Walter Weaks joined the other staff members in the conference room, to watch the presentation they had been told would be “exciting.” The presenter was a corporate skirt from higher up. He recognized the plastic woman as Susie Cherub from Marketing. He walled his eyes. Ho-hum. Weren’t there better things everyone could be doing right now?
Susie was busy screeving something on the whiteboard. Then she turned around and began her presentation.
“Good morning everyone!” she put on her best cheerleader plastic smile. A few harrumphs were returned. “I’m really excited to tell you about our new business plan for your department.”
Walter Weaks’ thoughts: Really excited? Sure you’re really excited. Who wouldn’t be really excited about some bureaucratic bafflegab in outline form, copied and stapled together as handouts? ‘Really excited’ is doublespeak for, ‘I’m trying my best to get you all really excited, because I really want this plan to work.’ What would really excite this skirt is if the plan actually did work and she got a bonus for it.
Susie Cherub: “We learned a lot from our last business plan, and we’ve put those exciting lessons into our new plan.”
Walter Weaks: That last plan was a real flop. Just admit it woman, and give us some honest information. If you’ve really learned, then it’s from the college of hard knocks. Don’t ever try a plan like that again. It’s a wonder we didn’t all get laid off because of you and the other educated idiots who came up with that stupid plan. I surely hope you’ve learned something.
Susie Cherub: “What we need is teamwork to make this plan work. So let’s get all excited for our team!”
Walter Weaks: Teamwork! Yay team!!! If I hear the teamwork word again I’m gonna puke. Is that all you are, just a corporate cheerleader? But I know what you mean by teamwork. You really mean that you want cooperation and obedience. Don’t anyone dare step out of line and think for themselves.
Susie Cherub: “But no business plan is perfect. So think outside the box and come up with some good ideas, yourself. Let me know about those ideas. I’m really excited to hear them.”
Walter Weaks: Think outside the box and tell you?! Not on my life! What you really want is a scapegoat. If this plan fails, you want to point at someone and say that he didn’t like the plan and wasn’t following it. That poor bastard will be accused of not being part of the team and will get his ass canned. I’ll think outside the box alright, and continue to do my own thing. But I sure as hell am not telling you about it.
The “exciting” presentation ended and everyone shuffled back to their cubicles. And Walter Weaks continued the soliloquy in his mind: Susie Cherub, you are just loaded up the ass with clichés and bromides, aren’t you? Well I’ve got a few for you. I’m not going to stick my neck out with suggestions on how to improve your dumbass plan. No, I won’t take one for the team. Instead, I’ll keep a low profile. I’ll stay in my cubicle and keep my nose to the grindstone and mind my own business.And I’ll hope and pray that your snakebitten plan works, so that my department will survive and I won’t get laid off.
And if my job lasts long enough for me to retire with a nice pension, then on my retirement day I will feel really excited.
Categories: Stories
Chasing Unicorns 
Walter has such a positive attitude! I really hope things work out for him! I would vote for him to be a high up executive, seems like he understands perfectly how things work!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Poor Walter had high hopes and ambitions in his younger years with the company. He thought he’d rise quickly and help save humanity in the process. Now the poor guy has been reduced to a spineless, silent rebel, with a mind filled with cynical, snarky comments about every new policy handed down from those at the top of the pyramid, even as he meekly complies with them (but only when being watched).
LikeLike
I like Walter. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Me too. He’s a man after my own heart.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think Walter worked for my previous employer before he retired! You captured his disillusionment perfectly! 😆 🤣 😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think Walter worked for my previous employer before he retired… you captured his disillusionment perfectly! Lol
LikeLiked by 2 people
There’s a lot of Walters in this world, I think. I ran across quite a few during my working years.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Bafflegab! I’m thinking this could be a very useful word to add to my vocabulary. Thanks.
LikeLiked by 3 people
It’s a great word. I think it’s an apt description for how many bureaucrats talk.
LikeLiked by 3 people
It is hard not to roll your internal eyes at the stream of business buzzwords that come out of higher management in business meetings. You can watch a buzzwords progression down the management change and I often feel embarrassed for the lower managers parroting the pointless metaphors and phrases. I mean if you don’t go after the low hanging fruit while standing up an organization you will leave money on the table by not developing personas that broadly represent your customers.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Spoken like someone who’s very familiar with bureaucracy and buzzwords. I think parroting the buzzwords is all about CYA. As long as you’re using the talking points of the company, it’s hard to get into trouble for anything you might say.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have just heard the buzzwords for my career. I never learned to say those buzz phrases and stuff with a straight and sincere look on my face which perhaps limits my career. I mean, you can’t polish a turd.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe you should have taken a cheerleading course in college. Think of how high you could be on the corporate ladder by now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, I do have the legs for it so maybe you are right.
LikeLiked by 2 people
😄
LikeLike
Oh my gosh! 😂 “No comment!”
LikeLiked by 2 people
Laughing at me counts as a comment.
LikeLiked by 2 people
😶🤚!
Don’t you need to get busy on writing how Cara gets to Hawaii?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Walter is too smart to ever be happy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe so. He refuses to live in a fool’s paradise.
LikeLiked by 1 person
if such meetings were held on Zoom, Walter could spend his time checking his retirement portfolio while still appearing engaged. long live remote working…
LikeLiked by 2 people
That’s a good point. For all its pitfalls, there were some very nice things that came out of the pandemic.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I jsut heard that PwC, one of the Bg 4 public accounting firms, is going to allow its employees to work from home, or anywhere they want to, for as long as they want to..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lucky employees. I guess an accounting firm can get away with something like that.
In fact, my brother owns a tax firm and has a bookkeeper on his payroll. Yet, she lives two states away, and does everything online, working from home.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I am guessing more and more firms will start adopting such a policy…
LikeLiked by 1 person