This is the second installment of my autobiography, The Birth of Tippy Gnu.
To read the first installment, click this link.

Conception:
Introduction to The Birth of Tippy Gnu

There I was with all these other spirits, laughing, kicking it, just having a good time. Then the thrill vibe hit us. That’s the vibe that comes from the physical world, when we sense some other creatures are having a good time.

If you know what I mean.

It drew us like mosquitoes to a porch light. The thrill vibe is always a draw. It’s a vibe of fun, joy, and delight. It is life itself. Life is what we spirits thrive on. Life is our food. We must have life if we are to have, well, life.

It was a couple of humans humping and moaning away, really going at it. The thrill vibe can come from any creatures getting it on. But I liked the human thrill vibe the most. That’s because I was a real twisted fuck.

Humans are the stupidest of all the creatures in the physical realm. And yet they’re also the smartest. Humans are just really messed up. Like me. If I had been more mature and developed spiritually, and had not allowed myself to degenerate so badly, the human vibe would not have been my thing. I’d have gone for the rodent vibe, or worm vibe, or, if I was among the most advanced, maybe the bacteria or virus vibe.

One of the stupidest and most biased of human beliefs is that we reincarnate into more and more advanced creatures, in the physical realm, until we finally enjoy the rare opportunity of becoming human. It’s supposedly the pinnacle of reincarnative achievement, according to some gurus and other illuminati.

But think about it. The math won’t allow it. Consider how many bacteria, plants, insects, and animals populate this world. It’s one hell of a lot more than humans, by an astronomical amount. If they were all advancing toward human life, planet Earth would soon be overwhelmed. It would not be able to sustain the vast numbers of new people being born.

Here’s the real truth. We use the physical realm as a kind of school. We must face many dilemmas in the physical realm, and from these we learn many lessons that help us to develop spiritually.

Some dunderheads have to go to remedial education. And so we’re born as more advanced, complicated creatures, such as mammals, who have to deal with complicated problems. And the worst of us, like you and me, are born as humans, who are not physically adapted to this world, and thus face the most complex and challenging issues of all.

But the more we advance spiritually, the less we need to learn from the physical realm. And so the most advanced spirits incarnate into the simplest creatures, such as bacteria, which typically have very short life spans and uncomplicated lifestyles. They usually just come here for brief, routine exercise, then quickly get back to their lives on the Other Side.

And that’s why we have so much bacteria on our planet. There are a lot of advanced spirits on the Other Side seeking a little tiny bit of spiritual exercise on This Side. You wouldn’t believe how many. It’s impossible to count them all.

Unfortunately, humans were what I, and all my friends, related to the most on the Other Side. We were in a tiny minority at the very bottom of the spiritual hierarchy. Which, by the way, looks a lot like an inverted pyramid. I once was advanced, but I allowed myself to degenerate badly. And now I was among the lowest of the low. Lower than whale shit, and at the bottom of that upside-down pyramid.

But minority though we were, we formed a pretty large crowd compared to populations in the physical realm. Why, there were more than a billion of us lowly spirits just at this one party alone. And we all dug the human vibe.

So there we all were, our spirits jumping with glee into the balls of this man humping his lady, and fighting over his sperm cells. I got into one successfully and held on for the joy ride.

What always happened in these cases was, I’d be ejaculated into some skanky vagina, and have a fun little adventure swimming up toward the cervix, uterus, and that distant, impossible-to-reach, golden egg.

Things always turned out well, because I never actually got to the egg. Not that I didn’t want to reach it. Some sort of mania always took me over and yeah, I’d go delirious as a hound on a fox hunt, trying to find the prey. But I was up against a billion other competitors, and barely stood a chance.

And then someone else would always shout “Bingo!” while all the rest of us cursed “Shit!” then shriveled up and died.

Then in a flash I’d pop back into the spirit world, feeling more electric and alive than ever. What fun I’d had! And the disappointment from not reaching the egg vanished like a cloud in a sunburst.

But not this time. No, fuck no, not this time. This time for some crazy reason, I guess by pure luck, I happened to land in the strongest sperm cell of all. And I swam like Michael Phelps himself. This time, there I was, right at the lead, looking and feeling like a champ. Suddenly, right before my little tadpole eye, loomed the gigantic golden egg itself.

A couple of strong swimmers pulled up beside me, and it was a race to the finish. My delirium swept me into a vicious madness. I tripped up one of my competitors by grabbing its tail, and whipped the other in the face with my own writhing tail. And then, whoosh! I plunged straight into the face of the sun!

But so did a few hundred others. We all started chewing like we were in a pie-eating contest, on this delicious egg, trying to be the first to penetrate the shell.

Suddenly I felt a crunch and a caving in, and the thrill vibe surged through me like a billion volts of alternating current. The biggest orgasm I’d had in eons coursed through my soul, blowing my mind out and dissolving me into a misty field of nothingness.

All faded to white.

I was the first to bust through the egg. I won the race! I was conceived, and became a human embryo.

Damn!

This was not what I expected or wanted. No, not before the delirium overtook me. Because every rational minded spirit knows what birth into the physical realm entails. Especially human birth. It is hell. The worst of hells.

It is the perception of mortality, and a struggle for survival every moment of your existence. It’s a bad trip, where your mind grows deluded and desperate. Nothing makes sense, unless you trick yourself into thinking you know everything. You find yourself blindly following a maze, and every direction you attempt to go ends up in a different, unintended vector.

No, the spiritual realm is the best place to be, even for a degenerate like me. A smart spirit only wants to dally with the physical realm. To live for just a few hours or days as an unsuccessful sperm is good enough. It’s a momentary joy ride, that breaks up the equanimous bliss of eternity. And it also helps us to advance a little bit spiritually. Not nearly as fast as one advances if born into the physical realm, but eventually, after a hell of a long time and a whole lot of sperm rides, we can get back up there with the most advanced beings.

To get trapped in the physical realm is not what anyone wants. But it does happen from time-to-time. And on this rare occasion it happened to me. I guess it was my turn to be the unlucky lucky one.

The sperm cell roadster I’d carjacked contained an X and Y chromosome. And so, in just nine human months, I was destined to become a baby boy.

Come on back in a few days, or so, for the next installment of The Birth of Tippy Gnu, entitled, The First Trimester, Part 1: Mom and Dad.