A Smartass Post

10 Dieting Tips

I’ve always been a natural bag of bones; the kind of guy who can eat all he wants and remain skinny as a scarecrow. That is until one day when I stepped on a scale and noticed my weight had skyrocketed ten pounds.

I tried to ignore it, hoping it would go away. It didn’t. Instead I gained another four pounds. So I cut back a little on my eating. It still didn’t go away, but at least it stopped getting worse.

One day I looked in the mirror and noticed a dimply texture on my thighs. In a panic, I showed my wife. She reassured me that this unusual, cuppy terrain on my skin was a harmless phenomenon called cellulite.

Cellulite?! What the hell! Cellulite is what happens to fat people. Not me! Sigh.

Finally I saw a doctor. He ran a blood test, which revealed that I was prediabetic, with a higher than normal average blood-sugar level. Prediabetes puts a person at increased risk for developing Type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and stroke. You know, fat people diseases. I was getting fat, and my life span was dissipating with each forkful of food I was shoving into my mouth.

The good news was that prediabetes is very reversible. All it required of me was to go on a diet and lose some weight. Ah, no problem, I thought. What could be easier than eating less food? Before this problem developed, eating food had been a chore for me. I had to eat lots and lots of food, all the time, just to maintain a normal weight.

One of the world’s first dietitians was a Scottish physician named George Cheyne, who lived from 1672-1743. He lost a tremendous amount of weight by going on a milk and vegetables diet, and then farting his fat away. His book, An Essay of Health and Long Life, popularized lacto-vegetarianism.

I used to wonder why fat people had problems with dieting. After all, look at all the time dieting saves, from not eating. And look at all the money it saves at the grocery store.

So, with the insouciance of an amateur faster, I embarked upon a calorie-counting diet, cutting back my intake to less than 1,500 calories per day. And I learned much from this experience. In fact, I learned so much that I am now an expert. So I’d like to pass along these 10 expert dieting tips:

Tip #1: Only weigh yourself weekly. Never daily. But if your curiosity is too much, and you must weigh daily, then the best time to weigh each day is the first thing in the morning immediately after using the bathroom. In fact, you may even want to weigh multiple times per day, after each occasion that you use the bathroom. Be sure to shed all your clothes before stepping on the scale. And use lotion to avoid chafing the skin, from all the times you’ll be taking off and putting on your clothing throughout the day. Ah hell, just go naked all day.

Tip #2: When you stand on a scale, suck your belly in. This won’t reduce your weight, but it will help you to see the numbers.

Tip #3: When you stand on the scale, it’s helpful to rest one foot lightly on the floor.

Tip #4: You can continue to eat sweets and fats, as long as you count the calories. Note: Sweets and fats are highly concentrated with calories, so I keep a calculator handy, with scientific notation capabilities.

Tip #5: Exercise burns calories, and walking is a highly-recommended exercise. So eat smaller snacks. This will require you to walk to the kitchen more frequently.

Tip #6: Never tell anyone you’re on a diet. They will turn into the food police, forcing you to become very sneaky.

Tip #7: Avoid being too rigid. Relax and make exceptions to your diet for special occasions, such as birthdays, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Halloween, bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs, any and all Catholic holidays, family reunions of two people or more, and the celebration of any good news.

Tip #8: Avoid stress, as this can trigger hunger. I’ve found that eating jelly beans from a large, glass jar, creates a soothing sensation that prevents a lot of stress.

Tip #9: Watch The Food Channel for hours on end. This is called “fooderbating.” Fantasizing about food can safely substitute for the real thing, at least until you can no longer stand it.

Tip #10: Join a diet club. If you gain one or two pounds over the week, you’ll feel much better about yourself when you know someone who’s gained five.

I hope these tips help you. I really have become a dieting expert, haven’t I?

Categories: A Smartass Post

53 replies »

  1. Well done, Tippy, I especially liked #3 and #7. You lucked out early in life; I was never a skinny person who had to fight to maintain my weight. Around the age of 28, I suddenly weighed 10 lbs more than I always had. At 38, there was another (larger) jump. Then it became something that happened every year or two, rather than every decade. Thanks for the tips. For 2.5 seconds, I thought you were being serious. Then I read on and realized how preposterous that was. A warm welcome to ChubbyVille–a too short distance from FatLand and ObeCity.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Heh-heh, yeah, ObeCity seems to be the final destination if we’re not careful. Food can be so addictive that it’s hard to stay on the strait and narrow, when it comes to dieting.


  2. Excellent! Like they say, “diet and exercise.”
    I skipped breakfast before going out for a full-distance run this morning. And since a pre-shower weighing confirmed the liter I sweated off, I’m now celebrating with an entire tub of double chocolate ice cream!

    Liked by 2 people

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