The Way to a Woman’s Heart

Men, if you are dating right now, or contemplating a go-round with this romantic pursuit, there’s something you should keep in mind. Women have very similar digestive tracts to men. This includes an opening between their natal clefts that expels all manner of disgusting things.

What I’m getting at is that women have to fart. However, women don’t want men to know this. Being attractive is something that women tend to value much more highly than men, and most women regard farting as abhorrently unattractive.

So let’s say you’re taking your date on a long, romantic walk down a meandering nature trail. If she suddenly excuses herself and says she wants to go look at a flower about 50 yards away, don’t follow her. She probably has to fart.

Flatulence tends to get worse after a meal. So if you take her out to dinner, it’s best to bring her home immediately afterward. She won’t be good company anyway, due to her painful stomach cramps. As soon as you drop her off, she’ll be farting up a storm, while feeling grateful the date ended so soon. And after you drive away, you too can feel relieved while farting up a storm.

Sometimes farting can’t wait. So if you’re out on a date and you detect a foul odor beclouding your surroundings, don’t say a word nor provide any clue that you can smell anything. Do not wipe tears from your eyes, crinkle your nose, or hold your breath. She’s already studying you carefully for any reaction. If she detects that you detect her fart, she will feel mortified, and this will likely be the last time she goes out with you.

The best strategy in this situation is to politely excuse yourself, then move to a point where you’re out of her sight. There, you may begin gagging, retching, and hurling.

Should your date progress to more—ahem–intimate interaction, be careful about which part of her body you apply pressure. You may both find yourselves uncomfortably surprised by a loud blast. After this, detumescence will likely take hold. And once detumescence sets in, there is generally no going back.

Women fart. It’s a fact of life. It’s a fact that is so important, men need to be highly aware of it at all times during a date. However it’s also a fact that should never be acknowledged openly. Women don’t care to discuss the matter.

By keeping flatulence in mind you stand a good chance of having a successful date, with a woman who will appreciate you for your uncanny sense of timing, and your willingness to give her space when she needs it the most. And that’s the way to a woman’s heart.

Through her fart.

A Japanese farting contest.

Categories: Humor

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