Humor

I’m a Financial Genius

I’m quite clever with money. But my wife says I’m a fool. And other relatives have begged me to stop doing some of the stuff I do with money. Those poor idiots. It seems I possess such a high level of financial genius, nobody is able to understand me.

For instance, whenever my broker would call and say buy, I’d buy. And when he’d say sell, I’d sell. He made a fortune off me in commissions, calling dozens of times a day. But he earned every penny. I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve made some damn good profits on some of those stock trades. Oh sure, there’s a few trades I don’t like to talk about, but hey, no one’s perfect, not even my broker.

My wife threatened divorce until I turned the account over to her. What does she do? Sits on the money and tells my broker to go to hell. She buys stocks and holds the same damned stocks for years, whether they go up or down. And she calls me a fool?! Fortunately, the stocks eventually did well enough that we could retire. But my wife has always been the lucky sort.

I didn’t expect to retire so soon, but it’s a good thing I did. One day I was sitting in my easy chair feeling bored and lonely, when out of the blue I got a phone call from my favorite nephew. Seems he was in a Mexican jail. Got into an accident, and the stupid kid didn’t have insurance. He said he was facing at least 10 years in a Mexican prison if I didn’t wire his lawyer some money right away. He said he was awfully embarrassed and made me promise not to tell anyone.

If I hadn’t been retired I wouldn’t have had the time to hustle myself down to the Western Union office and get those needed funds to him right away. It only cost $3,500 to get him out of jail. He promised to pay me back, and he’s a solid kid, so I know he’s good for it.

My wife knows nothing about this, of course. And I have another secret I’m keeping from her. Soon I will be a millionaire. I got a phone call the other day from the nicest young lady. She said I had won the Canadian lottery. Shit, I haven’t been to Canada in years, and when I was there I sure don’t remember buying a lottery ticket. But she told me that in Canada, random Americans are selected for inclusion in their lottery as an honorary gesture to their friendly neighbor to the south.

Canadians are so polite, aren’t they? Anyhoo, all I had to do was pay the Canadian lottery tax up front, and then she told me that a check for 15 million Canadian dollars would be sent to me, first-class mail, right away. Now, what is that in American money? No doubt quite a bit. And for the mere investment of $15,000, plus $4,500 in exchange fees, I’ll have the Canadian lottery tax paid off and become richer than my wildest dreams.

I can’t wait to tell my wife about this unexpected surprise. She’s always thought I was a fool with my money. But now she’ll have to admit to the true genius that I really am.

Categories: Humor

52 replies »

  1. Can’t wait to hear when your long-lost Nigerian cousin makes himself known to you, and that he’s a prince. I think all he needs is a little bit of financial help to get his money, which he’s sure to split with you. Don’t forget to share 🙃

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Careful. The IRS has apparently outsourced its accounting to India, but they will eventually discover that you owe them. Fortunately for me, some compassionate government employee took the time to call and let me know that the FBI was on the way! He was able to fix things though, by creatively figuring out a way to pay the fines with Amazon cards. Phew, that was close!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Your wife is going to be beaming with happiness over what you did. Beaming so much her face may be red and she may tell you to go take a hike! A long hike! I know Brad would be so proud of me if I did something like that. It would make him speechless with pride!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I have deal for you. You can invest in a “currency” I call Jason’s Crypto-Bucks. Well, I call it a currency, but you don’t actually use it to buy anything and it is only really backed by the whims of the market and herd mentality. But you can trade your actual functioning currency for this fun investment currency and you will appear to receive Jason’s Crypto-Bucks according to some app or webpage. Trust me, it is just like having actual currency in your actual bank account.

    And you see, each unit of Jason’s Crypto-Bucks currency you have will exist in a cool sounding virtual crypto wallet (virtual pants not included) and be protected by neato sounding stuff like BLOCKCHAIN! and CRYPTOGRAPHY!. It is virtually bullet-proof, even though it is mostly run on third-party computers that may be anywhere and managed by people who may in fact be criminals and employing weak security that is often hacked resulting in losses of millions of Jason’s Crypto-Bucks annually. But, that small risk is well worth the value you will receive by having a crypto-currency in your investment portfolio.

    Why waste your time on boring fiat currencies like the US Dollar. Sure, they’re backed by the US government, global banking system, and basically the entire global market. But, if the entire world economy collapses, imagine how secure you will feel knowing that somewhere on a server (that probably isn’t working anymore) you have Jason’s Crypto-Bucks. It could be the basis of an entire new economy. Or we could go back to trading chickens and bushels of corn. Who knows?

    And if you act now, every transaction you make will be automatically tracked by the FBI and any other government agency because the entire ledger is distributed. And we make it ridiculously difficult for computers to complete transactions and update the ledger by putting pointless processing problems for them to solve. This not only slows your transactions down, but it requires computers to use incredibly expensive processors and burn power and an enormous rate to increase pollution AND the cost of electricity. It’s a win-win.

    Act now. You can’t afford NOT to invest.

    Liked by 1 person

        • I was thinking of rebranding them to something even more cool sounding that Jason’s Crypto-Bucks. Maybe Codswallop Coin.

          How much would you pay for that? Now, before you answer let me tell you about the NFTs that I offer. You see an NFT, or Non-Fungible Token, gives you digital ownership of a pseudo-asset like an image or video clip. Once you buy the NFT, you have a record on someone else’s computer network somewhere that says you sort of own something that is, well nothing really. That is until they shut down the pointless computer network that stores this record of ownership. You could try to take this NFT and put it some place where it will be safe if this computer network fails or disappears, but you see, you don’t really own anything to keep safe.

          That’s right, trade your real money for a digital deed to nothing. This nothing may actually increase in value, but it won’t, though you will have the prestige of owning this nothing. Take for instance an NFT associated with a piece of digital art, that you can download and copy for free anyway – think of the enjoyment you will have not being able to actually display it to anyone. Hours and hours of fun, is what your friends will have laughing at your folly; and there’s no greater gift than happiness. Now what’s it worth, huh?

          Act now and when you buy a worthless currency, we’ll also send you and asset that is not actually an asset.

          Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, this sounds great! I’m in!

      I’ve always wondered if cryptocurrencies were a good investment, but after reading your marketing pitch, I realize that it’s so confusing it must be very sophisticated. So I don’t see anything that could go wrong with this kind of investment.

      Liked by 1 person

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