, pissy-assed-bastard hot water side faucet seat.

With this near full-freedom swing, blazing eyes, and a breath of desperate hope in my flaring nostrils, I attempted to thread this shitty-ass faucet seat one more fucking time. But wouldn’t you know? I still couldn’t get the cocksucking, ballbusting, jackass, stupid, damned son-of-a-bitch to go in!!!

I stormed away. Stomped into my bedroom. Closed (slammed) the door. Slapped my head a bunch of times. Called every plumber who ever invented plumbing a dumb-assed mother-fucking son-of-a-bitch.

But after a bit I finally calmed down. And then an idea occurred to me. What would happen if I tried turning the seat wrench clockwise, rather than counter-clockwise?

So I gave that little ingenious trick a try.

Instant success.

And so you see, I can handle home repair jobs. I don’t need professional help.

About My Somewhat Free Book

Click the Unikonics book cover image above, to skip the nonsense below, and go directly to my book.

I’ve written a book called Unikonics. This book won’t cost you any money, but it will cost you some time. So it’s somewhat free, but not entirely. It’s only 18,000 words, but if you’re a slow reader like me it will require about three hours of your life to complete.

I first wrote this philosophy and self-help book in 2014, and true to self-help form, self-published it on Amazon. I can count on the fingers of one finger how many copies it sold. And that poor bastard who paid 99 cents for it must be kicking himself, because now I’m giving it away free.

I recently had a very boring experience. I was called in for jury duty and had to sit around for hours in a courtroom, waiting for some lawyers to not pick me for a trial. I handled the monotony by bringing along a copy of Unikonics. I hadn’t read it in years so it was sort of fresh material for me. And as I read I realized that, hey, this book might actually be kind of interesting if I made a few revisions here and there.

And so I did, and now I offer it for your consumption. Or at least, I think it might make good blog filler.

The original Unikonics was such a failure that I decided to make a joke of it in 2016, by starting this blog called Chasing Unicorns. The joke being on us writers. We know from experience that catching fame and fortune from our works is about as elusive as catching a unicorn.

Unikonics is derived from the word “unique”. It’s a philosophy about life and change, and how the most unique changes can help us to get the most life out of life. But this blog, Chasing Unicorns, is a devolvement from Unikonics into something a little less dry and hopefully a little more fun. I’ve tried to use this blog to show that chasing after anything unique is where the fun is, whether we pursue elusive things, like fame and fortune, or more catchable unicorns, such as a hike in the wilderness.

It’s been over two-and-a-half years since I started this blog, and up to this date I’ve made no mention of my Unikonics book. I wanted to avoid boring you. Besides, Unikonics is a philosophy, and philosophy can easily come across as tedious or proselytizing.

I wanted to have fun, rather than preach gospel to deaf ears. And so I put the philosophy of Unikonics into action, by trying to keep my posts as unique and enjoyable as possible, without mentioning the skeletal structure that supported my thinking behind my posts.

I even made light of my philosophy by turning it into unicorns, and equating my pursuit of unique experiences to chasing unicorns. And I changed the name of the philosophy from Unikonics to Unicorniks. Because it sounds corny. And it sounds like unicorns. And I just wanted to have fun, and wanted you to have fun also. I still do. Because no philosophy is worth anything if you can’t have fun with it, or make fun of it.

But I do also take the philosophy seriously. I love Unikonics. It colors my life with rich variety, attracts the needle in my compass, and takes the sting out of empty existence, by giving my life meaning. It may not be for everyone, but it’s just right for me. And I hope that the dude who paid 99 cents for it at least got his money’s worth.

Philosophy is personal, and so is our journey through life. I want you to be as free as me, so I’ll never pressure you or expect you to read my book. But just know it’s here for your perusing in case one day you’re so overcome with boredom that you’ll do anything for relief.

The way to read Unikonics is to click any word in this post that says “Unikonics” in bold blue. Or you can click on the image of the book cover, found at the top of this post or on the front page of this blog. This will open a PDF file that is the book. You can then start reading right away, or you can download the PDF file and consume the 18,000 words at your leisure.

Unikonics was recently published at obooko.com, which is a website that offers free electronic books. So another way to read this book is to download it in Kindle, E-pub, or PDF format from the obooko.com website, by clicking this link: https://www.obooko.com/free-mind-body-and-spirituality-books/unikonics. You have to sign up as an obooko member to obtain the download. But membership costs nothing and entitles you to free downloads of any of the wide variety of books they offer in their collection.

I’ve released most of my rights to Unikonics under a Creative Commons BY-ND 4.0 License. This gives you the freedom to distribute it to anyone you want, or even sell it for profit (who knows, maybe you can make more money from it than me). You just have to give me attribution (so I can achieve the fame I so desperately desire). And you’re not allowed to modify it (though you’re free to write your own book about Unikonics, using your own words, and own name as the author). And there are a few other rules, so obscure that most people don’t have to worry about them.

But in case you’re wondering about those rules, the following is a link to the legal code of the license: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/4.0/legalcode.

Yet Another Book From a Blogger

I’ve created a time drain. A book. Just what you need, right? Yet another book from a blogger.

All books are time drains. [Photo by icon0.com on Pexels.com]

All books are time drains, and most are not worth any drained time reading. That’s why you and I haven’t bothered to read most of the books of this world. Hell, we’ve got better things to do.

I don’t like to waste people’s time, so my book is small. It’s about a three-hour read if you’re a slow reader like me. But that’s still three hours of your precious time. So I’m not going to ask you to read it at all.

But I am going to offer it. And if you’re feeling bored enough or curious enough, and all the little tasks and chores you have to do in your day are complete, and you’re just sitting around wondering what the heck to do, you’re free to give my book a go.

And you may be pleased to know that my book costs nothing. I wrote this book about four years ago and tried to sell it for 99-cents a pop as an Amazon Kindle publication. I believe I sold one copy. Or maybe I’m exaggerating.

Recently I made a few small revisions, and then decided to offer it for free. I figure if I can’t get rich, at least maybe I can get famous. My book will be available as a free pdf download, right here on this blog.

But books are great intrusions into the time of others, so like I say, I’m not asking you to read it. Nor do I expect you to. Not even if you’re my best blogging buddy. In fact especially not, in that case.

I’m sorry for this apologia, but a book is nothing to be proud of. A book is at worst a fraud and at best a deeper expression of one’s inner being than one feels comfortable exhibiting. Most books are somewhere in between. I’ve tried to brave discomfort and keep this book as pure as possible, but I suspect at least a little fraud may have been smuggled in by my bashful subconscious. And that will be to your detriment and waste of time.

But I hope the pure elements will outweigh the adulterated, to make this read an overall benefit for you, should you decide to invest a piece of your life into perusing it.

The book will be unveiled soon. I wouldn’t be worth anything as an author if I couldn’t create some sense of suspense. So I won’t be telling you anything more about it until the unveiling. Now please, stop your yawning. You’re just going to have to wait a little while.

Give me a couple of days to iron out a few details. And then I’ll make the big announcement. That’s when you can wake up and, if you’re in the mood . . .

read my book.

Unicorn Noodles

Our unicorn today comes from nrhatch, at https://nrhatch.wordpress.com/. Her blog seems to be about self-help and humor. So if you need help (and don’t we all), or you need a good laugh, click on over and check it out.

I’m not sure if this thing she beamed me is really a unicorn. It looks suspiciously like a one-horned goat. It consists of a short, explanatory blurb, followed by a link. Boy you talk about lazy. But that’s just it, I’m not one to talk.

So I’ll go ahead and give it a shot. This time. If it works out okay, then fine. Otherwise I’m gonna have to raise my unicorn-identifying standards.

Go ahead and give it a read (won’t take long), and decide for yourself. Is this a unicorn, or have I lost my noodle?


Scientists have discovered why spaghetti noodles don’t break cleanly in two pieces.

And not just any scientists.
We are talking Nobel Prize Winning Scientists.

These are scientists who really know how to use their noodles!

To read more:  https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2018/08/16/spaghetti-mystery-solved-scientists-cleanly-break-noodles-two/1007914002/

A Unicorn for the Books

Cranky Pants discovered a unicorn in a park the other day, in the form of a unique book. She wants to tell us all about it, though I promise her tale won’t be as long as a book. You can follow Mrs. Pants at: https://crankypants2.wordpress.com/. Here is her unicorn story:


Walking a Book on a Leash

So I was in our local conservation area today getting ready to walk the dog with my Hubby. Or is that walk the Hubby with my dog? I’m not sure. Anyway…

As we were getting out of our truck a gentleman was walking by with his two kids. He had a book on a leash and was walking it as though it was a pet.

My first thought was, “What the?”

Said gentleman stopped to chat with my dog..Ah ahem, I mean my Hubby. He showed my Hubby the book. It was a book with all sorts of fun activities written in it to do with his kids. Walking the book on a leash was one of the activities in the book. I’m assuming the kids came up with some of them.

We joked about how walking a book would be much easier then walking our dog (or my Hubby). They wouldn’t have to clean up after a book, or worry about it barking. The kids thought that was funny.

Later we saw the same family and they were playing hide and seek. Not with the book, but with their kids as the kids gripped that book of love and laughed so hard.

Never in a million years would I have ever thought I’d see a dude walking a book on a leash but…It sure was wonderful, to see a father and later their mother spending so much time, and having so much fun with their kids.

It made my heart happy.

CrankyPants

Baptist Choir Sings for Fourteen Hours Straight During Standoff with Calvinistic Pastor

Today our unicorn is a unique news story from the Nowhere Tribune, at https://nowheretribune.wordpress.com/. If you want a barrel of laughs with every post, click on over and follow this hilarious blog.

Although the Nowhere Tribune claims this is a sickly unicorn, it seems perfectly healthy to me. That’s because it’s very unique, and uniqueness is the only requirement to be a unicorn in good health. But even though it’s healthy, I suspect by the end of the day we unicorn chasers can do a good job of killing and eating it, with our commentary. Thanks for the submission, NT.


If you don’t like this one, I have one that I think is actually good; I’m just being selfish and sending you the sickly unicorn that I don’t care to feed.

Baptist Choir Sings for Fourteen Hours Straight During Standoff with Calvinistic Pastor

ATHENS, TX—According to local sources, the choir at Second Missionary Baptist Church in Athens sang “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus” for fourteen hours straight after the sermon Sunday, resulting in one member being rushed to the emergency room with a ruptured bladder, and another checking into the Athens Psychiatric Ward.

The extended invitation was in direct response to the church’s new Calvinistic pastor, John Owens, and his disdain for gospel music and evangelism.

Owens, a twenty-six-year-old graduate of Reformed Theological Seminary (RTS) in Orlando, dressed in vintage New Balance sneakers, skinny jeans, and a “Charles Spurgeon is my Homeboy” T-shirt, was willing to speak to us from his apartment yesterday.

“Why am I opposed to long invitations? It’s partly theological. I do believe it’s my job to present the gospel, but God’s job to draw sinners to Him. So, the long invitation is an unnecessary tradition that, in a sense, denies the doctrine of election. But also, yesterday I just really needed to pee.”

Eye witnesses say that when Pastor Owens announced that members would be dismissed after a short prayer and without an invitational hymn, veteran song leader Isaac Watts was visibly irritated.

“Brother Isaac spends hours and hours each week preparing the music for Sunday. It’s his ministry to bless others through song,” said a choir member who didn’t wish to be named. “He had a right to be irritated, and he was right to follow the Lord’s leading in having us sing for fourteen hours, although I couldn’t speak at all the next day, nor could I perform my other church duties which require a healthy throat.”

Cynthia Stardust, a mother of three who was visiting with her husband and children, said they finally had to leave after six hours.

“I didn’t want to be rude, but my kids were hungry. Every time the choir started to wind down and the pastor stood to dismiss us, another crying old lady walked forward and fell on the altar to pray, and the choir started over. It got a little awkward.”

“A little awkward my ass,” said her husband John. “I’ll take my chances that hell won’t be as bad as those six hours.”

The power struggle has not been settled as of press time today; we learned just hours ago that several older female members are guarding the church library, armed with Bibles and garden implements, after learning that the pastor planned to replace the Joyce Meyer Bible study material with John Calvin’s Commentaries, and children’s church workers have chained themselves to the giraffe legs of the Noah’s Ark exhibition in the nursery after hearing that children would be attending regular services with the adults this Wednesday.

Sleeping Unicorns

Our unicorn today comes from Cranky Pants, in the form of a unique question. Cranky Pants suffers from autoimmune disease. That’s why she’s so cranky. And she wears pants.

Her blog, at https://crankypants2.wordpress.com/, complains about the unique challenges she and others face with autoimmune disease. And she also rants about her many difficulties trying to get effective medical care, from a screwed up and sometimes skeptical medical system.

Cranky, we hope they find a cure for your malady, one day. We’d like to see you in a better mood.

Mrs. Pants crankily asks us the following unique question:

“Why is it called beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a troll?”

I don’t have that problem. I always take a pretty pill before going to bed. But if you have a unique answer, response, or perhaps allergic reaction to Cranky Pants’ question, we want to hear about it. Please leave your fun, exciting, and unique comment below.

Gibber Bags the First Unicorn

Our very first unicorn comes from Gibber Jabberin. Gibber, you’ve made history, and will forever be remembered as the first blogger to ever catch a unicorn!

Gibber is asking a unique question. Which is: “Why is it that it’s socially acceptable for men to be hairy but not women? What crazy person came up with this rule? How can we change it?”

If you’re a veteran blogger you may remember Gibber Jabberin’s blog, which was called, uh, hmm . . . I just can’t remember the name of it. Anyhow, it was quite a bit like what I’m attempting now, on Chasing Unicorns.

Back in the day, you could submit a question to Gibber Jabberin, and then her followers would chip in with crazy, wack-a-doodle answers. Boy, she had some wild, free-wheeling commentary going on there, in her blogging heyday. It was great fun.

Then she got busy with a candle-making business and quit her blog. So we slapped her a few times, shook her, and said, “Gibber, what the hell! Get back to blogging! We miss you!” She finally relented, and she and I collaborated on a revival of Gibber Jabberin.

That only lasted a few months though, and then I got too busy to deal with it, and Gibber Jabberin closed down again.

So now what I’m trying to do is introduce a version of the Gibber Jabberin concept to Chasing Unicorns. I’m such a copycat, aren’t I? I guess I’m just too lazy to come up with something original. However, in the interest of uniqueness and unicorns, I’ve at least put a unique little twist on the concept.

Instead of limiting the forum to just questions and answers, I’ve expanded it to include much more than that. Now you can submit anything unique, such as a unique observation, unique opinion, unique experience, unique life situation, or anything else. Just as long as it’s unique.

For example, we don’t want to hear that you ate a bowl of cold cereal for breakfast this morning. That’s just too damn mundane and boring. But if you noticed fly larvae in your spoon of Wheaties, while lifting it to your wide-open mouth, then we definitely want to hear about it. That would be frickin’ unique (I hope), and I’m sure we could all have fun commenting about it.

Okay, I hope that’s all clear. Now, let’s get back to Gibber Jabberin’s unicorn. It happens to be a unique question. Why, Gibber, why? Don’t you understand that it doesn’t have to be a question anymore? Oh well, maybe you can’t teach an old blog new tricks.

But alright, there’s our unicorn for the day. A unique question from Gibber Jabberin which, in case you’ve forgotten after this long-winded spiel, is in the 2nd paragraph of this post.

Now it’s your turn to come up with unique answers, observations, or other unique comments related to Gibber’s question. Don’t hold back. We’re itching to hear from you. Or maybe those are fleas.

Please leave your comments below, and let’s have some fun!

Business As Snoozual

In yesterday’s post I hinted that some changes were in the works for Chasing Unicorns. Yessirree there are. Because I’m not a business-as-usual kind of guy. Nosirree.

But I hope I didn’t leave you with the wrong impression about me. I do like change, this is true. Change is wonderful. I love the refreshing novelty of doing something new. But what I don’t like is having to work hard to achieve change. That’s because I’m a business-as-snoozual kind of guy.

This is me, trying to dream up a new post.

I want to rest and relax and let other people achieve change for me. I want to enjoy all the neat, new things people provide. As long as they don’t disturb my nap. That would be anathema. (And you know what anathema means, don’t you Just Joan 42?)

They say the smartest people are the laziest. That’s because they come up with all kinds of ingenious ways to get out of work. So, lazy as I am, I put on my thinking cap the other day and tried real hard to be smart. It hurt. Thinking is not a practice I approach lightly. I don’t allow myself to think this hard except maybe two or three times per year.

But ala kazam and zippedy doo! What do you know? A 14-watt, LED 100-watt equivalent light bulb switched on above my head. I got an idea!

My idea is to let my followers help me out with my blog.

My blog is about chasing unicorns. Unicorn is code for unique. So the purpose of my blog is to chase after uniqueness.

That’s why my posts tend to be eclectic. One day I might post about fabric softener. Some other day I might post about Trump, or a national park I visited, or something historical. I aim for variety. I try to keep my posts unique, just like a unicorn is unique.

And when my lazy, lame brain can’t come up with anything unique, I steal a unique quote from some unsuspecting celebrity.

Uniqueness is all a part of change. The more change we experience, the more uniqueness we experience. This is where you, my followers, come into my brilliant, 14-watt, LED 100-watt equivalent idea. You can provide change to my blog by submitting unique things, that I will post for you.

For instance, if you have a unique question, or a unique idea, or maybe you’re in a unique situation, you can submit it to Chasing Unicorns. Or let’s say you’ve had a unique experience, or you recently learned something unique. Or whatever the heck it is, as long as it’s unique, you can submit it to this blog.

I’ll post it for you. And I’ll even post a link to your blog, to give you some free advertisement. Then the rest of us can look at the “unicorn” you sent me, and make smart-ass wise-ass dumb-ass unique comments about it. In this way, we’ll be creating more unicorns, with our comments.

There will be no rules, except the ones I make up as we go along. And I’d rather not make up any because I’m too lazy to enforce rules. So please try to keep it halfway civilized.

This I think, could be a perfect plan. Just let my wacky, nutty, crazy followers write my blog for me. What could possibly go wrong?

There are two new pages at the top of this blog that explain the whole unicorn submission process in detail. The page entitled, What’s a Unicorn? will hopefully give you a better idea of how I define a unicorn. And the page entitled, Unicorn Teleporting Pod will explain how to transport your unicorn to my blog.

But if you’re as lazy as me, and don’t want to read those pages, I’ll make it real simple, right here. Just send your unicorn to the following email address:

And I’ll take it from there.

Alright, enough of this chit-chat. It’s time for my nap, and it’s time for you to start chasing unicorns. Get on out there and catch some one-horned beasts for me, and teleport them in. Hopefully the fun can begin tomorrow, with a brand new, unique post from a follower.

I’m really looking forward to the changes you add to my blog. But as for now I’m feeling sleepy. So it’s time for me to get right down to some business.

Business as snoozual.

Movin’ On Up

Chasing Unicorns is movin’ on up. I’ve upgraded to WordPress’s Premium Plan.

After eight years of freeriding off WordPress, and four or five or six different blogs—heck I can’t even count them all—I’ve finally stumbled into a blog that I’ve stuck with longer than it takes snow to melt from a hot pile of manure.

For some reason Chasing Unicorns has grown on me, and I think I’m going to keep it around a while. So why not reward this blog, and my loyal followers, by bedizening it with an upgrade?

The Premium Plan costs $96 a year. I’ve felt a little skeptical about what I could get from prying my wallet open that wide, and that’s one thing that was holding me back.

But so far it seems worth the dough. One of my favorite things is the unlimited Premium themes. These themes, that you have to pay for, seem to come with more versatility and better artistic design.

I opted for the Broadsheet theme. It’s priced at $79 for those with the Free or Personal Plan. But it’s nothing extra when you’re a Premium Plan subscriber.

I love the Advanced Design Customization. You can tweak the hell out of your theme, and come up with all kinds of unique designs. In fact, I’ve tweaked my Broadsheet theme so much, you’d swear I was a meth head.

I also got a new domain name. Now my blog can be found under two domains–the one I’ve had all along, and a new one with “wordpress” removed. And so now you can find me at https://unicorniks.com, as well as https://unicorniks.wordpress.com. It ain’t no big deal, just snob value, really. But somehow it seems to add legitimacy to a website. By the way, you can also get this feature with the Personal Plan, which only costs $48 per year.

I get 13GB of storage space also, as opposed to the 4GB that comes with the Free Plan. This helps me relax. I use a lot of photos and have been getting worried about bumping up against my top limit.

Something that puzzles me is that I’m now paying for “Advanced Social Media”. This allows me to schedule my social media posts in advance. Hmm, I’ve been able to do that all along, with the Free Plan. Has WordPress just not noticed, and let me get away with something? Or has WordPress hoped I wouldn’t notice that I’ve had this feature all along, and they think they’re the ones getting away with something?

All in all, I’m very happy with the upgrade. And I hope you will be too.

And now that Chasing Unicorns is upgraded, it’s also going to change directions a little. Sometimes you have to zig, zag, and jink around to catch more unicorns. This change is still in the works, but I think I’ll be introducing it very soon.

Thank you from the calcified chambers of my heart for following me. I hope you’ll enjoy the new flavor of my blog.

Please stay tuned, and always keep up the chase!