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Tippy Gnu

I chase unicorns and post them on my blog. I also accept donated unicorns. And when I still don’t have enough unicorns to post, I steal them from unsuspecting celebrities, in the form of stolen quotes. Then I let my followers do whatever the hell they want, with these unicorns I post. Come join the fun, and together we’ll chase unicorns!

Coffee Is Poison

Seems everyone drinks coffee except Mormons and Seventh-Day Adventists. I’m not a religious man, but I think those Morvantists have got it right. Coffee is poison. And an abomination.

My wife is addicted to coffee. When she wakes up to start the day, she never says to me, “Good morning.” And if I initiate by saying, “Good morning,” to her, she replies with a scrunched-up scowl and screechy, “Fuck you!” And that’s because nothing civil is allowed to happen in our house until she’s had her morning cup of Joe.

She once threatened to divorce me if I ever spoke to her in the a.m. again, before her lips have touched coffee.

And that’s the sort of madness that is brought on by this black poison brewed by the billions, around the world. It’s no wonder we live on such a crazy planet. No wonder we have wars, disasters, and global warming. Coffee is the culprit. It makes people behave irrationally. It causes dysfunction and disrupts public safety. And all that percolating java every morning has got to be what is heating up our atmosphere and melting the polar icecaps.

I can’t count the many times people have told me they can’t function without their morning coffee. Really? Why have folks allowed themselves to sink so low as to be that desperately dependent upon this drug? And why let yourself be at the mercy of an industry that cares more for its profits than on your ability to be productive? If you get so destitute you can’t afford to buy coffee, they don’t care if you lose your job and end up sleeping in a gutter. If you don’t have any money, you just don’t get your fix, plain and simple.

Have you heard that Howard Schultz, the CEO of Starbucks, is plotting to destroy the world? He’s drank so much Espresso, it’s rewired the neurons in his brain, and turned him into a caffeine-crazed monster. The caffeine has tricked his brain into thinking he can run for president as an independent, and actually win. But what will really happen is that he will split the Democratic vote, and ensure a Trump reelection. And I doubt our planet can withstand another four years of comrade Trump in the White House.

Blame coffee. Coffee will be the death of us all.

Stop the madness! If you want to save yourself, and contribute to the salvation of our big, blue Earth, you must stop drinking big, black mugs of coffee. And you can do it if you put your mind to it. You can kick the coffee habit.

Sure, you may have to slap yourself around for a while, every morning, until your withdrawal symptoms recede. And you may get the shakes and shits and have to fight off the urge to commit mass murder. You may even have to check into a rehab clinic. But with self-discipline and determination, you can free yourself from the demon-pull of java juice.

Imagine how nice that would be. Think of the improvement you’ll realize in your relationships, including with your spouse. Consider all the money you’ll save. And reflect on how proud of yourself you’ll feel, knowing you’ve done your part to fight global warming and Trump reelection.

It won’t be easy for you to quit. So here’s a few motivational slogans to reflect upon, while fighting the urge:

• The best part of waking up is tapwater in your cup.
• You ban coffee, and have richness worth much more than a second cup.
• Fill yourself to the rim: Avoid Brim.
• Be good to your last drop, without one drop of coffee.
• You’ll be starved of bucks when you think work can wait.
• Juan Valdez is a drug dealer. The richest kind.
• A 100% Columbian never needs coffee.
• To be mountain grown, you must grow out of the coffee habit.
• Avoid coffee, and you’ll taste as good as you smell.

The sooner you kick the coffee habit, the better off you, and the whole world, will be. And you will never regret it.

Because coffee is poison.

Try watching this youtube video, for more motivation to quit the coffee habit:

Stolen Quote: Dying

I say to people who care for people who are dying, if you really love that person and want to help them, be with them when their end comes close. Sit with them. You don’t even have to talk. You don’t have to do anything but really be there with them. ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross


Whether someone is living or dying, there seems to be no good substitute for human presence.

Nazi Hunter Seeks Stone Certificate

I was surfing the computernet, when I ran across this curious news story:

Berlin (IP) – Nazi hunter Dreck Yeger, famed for bringing war criminals Dummkopf Scheisse and Hasslich Hintern to justice, has set his eyes on a new target. In a press briefing in front of the Holocaust Memorial on Sunday’s Holocaust Remembrance Day, Yeger announced he is seeking the birth certificate of embattled adviser to Trump, Roger Stone.

Yeger unveiled a shocking theory to a stunned crowd of reporters and admirers that hypothesizes Roger Stone might actually be the offspring of Nazi Germany propaganda minister, Joseph Goebbels.

The intrepid Nazi hunter believes Goebbels did not die from suicide, as we have read in history books, but actually fled Nazi Germany during the last days of the war, and found refuge in Argentina.

According to Yeger, Goebbels and his wife murdered their children with cyanide, in Hitler’s bunker. Of course we all know this. But then, states Yeger, instead of committing suicide with his wife, as history tells us, he shot her, and then shot a man who looked like him. Or perhaps it was a ferret. He then fled the country, leaving authorities to believe he was actually dead.

When he settled in Argentina, he assumed the surname of “Stone” and started a new life and new family. And in 1952, his son Roger was born, according to Yeger.

Yeger next described a family trip to Mexico, where they sneaked across the U.S. border by climbing over a wall. Or perhaps a steel fence.

“Growing up in the U.S.A.,” alleged Yeger, “Roger was closely mentored by his dad, Joe, and from him developed a keen interest in politics. Especially the politics of propaganda.”

At age 20, he dropped out of college and went to work for the 1972 re-election campaign of his idol, Richard Nixon. He seemed a natural, and after the campaign was recruited by other political candidates, such as Ronald Reagan and Donald Trump, to assist with their messaging.

Yeger claims Stone has been instrumental in many dirty political tricks since 1972, that hauntingly remind us of his alleged dad, Joseph Goebbels. These tricks have involved oft-repeated barefaced lies, race-baiting, and whistling at dogs. We suspect Yeger meant “dog whistles”, but lost something in the translation.

And now Yeger wants to see Stone’s birth certificate.

“Is he really a natural born U.S. citizen?” Yeger muttered with a heavy tone of suspicion, “or was he born in Argentina? Let’s see the birth certificate.”

Then Yeger held up photos of Goebbels and Stone, side-by-side, and pointed to what he claims to be a strong family resemblance.

Yeger challenged, “Examine these two faces carefully. Notice how they both resemble the face of a ferret? Long head, beady eyes, narrow nose, thin lips. And then there is the behavior of a ferret, and the personality of a ferret. How can these two not be related?”

Ferret

It’s a good question. Check out the photos and decide for yourself. But to really know for sure, maybe Dreck Yeger is right. We must see the birth certificate.

This has been real, fake news. Satire. Nuh-uh, didn’t really happen.

Mission La Purisima Concepcion

Mission La Purisima Concepcion was founded in 1787, near present-day Lompoc, California. It’s the only California mission that is not named after a saint. Rather, its name is a promotional for artificial insemination, the pure manner in which Jesus was conceived.

In year of grace 1800, a whistleblower named Father Horra accused the Franciscan padres of Mission La Purisima Concepcion of mistreating the natives. This set off a real pain-in-the-ass sequence of events, requiring bureaucratic paper shuffling and feigned concern. California Governor Borcia was required to investigate. He sent an inquiry to the Father of the mission, and required a written reply.

Mission La Purisima Concepcion is one of three missions owned by the State of California. The other 18 belong to the Catholic Church.

The written reply he received was historical, because it remains one of the few writings in existence that tell us about life at Mission La Purisima Concepcion.

The Father of the mission explained that the natives, whom he called neophytes, were all instructed in the principles of the Catholic religion, before being baptized. They were also taught to speak Castilian Spanish.

The State of California, and the National Park Service, has gone to great lengths to restore this mission as close to how it appeared 200 years ago, including this forerunner of the semi-tractor trailer truck.

They were fed a cornmeal dish called atole in the morning and evening, and for lunch they got pozole, which is a hominy dish, and which is almost homonymous with atole. They were allotted woolen blankets, and a set of clothing that was expected to last a full year. And they were housed in huts made of tules, similar to the kind of huts they lived in before the Spanish arrived. Yep, they lived way out there in the tules.

Today you can find the same farm and ranch animals at the mission that were raised by the missionaries, including this longhorn steer.

The workday of neophytes never exceeded five hours, and children, the old, the infirm, and the pregnant were all required to do at least a small amount of work. Even the fetuses were required to pitch in, even if it was just kicking a belly or tossing some water down a deep, dark chute.

Neophytes did not like working for the soldiers, because the soldiers overburdened them, or deprived them of necessities enjoyed by those at the mission. They were the real hardasses.

In 1804, the mission baptized 1,520 natives. About that same time, nearly 500 succumbed to outbreaks of smallpox and measles. I guess Jesus saveth, and Jesus taketh away.

The neophytes were punished if they left the mission furtively, especially at night. Other peccadillos the padres punished the neophytes for included concubinage and theft. Punishments for both sexes included whippings, shackles, stocks and being locked up. Crimes against the common good, such as killing cattle or sheep, or setting fire to pastures, were given to the corporal of the guard.

The main altar of the church. The mission was destroyed by a great earthquake in 1812 (along with a bunch of other missions). It was then relocated four miles away, and rebuilt. This church, and the rest of the mission buildings, were constructed with walls four-and-a-half feet thick, reinforced with stones, to withstand any future temblors.

The governor studied this written reply and concluded that the charges against the missionaries were unfounded. Apparently, whippings, shackles, and stocks did not fall under the rubric of “mistreatment” in those days. Or perhaps everyone at that time was into BDSM.

By the way, the natives were never asked for their own opinion on how they thought they were being treated. But what could those ignorant souls know?

I assume this is the tallow candle-making shop, and not some sick adult toy factory.

But in 1824, they finally did give their opinion. After years of whippings, shackles, and stocks, the natives at three missions, including Mission La Purisima Concepcion, rose up and went to war against the missionaries.

This appears to be a three-legged stool factory. After 1834, the mission was sold to some non-Mexican white dude, who let it continue to fall into ruins. Then, in 1903, he or his family, or whoever owned it after him, sold it to the Union Oil Company. The company realized the historical importance of the mission, and collaborated with the National Park Service to restore it to its original state. Just as you’d restore an old piece of furniture, I guess.

At La Purisima, a Chumash carpenter named Pacomio led the revolt. They ran off the padres, soldiers, and their families. 1,200 Chumash natives, including 400 warriors, occupied the mission compound. But after about a month of occupation, a detachment of 109 Mexican soldiers laid siege upon the mission.

As usual, the natives had no exit plan, so they decided to fight. They deployed musket fire, arrows, and a cannon, and the Mexicans matched them with the same, except the arrows. But the Mexicans were more skilled with the use of cannons. When the dust cleared, 16 natives had lost their lives, with many more wounded, while the Mexicans lost five soldiers, with many wounded.

The missionaries were good for the natives, instilling hard work as part of the warp and weft of their character.

The Chumash surrendered, marking the end of the bloodiest Native American uprising in California history. A tribunal was held by the Mexican Army, which resulted in the executions of seven of the rebels. Pacomio and three other leaders were sentenced to 10 years hard labor on a chain gang. Two of these leaders managed to escape and return to their tribe, but Pacomio and one other had to serve their sentence.

There were rules to follow at the mission, and those natives caught disobeying were really put through the mill.

But of course, these were good, wholesome lessons that were being taught to the natives, and were not mistreatment at all. And they learned their lessons well. After the rebellion, more and more of them abandoned the mission, seeking their own way with their newly smartened brains.

And with less and less natives attending to its welfare, Mission La Purisima Concepcion gradually fell into ruins.

Ye Olde Blacksmith Shop.

Today it stands rebuilt, and is considered the most authentically rebuilt of all the California missions. Visitors will find atavistic tools, a blacksmith shop, a tallow candle shop, a loom with real wool, and much more. It even sports real, live farm animals of the kind raised at the mission 200 years ago.

But the one thing not present are tortured natives. Today nobody works at the mission with striped backs or hobbled ankles. Eventually someone finally heard Father Horra and all those native rebels. And their own definition of mistreatment was wisely accepted.

Today Mission La Purisima Concepcion is a State Historical Monument, and is considered to be the most completely reconstructed of the 21 California Missions.