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Tippy Gnu

I chase unicorns and post them on my blog. I also accept donated unicorns. And when I still don’t have enough unicorns to post, I steal them from unsuspecting celebrities, in the form of stolen quotes. Then I let my followers do whatever the hell they want, with these unicorns I post. Come join the fun, and together we’ll chase unicorns!

The Grid

My hermitage about 10 years after I sold it. Years ago, it was razed and a modern house built over the site. Kind of symbolic.

My hermitage about 10 years after I sold it. Years ago, it was razed and a modern house built over the site. Kind of symbolic.

I could have been penpals with Ted Kaczynski. At the same time the Unabomber intrigued against modern civilization while holed up in a remote Montana cabin, I too isolated myself from civilization in a remote cabin. And while Ted’s activities were of the “underground” nature, so were mine. Literally.

That’s because my cabin was built underground. Well, mostly. As you can see from the photo, it was a log cabin dugout, with a roof that protruded a few feet above ground.

I resided with scorpions in the walls and rattlesnakes under the eaves. I held out against modern society for as long as I could, in this fastness of mine, beneath the desert floor. But at least I didn’t hate modernity as much as Ted, who got the lame-brained idea of mailing bombs to those at the forefront of technological progress.

Ted Kaczynski after his capture in 1996.

Ted Kaczynski after his capture in 1996.

These days they call what Ted and I did, “living off the grid.” But Ted wanted to do more. He wanted to get rid of the grid. That was not very brainy, especially from an erstwhile university professor. Ted grossly underestimated the scope and power of the grid.

There are all kinds of grids. There’s the electric grid, for instance. And some say if you put up solar panels, you are going off the grid. “Bushwa!” Ted would scoff, I’m sure. Because there’s also the water grid, which supplies you when you turn on the tap. There’s the internet grid, the highway grid, the grocery grid, and a whole gridiron full of grids.

A grid is any kind of modern system that supplies the masses with their wants and needs. And the grid is the insanely complex structure of modern civilization that you get when you overlay and interconnect all grids together.

It’s pretty hard to rid yourself entirely of the grid. For example, I didn’t like shooting wild critters. So I became addicted to the grocery grid. And Ted relied upon the postal grid to deliver his special packages to his victims. I wonder how thoroughly Ted pondered over that.

Things got pretty lonely for me out there on the gridless Mojave. Also my bank account was dissipating into dust. So after a few years, I sold my cabin and decamped back to civilization. I’ve been deeply embedded in the grid ever since.

I’ve learned that the grid is not the reified monster that Ted and I imagined it to be, so many years ago. Nor is it heaven on earth, as boosterish promoters of modern living might have us believe. The grid is actually just people. It’s the folks who keep the juice turned on, the water flowing, the trucks rolling, and the comestibles and consumables selling at the market. It never works perfectly, because people aren’t perfect. But with all its kludgy intricacies, somehow it usually comes through for us.

People can live cold, isolated lives in the middle of this great grid, not fully appreciating the value they receive from their neighbors and community, nor even the value they contribute back. Whether we realize it or not, we need each other very much.

The grid is very human. We are the grid.

Donald Who?

2 Out of 3 Lives Saved, at We Care Line!

2 Out of 3 Lives Saved, at We Care Line!

Ring! It was my turn to pick up the phone at the suicide prevention hotline, where I volunteer.

Me: “We-Care Line. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’m calling from the Make America Great Again campaign. I’d like to speak with you about Donald Trump.”

We get these calls all the time during an election year. Usually they’re robocalls, but this one happened to be a real live human being.

Me: “Who? Donald Rump?”

Caller: “Trump. Donald Trump.”

Me: “Never heard of him. So what about him? Is he having a personal crisis right now?”

Caller: “No, not all. We’re calling to make sure you get out and vote for him in the primary, and encourage your friends to vote for him, too.”

Me: “So, this Donald . . . Grump . . .”

Caller: “Trump. TRump! Donald Trump. I can’t believe you’ve never heard of him. Everyone knows about Donald Trump.”

Me: “Trumpet. Gotcha. Used to play one in band when I was a high schooler. So, tell me. Why should I vote for him, and what’s he running for?”

Caller: “He’s going to make America great again. And he’s running for president.”

Me: “You know what else is great?”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “God. God is great.”

Caller: “Oh yeah, yeah, sure. God is great. And Grump, I mean Trump, is gonna make America great again too, just like God.”

Me: “God is great.”

Caller: “Yes sir, I know. Now can I count on you to support Gonald Dump. I mean Donald Trump?”

Me: “Perhaps. But first I want you to chant with me. Chant: God is great. God is great. God is great.”

Caller: “God is great. God is great. God is great.”

Me: “Allah akbar.”

Caller: Silence.

Me: “Allah akbar!”

Caller: “Uh, wait a second sir, are you Muslim?”

Me: “No. But that means God is great, in Arabic. You know, God is great in any language. So would you be willing to chant Allah akbar with me?”

Caller: “I think not.”

Me: “Then I won’t be voting for Ronald Dump, or whoever he is.”

Caller: “It’s Dronald Tump, I mean Donald Trump, and I can’t believe you’ve never heard of him!”

Me: “Sir, your voice is shaking. You seem upset.”

Caller: Sniffs. “I am kind of upset. I’m having a bad day. Do you realize how hard it is to call people all day long and ask them to vote for Gonald Ronald, or, ah shit, whatever his name is?”

Me: “Tell me about it. Tell me more.”

For the next fifteen minutes he poured his heart out to me. I listened carefully and then gave this poor man some wise counsel. I advised him that political activism is the most frustrating job you can ever take on. I told him that politics is very unpredictable, and that even if this Donald guy got elected, he’d probably do things differently than what his supporters were hoping he would do. That’s politics. It’s depressing, and it sets you up for disappointment.

By the time the call was over, I had convinced this poor soul to put the phone down, quit his volunteer job, and walk out of the Make America Great Again headquarters. I don’t know where he is, or what he’s doing right now, but I hope his new-found freedom from political activism will open bright, exciting doors to his future.

And then he can make his life great again.

Ahem! Excuse me.

Ling & Buttons02

Ahem! Excuse me, please. I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Tippy Gnu (pronounced Guh-new). This is my first official post, on my new blog, Chasing Unicorns.

I’m very excited about this new blog, and plan to post very frequently. At least once per hour. But I’m also extremely lazy, so it’s going to take a lot of self-discipline to keep up such a hectic posting pace.

I’ll try to keep my daily posts polished, well-researched, and credible. That way, once every other day you’ll be able to count on me to provide delicious provender for your mind.

When my weekly post appears on your reader, please take the time to read it, even if it seems to be a first draft. I’m a busy guy and take lots of naps. I don’t always have time to ensure that my subjects have preceded my predicates, and all that other sentence-structure folderol.

Besides, you’ll only be hearing from me once a month. It takes a while for me to do the legal research required to ensure I don’t get sued for some of the lies facts I want to tell.

Now, when my annual post comes rolling up your reader, please peruse it carefully and submit a thoughtful comment. I really want to hear from you. Even if it’s just a smart-ass remark you want to make. Your thoughts mean the world to me. Yawn. I promise you I’ll have something snarky and mordant sophisticated and considerate to say in response.

So, I encourage you to follow my blog, read my post that will eventually arrive, and then engage me in smart-alecky comment repartee.

I promise it will be a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Don’t Look

Please don’t look at this blog. It’s still under development.

Okay, okay, so I can’t stop you from looking. But please don’t tell anyone about it, until I officially launch it. The official launch date is projected to be somewhere around February 1st.

Until then, I’ve got my thinking cap on, trying to think up my first post. In fact, I’ve already thunk real hard on it, and have some ideas.

It’s gonna be great, as Donald Trump always says. You’re gonna love my first post. And I’m going to make Mexico pay for it.

See you Feb 1st!