Some years ago, my wife and I got into a little tiff. We were both left feeling a little sore at each other, and they say couples should never go to bed with an unresolved argument. Well, we did.

The next morning I got up and prepared for work. My wife was still sleeping, because she had stayed up later than me. I got in my car when I noticed something odd on the hood. Someone had written “Fuck You” in mustard.

I knew who that someone was. That’s why she stayed up later than me. My wife can be kind of vindictive at times. Now I was fuming. I couldn’t just drive to work with “Fuck You” written on my car. What would my co-workers think? I’d never live it down. So I angrily got out and grabbed the garden hose, and rinsed the mustard off.

Now I was wet, cold, and a little dirty, so I went back into the house to wash up. I was also in a bit of a hurry because I was trying to keep from being late to work. I finished washing up just as my wife got out of bed. I was heading for the front door when she sleepily trudged into the livingroom, heading for her morning coffee in the kitchen. As I opened the front door, she said “Good morning” to me. Did I detect a hint of sarcasm?

And so I paused at the front door and struck my best Rhett Butler pose, and said, “Fuck you, too,” to little Miss Scarlett. And that’s how I left her that morning, while I commuted away.

That evening my wife immediately confronted me after I got home from work. She vehemently denied having written the mustard epigram on my car’s hood. Apparently, I had been the victim of some neighborhood vandal.

So I guess there’s some truth to the advice of resolving your differences before you go to bed. It could have prevented this imbroglio. And to this day, I still don’t know who wrote “Fuck You” on my car. But whoever you are, “Fuck you, too.”

Categories: Humor

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