Dr. Schimpkin Schnuggles was a genius. He was a sleep researcher, and worked in the finest sleep labs in the country. Or so it said in the description of his bestselling book, The Snoozer’s Guide to Sound Sleep.
My restlessness kept me up until 1:00 am in the morning. So I finally gave up, got up, and decided to kill some time on my computer. I googled “insomnia,” and that’s how I discovered Dr. Schnuggles’ helpful book.
For a slight fee of just $37.99, I was able to download the tome to my Kindle. Slight fee, my foot! This book had better be good, or I’d never be able to sleep, worrying about all the money I wasted.
No sooner had I delved into Chapter One, than I realized what a genius this doctor was. Schnuggles advised that often it is our environment that causes insomnia. He said that light was usually the culprit, and he advised dousing any nightlights in the bedroom.
But of course! My Mickey Mouse nightlight with his glowing eyes and cheeks must be what’s keeping me awake. I’ve always had a little fear of the dark, and Mickey Mouse has been kind of a comfort to me. Nonetheless, that light was messing with my melatonin or melanin, or some damn thing, causing my cicada rhythm or circadian rhythm, or whatever the hell it was, to go all widdershins.
So I promptly unplugged Mr. Mouse, then plunged into bed. And I lay there for about ten minutes. Then fifteen minutes. No sleep. I cracked open my eyelids, and what do you know? I see light. My digital clock is glowing LED red, lighting up the whole room like a whorehouse. So I got up and found my Kindle, and propped it against the face of the clock. No more red light.
I laid back down in bed, staring at the dark ceiling. And then a twinkling caught my attention. An infernal flashing light from somewhere. I propped myself up, and realized that the modem and router to my computer had an assortment of LED lights twinkling and blinking away like a Christmas tree. I got up again, and foraged through my dresser drawer. I found some dark boxer shorts to throw over these electronic demons, then dove back into bed.
Any more lights? I decided to wait until my eyes adjusted to the dark before concluding all was clear. Or dark, that is. And what do you know, there were more lights. Little pinpricks glowing in the tenebrous gloom, emerging from my desk in the corner. I jumped out of bed and flicked on the wall switch and investigated.

My computer was the culprit this time. There’s a little tiny LED on the keyboard, indicating that NumLock was set. So I hit the NumLock key to turn that bastard off. But there was also a light on the microphone that I have connected to the computer. So I hit the off switch. But the computer case itself also had some glowing little LED’s taunting me with their cheery brightness. I went to the garage and found some black electrical tape, and smothered their cheer with a few strips.
There, that should do it. Now back to bed. But as I waited in the dark for my pupils to enlarge, I became aware of yet more tiny rays of starlight from various points in the room.
More investigating revealed some LEDs on power strips, the telephone, the TV, the computer mouse, and on a tiny little volume control knob on my stereo. I became a busy man wielding that electrical tape, dousing these illuminated invaders of my sleep. Electrical tape is hard to cut, and if you’ve ever messed with it, you’ll know what I’m talking about. I resorted to my pocketknife, which then led to a gashed and bleeding thumb.
Finally, with every goddamned LED extinguished in the room, I was able to relax in the vault of complete darkness I had created. Now, at last, at 3:46 am, I could get that restful slumber promised by Dr. Schnuggles.
But no, I still couldn’t sleep. It was very dark in there. I thought I heard a noise. Did it come from under the bed? Was it some creature that smelled the blood from my thumb? And then there was the pain. The pain from the wounded thumb. And then there was that $37.99 I so foolishly spent.
So there in the scary dark of my bedroom, I lay terrified, hurting, and angry. Finally, as dawn was cracking open the morning, I cracked open Dr. Schnuggles book again, and resumed reading. The next thing I knew, I was waking up, and the time was 4:00 pm. Alas, I’d finally discovered the secret to getting a lot of sleep. Just try reading a big, boring book.
Categories: Humor
I enjoyed reading this on my computer this morning as I yawned myself awake. I especially liked the, um, [thunk] hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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😂
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I see my job is complete, today.
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Sounds like you deserve a nap.
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I do. I always do. So I think I’ll open that book back up and resume reading it.
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If you get desperate just read my blog, the next thing you know it’ll be late in the afternoon.
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No, all that advice about aperture and f-stops keeps my focused, with my irises wide open.
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I shutter to think that I have effect on people. ISO want to be helpful.
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That lens me to believe you like to share your flashes of genius with everyone. Which explains all the exposure you give yourself on your blog.
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I just want to make sure that my readers can telephoto when they see one.
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I would criticize that pun, but I don’t want to be a loose Canon.
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I thought you would Leica good pun.
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It depends on how they’re framed.
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Just try not to focus on the negatives.
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Wow, it looks like you’ve developed quite a crop of photography puns.
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Stop. You’re embarrassing me. It does take RAW talent to develop these puns.
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Maybe so, but you’re really on a roll, right now.
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This is prime pun-making material.
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Stop encouraging him!
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He doesn’t need encouragement. I can’t picture him not making puns.
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True. Its a natural talent!
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Which in your case you overflow with the talent!
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You see, image data is called a RAW file before you process it and export a JPG. So, I wanted to explain the pun so that you can smack your head again.
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Sooo thoughtful of you! I really need more coffee and perhaps some ice for my head.
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You see, there were 2 elves named Alabaster and Snowball ….. So, I wanted to explain that … so that you can feel sorry for them. Just saying …
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You may get coal for Christmas this year
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LOL! Not worried … I am not Alabaster or Snowball. 🙂
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Snowball has been very good.
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Good???? Please explain in the last 24 hours how he has been good?
By the way I had a Pumpkin Spice Latte, now that was good. 😋
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He came up with a lot of good puns, for instance.
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LOL! I am not sure that you are helping his case any.
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Geez, no wonder his name is Snowball.
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I prefer sweet things like coffee, chocolate, candy, over coal. Oh scenic calendars are nice too.
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Hey, stop that womansplaining.
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Oh gosh!
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Jason has been too good of a teacher to you!
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Maybe, but sometimes when he’s teaching photography, he gets snappy.
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LOL! I give up!
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HELP!
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Call 911.
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I don’t think they would help!
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How about 9-1-pun?
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DUCK!
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Ouch! Quack!
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Oooh I had to laugh at that as I …”smacked my head”… !
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Keep smacking, I think you almost got it.
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I believe this post got my quota of head smacks for the day! 😛
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🤣😂🤣😁
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I could have told you how boring books put one to sleep and only charged you half price! That would have been a fantastic deal for HALF s smaller, ( you may remember Jason pointing that wisdom out yesterday) Do you want advice on how to stay awake? Read a large, captivating book!
$35 please!
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I deny that I said anything that contained any wisdom.
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Well now that is the wisest thing I have heard out of you recently. 😅
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Please, you’re embarrassing me.
How many shoofly pies are you making for Thanksgiving?
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That’s probably all she’s eating on Thanksgiving. We’re thinking about baking a small one, and calling it a shoognat pie.
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I was going to make a bootfly cobbler.
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Those are expensive. I hope you can foot the bill. When we were at the beach last week, they were selling sandalfly cupcakes.
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Hard to decide if I would like those, I keep flip-flopping.
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You’re not the only one. I keep hearing the same old thong from everyone.
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Sounds like it could clog your arteries anyway.
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Anyway, sandals are for people with frog feet. Because they’re open-toad.
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Then why is it so difficult to hop in them?
I guess people with frog feet shouldn’t wear crocs then.
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You need to be wearing a jumper, to hop in them.
I guess they should also avoid alligator boots.
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Groaning!
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You all are just on a roll aren’t you! I may need tylenol for my head!
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Instead of tiling your head, you’ll feel warmer with ear-to-ear carpeting.
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…mmm…!!
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😶🤚!
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“Haha!”
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Maybe some shoofly pie with cranberry sauce.
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Yeah, she’ll use the cranberry sauce as a topping. And then she’ll gorge on a sticky concoction of sweet potatoes and marshmallows, while chasing it down with a pumpkin spice latte.
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You forgot to mention the pecans on the sweet potatoes, smartie!
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Blech!
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Try it!
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All of the ingredients are good individually, but I’ve never liked sweet potato pie with all those marshmallows and other junk in it.
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Those poor taste buds of yours!
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I wouldn’t put them down. They have a lot of taste.
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Oh gosh! Now I am just moaning!
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😶🤚!
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Why bake them when you can buy them? 🙂
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I thought that you were a shoo-fly purist and wouldn’t abide a store-bought pie.
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You just have to get them from the right place. Not all store bought pies are created equal! 🙂
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I guess you have to get shoe-fly pie from a cobbler.
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Nooo…. 😶🤚!
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Uh, are you a doctor? I only pay doctors for quack health advice.
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I was giving sleep advice, you don’t need to be a Dr for that!
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Yes you do, because sleep affects one’s health. The best doctors for giving sleep advice are those who always fell asleep in class. So, did you attend medical school and fall asleep frequently?
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I had trouble staying awake in high school classes. Does that count?
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No, not if you were high.
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I wasn’t high you doolally!
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Okay, okay. I guess that’s a very safe thing for someone of your stature to say.
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Smartass!
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I discovered early on that textbooks will do the trick. I always keep a few around for sleepless nights.
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That’s a textbook example of how to cure insomnia.
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for an extra $10, Dr. Schimpkin Schnuggles should have included a face mask…
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Well there you have it. Instead of dousing all the millions of little lights in your room, just wear a facemask. And to think, it took an accounting professor, and not a doctor, to figure that out.
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well I do know a thing or two about putting people to sleep…
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I’ll have to give you credit for that. Especially when you talk about credits.
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that sounds about right…
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Or, have someone with an extremely monotone voice read it to you… you’ll be 😴 💤 in no time!
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Oh yeah. Maybe I could hire your online professor.
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I hardily recommend him! 😆 🤣 😂
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Oops… heartily recommend
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I gotcha.
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This had me in stitches. I have done this SO many times! Then, the next day, you have to undo all of it because you can’t figure out why everything refuses to work – all this blinking dots inform you of whether or not your internet is working, your keyboard GM is still working, why your monitor won’t turn on, and whether that weird noise is the fan or your hard drive preparing to blow up.
I sent that book back and got one as thick as my arm about bird claws. Not interesting bird of prey claws, little birds and how they naturally maintain the perfect manicure. I would tell you, but then you won’t have the benefit of the book to smash yourself in the head with until you get loopy enough to fall asleep 😂
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That book sounds like it’s for the birds. But I’d be willing to eat some bear claws while falling asleep reading about bird claws.
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I wrote a comment but it got eaten by your site’s demands for my entire life story in one word answers 😭
Send the book back (i spent nearly a week hunting down every little dot of light just to have to undo all my hard work to track down an issue that could ONLY be solved by the stupid blinking lights) and buy one about itty bitty bird manicures. I found one that took me three years to read. I had no insomnia in that time. Not one single night. Oh, and a blind fold for the nights you just don’t want to read. But get the ones with the eye cups or it touches your eyelashes and that makes you stay awake thinking about how likely it is that an eyelash will fall in your eye and wake you up. Also, lavender. Not a candle, cuz…yeah anxiety doesn’t help. Nothing too strong or you’ll sneeze. Something light like a moisturizer, except then you kind of feel like a greased goose.
Basically, when you can’t sleep, you can try a million and five things. I’m the end the simple truth is that the cure for insomnia is sleep. Yeah, not worth $40 😂
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The other comment went through, but somehow this one ended up in my Spam filter. I just found it and fished it out today. WP can be pretty strange.
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Thank you for letting me know. They both have some ideas that have worked. Baby lotion for bedtime has lavender in it. That works. There was also a bottle of stuff you spritzed in your pillow. That worked but only a half a spritz. Full spritz and you’ll sneeze
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Over my lifetime, I’ve found a lot of different things that help one to sleep. But they only work for a little while. There’s something about the brain that acclimates, and then you’re back to square one again.
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Yes, which is why I always switch it up. I have found a handful of different things that have approximately a 30-40% success rate, which dwindles down to zero the more often I use them. so I try to use them sparingly and I alternate between them. That allows the chance of success to remain fairly high. On the nights where none of them are working, I just keep adding more until eventually, my brain screams “ENOUGH!” and goes to sleep LOL
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Heh-heh. Yes, and one sure-fire method I’ve discovered is, the longer I stay awake, the more likely I am to fall asleep.
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HAHA that works about 50% of the time for me LOL
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