Climate-change activists have been scaring the shit out of us for years, foretelling the end of the world due to global warming, thawing icecaps, and vast shorelines across the world sinking into a maelstrom of rising ocean waves.

I think they want us to panic. Okay. I can do that, because I panic easily. It doesn’t take much to get me all worked up to the point where I’m building a bomb shelter, or hoarding all the food at the supermarket, or signing up for some doomsday wacko’s newsletter.

But I’ve learned from experience that before making any big decisions, it’s best to take a deep breath, lock myself in a soundproof chamber, and scream my head off for awhile. After that, I’m too exhausted to make a big decision.

And I’ve also learned the importance of fact-checking. So I did some research. First I went to a liberal website. Then I clicked over to a conservative website. I’ve discovered that all the knowledge in the world can be contained between two such websites.

Here’s what they had to say about climate change:

The global warming aficionados wrote the material for the liberals. They cite rising global temperatures, retreating glaciers, and about a seven-inch rise in sea levels over the past 100 years. And they claim that Greenland and Antarctica are losing 420 billion tons of ice annually. Which is about how much my wife uses in her drinks, every day during the summer. They blame it all on the burning of fossil fuels. And they scoff at anyone who disputes their opinions, while putting on a supercilious air of scientific superiority.

Those they scoff at are the climate-change skeptics, who incidentally, authored the conservative material. These skeptics cite a hiatus in global warming that occurred from 1998 to 2013. And they cite NOAA data demonstrating a slight cooling trend going on since 2015, indicating yet another hiatus. They also complain of shifting goalposts, showing how predicted points of no return have come and gone, only to be repeatedly extended out into the future. And they express condescending pity for climate-change believers, whom they regard as naive victims of a scam or conspiracy.

Gads! I had a headache from all this conflicting information. So I got in my minivan, rolled down the windows, and drove about a hundred miles to get some fresh air.

Driving helps me to think. And suddenly, while speeding through a small town, a splendid idea knocked me in the head. Or did I hit a pedestrian? Not sure. But my idea was to go straight to the alarm. I mean, straight to the climate-change activists who were sounding the alarm. Or was the alarm really a siren behind me? Again, not sure.

Since climate-change activists are activists, they engage in actions. And actions speak louder than words. So I decided to disregard their arguments and study their actions.

One of our highest ranking climate-change activists is former Secretary of State John F. Kerry (JFK). President Biden appointed him to be our climate envoy, so he could fly all around the world in his private jet, spewing God-knows-how-much carbon dioxide into the air, in order to find ways to combat climate change.

In 2017, JFK purchased a waterfront mansion on Martha’s Vineyard for $12 million. Great Godfrey! That’s one expensive beach house! And what a risky investment, given all the news that the ocean level is rising. Why, you’d think Kerry would be more judicious, and buy a mountain chateau instead, far inland from the ravages of rising sea levels. But perhaps he’s gambling that only the other oceans will rise, and not the Atlantic.

And how about the man who appointed him to be our climate czar? President Joe Biden bought a beach house in 2017 for $2.74 million. Situated in the town of Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, it’s only a few feet above sea level. No joke! He apparently isn’t afraid that the eustasy of the sea may submerge him.

One of former President Barack Obama’s proudest achievements was the Paris Agreement, that committed nearly all nations to fight against climate change. But in 2015 he invested $9 million in a beachfront home in Hawaii. Hey, shouldn’t that be kapu?! And like JFK, he also has a beach house on Martha’s Vineyard, that cost him $12 million in 2019.

Bill Gates has jumped on his keyboard, warning the world about climate change, rising ocean levels, and disappearing beaches. But in 2020 he fished $43 million from his pocket, to buy a beachfront home in Del Mar, California. I’ll bet it has plenty of windows.

Mark Zuckerberg has been an outspoken activist about climate change, and has even censored posts on Facebook that he deems to be “climate misinformation.” And yet he recently plopped over $100 million down, on beachfront property in Hawaii. Have you ever meta hypocrite as big as him?

Many celebrities have also blared warnings about climate change, yet they also own big, expensive beach houses. These include Leonardo DiCaprio, Barbara Streisand, Courtney Cox, Cindy Crawford, Celine Dion, George Lucas, Lady Gaga, and Bon Jovi.

Well, hell! Son of a beach!

This is all I need to know. Don’t get me wrong, I take climate change seriously. But what I’ve been trying to figure out is just how concerned to be about it. Is it time to hit the panic button?

No, now I understand. When I consider climate change, I will treat it with just as much urgency as John Kerry, Joe Biden, Barack Obama, or any other climate-change activist treats it, whenever they dump a ton of money on the purchase of a beach house.

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