The Fuck You CDC Mask

My wife has designed something she calls the Fuck You CDC mask. She’s very much against lockdowns, and believes the government is communistic, dictatorial, and overreaching when it tells us to stay home and orders businesses to shut down. So she has an attitude that’s willing to rebel against any CDC requirement.

However, she partially agrees with the CDC on the issue of facemasks. But only for wearing while indoors at businesses, and not outdoors where few people are around. Wearing them outdoors is just plain unnecessary and stupid, according to her. Fortunately, our county no longer requires them outdoors, so she’s no longer in danger of being cited.

She also doesn’t like CDC’s design for a mask. It’s painful, hot, and suffocating, and she wonders if the CDC might be trying to kill us with this mask.

Here’s the design, in case you disagree with her and want to go with the CDC recommendation: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/prevent-getting-sick/diy-cloth-face-coverings.html

She’s a handy seamstress, and made her first masks using the CDC design. She even made a bunch for some nurses at a local hospital. But after wearing them for awhile, herself, she decided these masks are bullshit, and are not suitable for human use.

A supermodel showing off the Fuck You CDC mask. This particular mask is a little on the long side. Most of the masks my wife has made only hang about six inches below the nose.

So she redesigned the Bullshit CDC mask into the Fuck You CDC mask. This mask is much less uncomfortable to wear, and is her way of saying “fuck you” to the CDC. It’s still uncomfortable, as any mask will be if you wear it long enough. But it is not nearly as painful, hot, and suffocating as CDC’s bullshit mask.

She eliminated the elastic bands that go around the ear. These damned torture restraints pull painfully on the ears when you wear them for long periods of time. She replaced the bands with bias tape cloth ties that wrap around the head and tie in the back. After you tie them once, you never have to tie them again. You simply slip the mask over your head, to put it on or take off.

Also, there’s only one set of ties. The mask ties at the top, and that’s it. There are no bottom ties. Yes, technically bottom ties seem necessary, to comply with the CDC requirement that masks fit snugly against the side of the face. But fuck you, CDC! Bottom ties make masks suffocatingly tight, and impossible to comply with the CDC’s other requirement, that masks allow for breathing without restriction.

Besides, even without bottom ties, I’ve found that the Fuck You CDC mask does a good job at holding against the sides of the face. But it does so without pressing the mask against the mouth and restricting breathing. And it stays against the side of the face even when coughing or sneezing.

She makes the ties 18 inches long, and this length allows for an option in wearing, besides tying behind the head. Rather, you can drape the ties over your ears, and the weight of the dangling bias tape material will be sufficient to hold the mask in place.

Also, if some store manager tells you that your mask must have bottom ties, there’s enough slack to allow you to drape the ties over your ears, then wrap them under, and tie them in place below your chin.

But that suffocates, because it pulls the mask against your mouth. So you only want to wear the mask this way in the unlikely event that you’re required to wear it this way. Allowing the bottom of the mask to hang loose like an apron makes breathing much easier, and complies with the CDC requirement of having unrestricted breathing.

To further aid in breathing, she sews a vertical pleat down the middle of the mask. This creates an air pocket below the nose and around the mouth. In addition to easier breathing, the air pocket makes the mask cooler to wear.

She cuts the cloth layers of the mask to two 10-inch wide by 7-inch long rectangles. But the 10-inch width narrows to 7 inches at the top, and 9 inches at the bottom, after she creates the pleat, and connects the two layers using a half-inch seam.

The Fuck You CDC mask hangs loosely from the nose, down to around the chin. Since there’s no bottom tie, it’s open from below and allows the convenience of drinking through a straw, slurping poisonous coffee, or picking your teeth with a toothpick.

My wife believes this mask will protect OTHERS from the wearer, if the wearer fails to sneeze or cough into their arm. But she says it will NOT protect the wearer FROM others if they’re not wearing a mask, and they sneeze or cough into the open air.

Personally, I feel skeptical about the Fuck You CDC mask protecting anybody. But then again, I feel skeptical about all cloth facemasks, as I doubt their effectiveness at blocking airborne particles as fine as a virus. According to an article in USA Today, cloth surgical masks won’t block fine particles, and the only mask that will keep you from inhaling the coronavirus is the N95.

Even the CDC was against most people wearing cloth facemasks, until they changed their mind in mid-April. Now they claim that cloth facemasks will slow virus particles down, so that when someone coughs or sneezes, the virus won’t travel as far from the mouth. Perhaps, but it will still get into the circulating air of a building, and in more concentrated form.

Seems to me like it’s safer for people to cough or sneeze into their arms. But I suspect people are less inclined to do this when they believe the mask they’re wearing is protecting the air around them.

In fact, coughing or sneezing into the arm seems to have been dropped from public education campaigns, since the mask requirement came into being. I sure haven’t noticed it. So even the CDC seems to have fallen into the false sense of security of mask wearing.

If it’s true that a cloth facemask slows the velocity of a virus (and it may well be), then the mask must be able to stay in place when sneezing or coughing, and not flop around like an 18-wheeler’s mudflap. I’ve found that the Fuck You CDC mask does stay in place when coughing or sneezing. So if cloth really can slow the velocity of a virus down, this redesign will do it, in my view. For what that’s worth.

The redesign also succeeds at another thing. Admission. When I wear my Fuck You CDC mask, I’m allowed admission into supermarkets, drug stores, and doctors’ offices. Nobody has yet challenged my Fuck You CDC mask.

It’s a little uncomfortable, but not too bad. It’s bearable. And it’s much less uncomfortable than that damned, Bullshit CDC mask.

51 comments

  • Had a lab-rat science guy I know tell me a cloth mask is like a N-20 — meaning will slow or block about 20 percent of virus particles. Not nearly as good as N-95, but it’s not nothing. I would definitely prefer the fuck you to the bullshit mask. When I wear the bullshit one, I instantly start sweating, and I’m sure everyone around me thinks I have a fever.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s nice to know they do some good, if just a little. A lot of people don’t like the bullshit mask with the bottom tie, and I feel sorry for people with jobs, such as hospital workers, that require them to wear them all day.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Seems like the fuck you mask would also be better than nothing — who knows if it’s N-10 or 15-or 20 or 25?? Also would work well in liquor store robbery.

        Liked by 1 person

        • If only liquor stores were open. I was thinking right now would be an opportune time for a robbery, since a robber would blend in with everyone else wearing a mask. Except the banks and liquor stores are closed. However, convenience stores are still open.

          Liked by 1 person

  • I’m finding it a bit amusing that so many of us bloggers who have in the past refused to show our faces are now willing to show ourselves wearing masks. There’s probably a message in there somewhere, but I don’t know what that might be. Mrs. G’s mask is definitely nicer than mine, and her hair is much neater. Other than that, we look very much alike in our new attire.

    Liked by 1 person

  • A great supermodel! It was actually mandated that you guys wear masks outside? That is crazy! I see people wearing masks outside but don’t understand it i breathe in the fresh air as much as I can!
    I don’t know how the Drs and Nurses and all those who have to wear masks for long periods do it!

    Liked by 2 people

    • It was mandated for about a week. I think a bunch of people complained, and so they “clarified” the order, saying that masks weren’t required outdoors.
      Fresh air is one of the best things you can do for your lungs, in my view. Maybe that’s why those who are staying at home tend to be the one’s being hospitalized so much, for this virus.
      Yeah, I’d hate to wear a mask all day. Not only that, but they have to wear rubber gloves all the time too. Plus, they’re constantly taking them off and replacing them. That has to be very irritating for the skin.

      Like

      • I agree about the fresh air! Now on freezing cold days I am not exactly fond of it though!

        Yes, I am sure the ones who wear rubber gloves all the time use lots of hand lotion when they finally are able to take them off!

        Liked by 1 person

  • I don’t know if masks help or not, but they are a requirement in our state. People are using whatever is handy, nothing as professional as what your wife has designed. (Think paper towel + masking tape, bandana tied around face like a bank robber, Halloween leftovers…) It is a nice photo of Mrs Gnu and her breathable creation. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks. My wife has shown me some Facebook photos of people wearing strange contrivances on their faces. The funniest was an older couple wearing Kotex masks. I’m very lucky to have a wife who knows how to sew.

      Liked by 1 person

  • Your wife has got some skill. I tend to agree with her on the covid thing. I’ve not once worn a mask when I’m out and as you know I’m immune compromised. My Hubby is working all day mask free and we’re good. The way we see it, if it’s meant to happen it will regardless. Thankfully wearing them is not mandatory here. I’d also feel claustrophobic in them. I hate anything touching my face.

    Liked by 1 person

  • I fashioned mine like a bandana ~> similar to your wife’s, it’s open at the bottom so I can breathe . . . for now. Once I get Covid-19, it’s anyone’s guess whether I’ll still be able to breathe.

    Liked by 1 person

  • First-world problem, dude.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Maybe so, but I’m glad my wife found a solution.

      Liked by 1 person

      • So if I could ask, if your wife doesn’t trust the CDC, who does she trust for advice on stuff around these topics?

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t know. I just know she hates lockdowns and closed businesses. She’s not the intellectual type. She just goes with that thing that some people seem to disdain, called gut instinct.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I’m always curious where people draw that line between gut instinct and trusting others. My car breaks down… yeah I’ll seek out a mechanic. Need to learn a differential equation to describe shear stress in a bridge beam, I’ll likely ask a professor or an engineer. But get me on a crowded row full of busy bars and I have to pick which one my buddies went into… yeah, I call their cells, and when they don’t answer, it’s gut instinct. I think we all have instinctive responses to things, and at other times trust people who aren’t us, it’s just different levels where we draw that line I suppose. Makes things interesting, for sure.

            Liked by 1 person

  • In a lot of Asia, masks are pretty commonplace. In the spring, maybe one in eight people at a Japanese train station will be wearing one… mostly women who didn’t put on makeup in the morning. The Japanese have a dry sense of humor about them… Just saw an “izakaya” (drinking establishment) facemask with a removable screw-on mouth cover, and I have some 100-yen store masks with a mustache and a cigarette printed on them. So much for the facial recognition software.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve noticed that from news clips I’ve seen of Japan and elsewhere, that facemasks are common. I’ll bet the U.S. will be the same after this epidemic is over. Some people will still wear the masks. It seems to have given birth to a whole new industry for us.

      Liked by 1 person

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