630 miles and his legs were cramping, his back was getting scoliosis, and his hypnotized eyes were following the dashed lines on the highway into dreamland. But even worse, the bran flakes he had for breakfast were sending musical telegrams through the borborygmus of his bowels. He felt the urge to find a room.
Elroy cranked the steering wheel into the first hotel he found.
Lockdowns and social distancing rules had recently ended, and cabin fever tourists like himself crammed the lobby. He had to wait a long time for his turn at the front desk, while tightening his butt cheeks. “Room for one, just for the night,” he blurted out to the petite young blonde behind the counter.
“Certainly, sir,” she typed something into the keyboard, then looked up from the monitor. “Will that be shitting or non-shitting?”
He was caught a bit off guard by that question, and just stood there staring blankly for a moment. “Excuse me?” he eventually queried.
“Shitting or non-shitting, sir?” the blonde smiled, all business-like, with fingers on her keyboard, poised for a reply.
“Uh, I don’t understand. What do you mean?”
“Well sir, if you choose non-shitting, then you’ll only be able to go #1 in your toilet, and not #2. If you do do a #2, you’ll be charged a $200 room freshening fee.”
“I’ve never heard of such a thing before,” Elroy mused, feeling a little flushed with irritation. “But I’ve got to go, so of course I’ll choose shitting.”
“Very good, sir,” the pretty clerk cheerfully offered. “Now let’s see . . .” clackety-clack went her fingers, seemingly forever, as she gazed into the monitor, “ . . . looks like we have one shitting room left. That will be 50 extra dollars, for a total of $140, plus $53.75 in taxes and resort fees. So I’ll charge your card $193.75 for the night.”
This was well above Elroy’s budget. “Look,” Elroy remonstrated, “I’m not even going to get into it with you over the resort fee thing. Been there, done that, with other hotels. It ain’t right, but I know I can’t fight it. But this shitting room charge, this is ridiculous!” his voice rising with every syllable. “Who ever heard of charging someone $50 to take a shit?!!” Now he was kind of shouting. And he shook his fist in the air.
The smile on the pretty blonde’s face evaporated, as her lips pursed in fear. She took a step backward. “Sir . . . sir . . . I’m sorry but I don’t set the rates here,” her voice trembled. “Would . . . would you like . . . like to spe-speak with my supe-supervisor?”
Elroy hated to scare people, and immediately felt horribly ashamed at his outburst. But by-goddamnit, this shitting charge was an outrage! Still, it wasn’t her fault. She was just an employee following her training. He forcibly collected himself. He took inventory of his bowels. And he got an idea. He had noticed a supermarket about a block away, as he was driving to the hotel.
He lowered his voice and tried to reassure her. “I’m sorry, ma’am,” he spoke with soothing tones. “It’s not your fault. Tell you what. I just now felt it go back up inside me, so I don’t think I’ll need a shitting room. I’ll take a non-shitter.”
And for a savings of $50, Elroy got himself a room. The first thing he did after he stepped inside, was rush into the bathroom, drop his trousers, and cut about five large loaves into the pellucid waters of the porcelain throne.
Fuck their shitting and non-shitting rooms, Elroy smugly concluded as he gasped with relief. Anyway, how would they know?
By the stink-ass smell, of course. But Elroy had a plan for that. As soon as he finished his business, he planned to walk down to that supermarket and buy a can of air freshener. Then he was going to spray the hell out of the bathroom. And God knows, it needed it. He crinkled his nose.
He stood up, flushed the toilet, and hitched up his pants. But suddenly, as the last gurgling gasps of the plumbing faded away, an alarm went off over his head.
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
It scared the crap out of him. Figuratively, of course, as his cannon had already spent its ammo. He looked up and spied a round device on the ceiling that resembled a smoke detector. He immediately sprang up onto the edge of the tub, in an attempt to reach this tattletale alarm and silence it.
But then came a thundunkerous pounding on his door.
He swung the door open and came face-to-face with the petite, blonde clerk. How the hell was this frail-looking thing able to knock so hard? he wondered.
“Sir, the stink alarm has gone off in your room,” she sternly advised him. “Did you take a shit in there?” Then the effluvium hit her and she twisted her face. “Eww, you did, didn’t you?”
“Please, I was desperate,” he begged. “I’m going to clean it up with air-freshener. I promise!”
But none of poor Elroy’s begging and pleading could sway her. Rules are rules and policies are policies. She was sympathetic but firm. His card would be charged an extra $200.
Learn a lesson from Elroy. Never choose a hotel in a hurry. Take time to check out all their fees and rules before you walk in their door. On top of exorbitant taxes, you may find a nebulous resort fee, an outrageous parking fee, wi-fi fees, early check-in fees, early departure fees, late-arrival lockouts, cancellation fees, minibar charges, extra person fees, fridge fees, linen fees, and yes, even toilet paper fees.
You could even be charged for writing a bad Yelp review.
Elroy’s story is fictional. So far, I’ve never heard of shitting and non-shitting rooms. But I wouldn’t be surprised if something like that is next. And if it should happen to you, my advise is to lay off bran flakes, and all other forms of roughage, for a few days before your trip. You can always have an enema after you return home.
This tip alone could save you hundreds of dollars.
Categories: Travel
That was great; you out-dung yourself. Thanks for the laugh.
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Thanks. I hope you were moved.
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Yes, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face even after reading it the turd time.
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Wow, I’m so flushed with pride.
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I told myself not to read the comments, especially yours But…..oh I think I need a walk outside for fresh air! 🙂
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I would think that you would skip ahead to find my comments first.
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Ha Ha! 🙂
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I’ll join you.
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Nice blog ✨
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Thanks.
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It’s not far off. There’s a ton of virus in that shit and piss… Flushing makes it all an aerosol that fills the bathroom/ and hotel room. Hotels will probably have to provide extra cleaning in their shitting rooms. Extra service, extra fees. Room service in reverse.
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With the kind of stuff that likely goes on in hotel rooms, I would think this would be lower on the list.
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Good point. Maybe they’ll come up with copulating or non-copulating rooms.
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Don’t take a black light in there.
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Well hell. I guess I better stop eating fruits and vegetables when I go on a trip.
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Or make like a bear and shit in the woods.
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Huh, so THAT’s where bears shit.
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Yeah and they even have Charmin
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I know. Bears endorse Charmin, right there on the packaging.
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See you’re all set. Who needs a motel?
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Not me. I’m sheltering in place these days.
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Why would that be? 😉
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Abject fear and tremulous terror.
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Fear shmear
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Hmm. So you’re one of those who scoff at fear, eh?
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No. But don’t tell Tippy!
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Heh-heh. A little fear is a wise thing to have, I think.
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Truly!
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OOOH I…. yeah, sometimes there are just no words!! To think that I have been told by you, Colin and Jason before that you all “worry” about me ….! I think you all are worrying about the wrong person! LOL! Was a bowlful of bran flakes for breakfast your inspiration for this post? Actually you don’t have to answer that, suffice to say that even though I may “worry” about you, this post did cause laughter, I can’t deny! 🙂
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No need to worry about me. I’m just a savvy traveler passing on some advice. I suggest that on your next vacation, you call ahead to each hotel you plan to stay in, and ask what they charge for shitting rooms. Or else I will worry about you.
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I will try my best to remember that! Would hate for you to have to worry!
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“Fuck their shitting and non-shitting rooms, Elroy smugly concluded as he gasped with relief. Anyway, how would they know?” This exact thought was going through my head, you’d flush and wait awhile and who would be the wiser? Oops. Next time, carry a bottle of Poo-Pourri (the before-you-go toilet spray) in your luggage. Here is a link to their site: https://video.search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?hsimp=yhs-att_001&hspart=att&p=poo+pourri+commercial+you+tube#id=0&vid=c45ef441f1f1c021481b62f748525561&action=click. Also liked your made-up word “thundunkerous.” Still LOL. 🙂
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Poo-Pourri is a good idea. I think that could thwart any shitting and non-shitting room policy.
Thanks. I think thundunkerous should be added to the dictionary.
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The hotel sounds like a dump…
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Yeah, it’s kind of gone down the tubes. Especially the shitting rooms.
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Sounds like the clerk has her shit together though…
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They probably allow her to use a shitting room, as one of the perqs of her job.
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Such a perq is a sure way to attract qualified candidates.
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Oh gosh!
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🤓
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Are you bored? How the hell did you come up with this idea?! And what the hell does “borborygmus” mean? Do you have a dictionary with you at all times?
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Yes. I don’t know. No, but I once read the dictionary cover-to-cover. It’s a good read, because it includes all the words ever written, and thus frees you from having to read anything else ever again.
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Did you sing it?
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No. It doesn’t rhyme well enough to sing it.
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Well with your great talents, I thought you could make it work.
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Nice try. But if I allowed myself to be flattered with compliments like that, I’d never run out of things to do.
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Come on..
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Oh, alright.
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Now you’re talkin!
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Gee, I think I might have heard those exact words recently! Haha!
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Hmm, I guess the word is out.
I like your new gravatar. It’s sunny and cheery.
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Thanks! Every so often I do like pics of myself. 🙂 Though it seems like its not showing up all the time, will see if it does here. It didn’t on the last blog I commented on. Perhaps yours has unicorn magic!
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I think it takes awhile. You must be patient with WordPress.
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