Do you hate to throw away slivers of soap? You had to pay for that soap, you know, and to just throw it away, what a waste! So you rub that tiny sliver vigorously between the palms of your hands, working up a five-minute lather, just so you won’t waste it. And then it pops out and flies onto the floor. Finally you give up and toss it in the wastebasket, a lost cause.
But wait! All is not lost. You can save that little sliver, and your money. Here’s how to save your soap:
Put each little sliver into a cup, until you fill the cup up. Then pour the cup of slivers into a saucepan. Cover the soapy pile with water and let it soak for one day, while stirring occasionally. Very important: Be sure to tell your wife that this pan contains soap. Otherwise there is a very real danger she will mistake it for lumpy gravy and pour it over your mashed potatoes for dinner. Believe me the taste is so bitter, you’ll be retching into the toilet for about an hour and fifteen minutes, after just one bite.
After one day of soaking, put the saucepan of soap on the stovetop, over a medium flame. Be sure your hand is not over the burner when you turn it on. You could end up jerking it backward so fast you’ll bang your elbow hard on the fridge. That really smarts. Now, bring this macerating concoction to a boil. Stir occasionally, while keeping an eye on it so it doesn’t stick to the bottom and sides and burn.
Now, when I say to keep an eye on it, I don’t mean that you should lean over so far and close that a boiling lye bubble can burst and spray into your eyes. That stings like hell. In fact, it feels like two branding irons are stabbing you in the corneas. You end up running blindly to the bathroom, screaming at the top of your lungs, then fumbling with the shower head in order to rinse the acidic lye out of there.
Once everything’s all hot and creamy and smooth, remove the soapy slurry from the flame. Stir in one tablespoon of olive oil or vegetable oil. Be careful about how you pour that oil. If some of it drips on the floor it makes a slippery mess. And if you don’t notice, you could find your feet flying out in front of you, as you slam down upon your coccyx. Then you may not be able to sit down for the next six days.
Pour the soapy mix into molds. Not blue molds or gray molds or fungi like that. No, I mean plastic or tin molds. Make sure these molds are slightly greased, and again, I must emphasize, make sure none of that damned grease spills onto the floor. Or you could end up breaking your goddamned coccyx yet again!
The soap will cool in the molds. If you properly greased them, the soap should pop out with a light tap. Now, grab a sharp knife, for cutting the soap into the shapes you desire. But look before you grab. When you accidentally grab a sharp knife by the blade, rather than the helve, it can dig deep into your fingers and open up gaping bloody wounds. Hell, you can’t even drive to the emergency room in that condition, because the blood pouring out of your fingers makes the steering wheel too slippery. You end up getting into an accident by running your car into your neighbor’s mailbox, garden, and house.
Once you’re finished you will have a nice collection of soap bars, from recycled slivers. Congratulations! You have just saved ten cents!