The First Trimester,
The sperm/egg unification was a mind-blower for me. I felt electric. A bright, warm glow enveloped me, and my mind seemed to expand to the size of the universe. A pleasant pulsation throbbed through my being as I pumped my DNA into the egg. And then my mind imploded, and I felt as if I was sucked into the egg at hyperspeed, through a long, black tunnel. This felt exhilarating.
Once inside the egg, my mind again ballooned out, out, out, then shot away from my mother’s body like a missile heading for outer space. It must have traveled a million, billion light years before a tensing force slowed and stopped it, much in the way bungee jumpers are slowed and stopped by their elastic cords.
And there in deep space I dangled, hanging by some sort of mysterious tail. In a void of nothingness my mind floated, while basking in the afterglow of the orgasm of sperm/egg unification.
I serenely floated there for awhile, just relaxing and chilling in the tranquility of nothingness. And then I felt a presence and opened my mind’s eye. And there before me floated Scump, Cleeta, and Forchetti. They were my best friends from the Other Side. We used to hang out together and did everything with each other.
“Hey, Spunjee!” Scump called out to me, “Wasn’t that frickin’ frabjous?!” Spunjee was my Other-Side name. Scump loved the word “frabjous”. Anything cool that happened was “frabjous this” and “frabjous that”.
“Oh yeahhhh,” I sighed. “Better than most times, that’s for sure. In fact, I think that was the best I’ve ever had.”
“I don’t know about that,” Cleeta remonstrated. “I mean, it was okay and all, but I’ve had better.”
“Yeah, same here,” Forchetti joined in, “It was over so damn quick. Gettin’ stuck in a rubber just cuts the pleasure off short. Which reminds me, where have YOU been? We’ve been lookin’ all over for you, bud.”
I guess they hadn’t notice the hole.
“There was a hole in the rubber, didn’t you see it?”
They shook their heads.
“Well there was, and I made it through, along with a bunch of others. And you know what? I got all the way up the vagina and into the uterus. I even found the egg. And if I wasn’t here with you guys right now, I could swear I was the first one to enter the egg. But here I am, so thank god that didn’t happen.”
“Hey!” Cleeta pointed, “What’s that tail thing you got going on?”
Tail thing? Oh yeah, the tail thing.
“I don’t know,” I puzzled, “But I was flying real super fast, and it caught me and stopped me.”
“You got a tail!” Scump shouted, “And you don’t know what it is? Dude, you WERE the first inside the egg! Dude, you’re gonna be a human! Man, there ain’t NUTHIN’ frabjous about that.”
Oh shit. I was suspecting that’s why I had a tail. But I was in denial. Didn’t want to believe it. No, no, no. It couldn’t be. What were the odds? But I looked behind me and sure enough, there that tail was, firmly attached to my spiritual field, and dangling off forever into the distance.
Forchetti blew me a cosmic kiss. “It’s been nice knowing you Spunjee, but you know you’re not supposed to win the race. Now you’re stuck. Look me up when you get back. Don’t worry, it won’t take long. It’ll just seem like it to your fucked-up mortal mind.”
“Hey, it’s been frabjous, dude,” Scump fist-bumped my ether.
“Buh-bye,” waved Cleeta.
Then my three best friends retreated back to the Other Side.
I desperately tried to follow. “Wait! Maybe I can break this thing!” I gathered my cosmic energy, sped up, and threw everything I had into it. But after just one or two light years of stretching my tail as thin as a strand of vermicelli, it stopped me and yanked me back, like the elastic in my dad’s tighty-whities. My tail had its limits, and I’d reached the end of its tether. It was very strong. Too strong to snap. At least for me.
The tail was my connection to my mother. It was my ethereal umbilicus, so to speak. It kept my spirit attached to the egg in my mother’s womb, and it formed a bond that was virtually unbreakable.
Oh, there are rare stories of other, much more powerful spirits who’ve been able to snap the tail. But I simply didn’t have it in me. I was way too weak.
After dangling in despair for awhile, I gradually moved to a stage of resignation. I missed my friends, but figured I’d just have to make new friends in the human world. I shrugged my shoulders and surrendered to the situation. Better to just make the most of it, I sighed.
And so I turned around and followed my long, long tail back to the Milky Way, back to Sol’s Solar System, back to planet Earth, and then back to the tiny little womb that contained the egg I had so recently fertilized.
Come on back in a few days, or so, for the next installment of The Birth of Tippy Gnu, entitled, The First Trimester, Part 3: The Next Four Weeks.
Categories: The Birth of Tippy Gnu