I’m quite clever with money. But my wife says I’m a fool. And other relatives have begged me to stop doing some of the stuff I do with money. Those poor idiots. It seems I possess such a high level of financial genius, nobody is able to understand me.
For instance, whenever my broker would call and say buy, I’d buy. And when he’d say sell, I’d sell. He made a fortune off me in commissions, calling dozens of times a day. But he earned every penny. I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve made some damn good profits on some of those stock trades. Oh sure, there’s a few trades I don’t like to talk about, but hey, no one’s perfect, not even my broker.
My wife threatened divorce until I turned the account over to her. What does she do? Sits on the money and tells my broker to go to hell. She buys stocks and holds the same damned stocks for years, whether they go up or down. And she calls me a fool?! Fortunately, the stocks eventually did well enough that we could retire. But my wife has always been the lucky sort.
I didn’t expect to retire so soon, but it’s a good thing I did. One day I was sitting in my easy chair feeling bored and lonely, when out of the blue I got a phone call from my favorite nephew. Seems he was in a Mexican jail. Got into an accident, and the stupid kid didn’t have insurance. He said he was facing at least 10 years in a Mexican prison if I didn’t wire his lawyer some money right away. He said he was awfully embarrassed and made me promise not to tell anyone.
If I hadn’t been retired I wouldn’t have had the time to hustle myself down to the Western Union office and get those needed funds to him right away. It only cost $3,500 to get him out of jail. He promised to pay me back, and he’s a solid kid, so I know he’s good for it.
My wife knows nothing about this, of course. And I have another secret I’m keeping from her. Soon I will be a millionaire. I got a phone call the other day from the nicest young lady. She said I had won the Canadian lottery. Shit, I haven’t been to Canada in years, and when I was there I sure don’t remember buying a lottery ticket. But she told me that in Canada, random Americans are selected for inclusion in their lottery as an honorary gesture to their friendly neighbor to the south.
Canadians are so polite, aren’t they? Anyhoo, all I had to do was pay the Canadian lottery tax up front, and then she told me that a check for 15 million Canadian dollars would be sent to me, first-class mail, right away. Now, what is that in American money? No doubt quite a bit. And for the mere investment of $15,000, plus $4,500 in exchange fees, I’ll have the Canadian lottery tax paid off and become richer than my wildest dreams.
I can’t wait to tell my wife about this unexpected surprise. She’s always thought I was a fool with my money. But now she’ll have to admit to the true genius that I really am.