Chasing Unicorns: Chapter 2, Zombie Theory, Part 2

Tap cover, to read.

This is the latest installation of a 27-part series, featuring my book, Chasing Unicorns. To read the previous installation, CLICK THIS LINK. For the next post in this series, CLICK THIS LINK. To start at the beginning, CLICK THIS LINK. To read the entire book at once, tap the book cover. Thanks for reading!

RECAP: The first paragraph of the previous installation asserted, “Life is change, and life is automatically enjoyed. But not all change is automatically experienced. So the key to finding more enjoyment in life is to discover how to experience more change.” I then did my damndest to start interpreting what this assertion meant. The final paragraph of the previous installation read:

“Zombie Theory, in short, states that life is change. Therefore even dead bodies are alive, because they are constantly changing through the process of decomposition.”

Zombie Theory, Part 2

Life Is Automatically Enjoyed

The next preposterous thing I say in the first paragraph of this chapter, is that life is automatically enjoyed. Now that gives me a little problem. If dead bodies are alive, and if life is automatically enjoyed, then that means dead bodies are automatically enjoyed. So before my entire thesis here devolves into necrophilia, I need to straighten something out:

Do not have sex with zombies!

When I say that life is automatically enjoyed, I’m actually diving very deep, philosophically. I’m right down there with bottom-feeding intellectuals of all varieties. So we must be on careful alert at this juncture.

Look, I’m talking about life, here. LIFE. Life is something you cannot live without. Now, do you enjoy living? Before you answer no, please allow me to point a gun in your face. You may be feeling a little blue at this moment, and maybe wishing you were dead. But if I pointed a gun in your face I’ll bet your heart might skip a few beats.

The survival instinct is undeniable. Many a distraught person has traveled to the Grand Canyon with the intent to dive off into oblivion. But as soon as they gaze into the abyss (and the abyss gazes back), they lose their guts, return to their cars, and drive home defeated. They probably find it easier to just shoot themselves (although I’ll bet they wince just before pulling the trigger).

After all, it takes about thirty seconds to freefall one mile, and the gorges of the Grand Canyon can exceed a mile deep in spots. I’m sure they anticipate that as soon as they jump they’re going to change their mind (once the old “wincing reflex” kicks in). And they realize that they’ll spend the next thirty seconds knowing their entrails shall soon decorate the floor of a national park, with no hope of getting out of this fate. This will defeat their purpose. The purpose of suicide is to die because you want to die, not because you don’t want to die. And jumping off a high cliff will probably put you in a state of mind that is not conducive to welcoming death.

If you were miserable all the time, with no hope for recovery, then suicide might hold some magnetism for you. But the more sanguine you are that you will snap out of it, the more you’ll want to keep your body alive.

Now I’m jumping a bit ahead of myself (but at least I’m not jumping off the Grand Canyon) when I say this, but I’m going to say it anyway. When you are feeling wretched and miserable, it’s because you are experiencing less life than normal. The key to enjoyment is to experience more life, not less.

You see, although life is automatically enjoyed, not all life is automatically experienced. This is because not all change is automatically experienced. But now I’m so far ahead of myself I’m starting to resemble Stretch Armstrong. So let me back up a little. The rest of the class needs to catch up.

Let’s see, where was I. Ah yes . . . Life is automatically enjoyed . . .

Yes, life is automatically enjoyed, but only the life that you experience. If there is any life going on around you that you are not experiencing, then you are not able to enjoy that life. If I whisper a dirty joke into your deaf ear, then you will not hear it, nor will you enjoy it. Only I will. See what I mean? You must experience life before you can enjoy it.

I hope the way I’ve explained this has been as obvious as a cinder block falling on your foot. If so, then you now know why you’re feeling miserable. It’s because you’re not experiencing as much life as you otherwise could. Trust me, this is the reason.

[Dammit, I can see that you don’t trust me. Okay, I’ll get into why this is a good reason, tomorrow. And I’ll also sic a dog on you. Trust me.]


36 replies »

  1. 😶🤚!
    “Do not have sex with zombies!”

    Oh gosh! I don’t feel like a cinder block has fallen on me but … are you sure that you didn’t get hit by a cinder block?
    Yet, in a crazy way you are making sense, I think, so I will read on. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think I get this! Was I supposed to? Maybe it’s just because I am experiencing so much misery in the life I’m experiencing right now that I am really enjoying life right now, just typing this comment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well good. I know you’ve been through quite a lot, lately. If typing comments makes you happy, then type comments. I’m leaving on a vacation for about two weeks, though, so don’t expect any quick replies.

      Liked by 1 person

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