I was abducted by aliens in Laughlin, Nevada. It’s possible. It happened. With all the illegal aliens pouring over our border these days, it only makes sense that some would come from outer space.

I had just left the the Casa Serrano Mexican restaurant, at the Riverside Hotel and Casino, and returned to my room near the top floor of the hotel. I had a doggy bag in my hand, containing one half-eaten bean burrito. I felt my stomach settle like the subsidence of the fracking fields of Oklahoma, and realized I now had that additional space I had been eagerly awaiting.

So as I gazed out the window of my room, at the colorful lights of the Laughlin strip, I tore the doggy bag open and stuffed my face with the remainders of the burrito. It was so delicious!

Suddenly a light in the sky caught my attention. The sun had just set on the town, and on the retirement dreams of thousands of disappointed gamblers. At first I thought the light was a strange glow from the moon. But then it separated into three glowing orbs. With a heavy gulp I realized we were being invaded by a fleet of UFO’s.

I was temporarily paralyzed, standing at the window, gazing into the sky at this extraterrestrial threat. I didn’t know what to do. Was this the end of the world? And then it occurred to me that my camera was sitting on my bed, just a few feet away . So I quickly grabbed it and snapped the photo you see at the top of this post.

I felt a strange, floating sensation as I pressed the shutter button. I looked down, and much to my amazement and terror, I found myself levitating. A beam of light had locked onto me, and had somehow sucked me through the glass of the window, and was drawing me closer and closer to the spaceships.

I blacked out, and floated in a kind of gelatinous darkness for what could have been forever or a few minutes. Then I came to, while lying naked on top of a table inside a round room.

A metallic gadget was strapped to my forehead. An odd, spidery-shaped figure stood over me. It had four legs, four thin arms, a long narrow neck, and very large, buggy eyes affixed to a tiny head. It spoke to me. It told me that the metallic gadget was a Vergitator, and that it translated word thoughts, making it possible for us to communicate telepathically.

I was informed that I was a prisoner of war, being held by an advance scout force. I was also told that the invaders knew I was a member of the Earth’s military defense force, because of the weapon I had pointed at their spacecrafts. I tried to explain that this “weapon” was just a camera, and that I take photos as a hobby. But my captor would not believe me, and told me that there are ways to fool the Vergitator, and that I had better stop lying and come forth with the truth.

“Take me to your leader,” came a telepathic order. I would have gladly done so, if our country only had one. But then I remembered a neighbor who plays loud music, and treats my wife and me rudely. So I directed my captor to my neighborhood. We hovered over his house, with the UFO’s making eldritch flying saucer noises. When my neighbor walked out to investigate, I pointed him out. “That’s him! That’s my leader!” And with one fell zap, a laser beam shot out from a space ship and vaporized him instantly.

The aliens then took me inside my own house to look for Earth weapons that they could analyze and learn about. They spotted my computer and made me turn it on. They saw the pictures in my photo collection and concluded that this computer was actually a teleporting machine. They began to torture me, to extract information on how this machine worked.

They wouldn’t believe my pleadings that it was just a computer, and nothing more. My torture was that I was forced to back up my data over and over and over again. The boredom damn near killed me. It was more than I could take. But suddenly Lady Luck saved me. That bean burrito finally kicked in, and I was struck with an unstoppable bout of flatulence.

Apparently, my intergalactic captors cannot handle the smell of flatulence. In fact, the chemicals are caustic to them. I saw two of the arms of one of these spidery aliens disintegrate, right before my eyes. They fled from my house in total terror, and beamed aboard their hovering spacecrafts. In an eyeblink they whizzed away, disappearing into space, from whence they came.

And there you have it. You may think I’m a hero, and maybe I am. I accept all nominations for Nobel Prizes. But truth be told, I’m not the only one to thank.

A bean burrito saved the world.