Cranky Pants has submitted another unicorn beam to Chasing Unicorns. Thank you, CP. By the way, anyone can submit a unicorn beam, by emailing me at TippyGnu@gmx.com. If it seems like a unicorn to me, based upon my criteria, I’ll post it.
Cranky Pants lives in the hyperborean reaches of northern Alberta. This is a land that is far, far away, eternally covered in ice, and under about a thousand feet of snow, where the wind constantly blows a hundred kilometers per hour (not miles per hour, because this is Canada), and where the temperature never exceeds 0 degrees C (the C stands for Canadian).
You’d think they wouldn’t have to worry about the coronavirus in such a far-off land, but no it’s there also. And so are bumbling bureaucrats. And even there, one never knows what to fear most, the virus or the health department.
Cranky Pants is sharing with us the bizarre, confusing lockdown rules she and her fellow Albertians must follow. As if we weren’t familiar with them already. But living so far away in such a distant land, how could she know it’s the same where we’re at, as where she’s at?
These universal lockdown rules reflect the comedy/tragedy of humankind’s response to the coronavirus. Thank you, Cranky Pants, for the following submission:
Lockdown Rules
Well this is both funny/not funny and true.
The Rules:
1. Basically, you can’t leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.
2. Masks are useless, but maybe you have to wear one, it can save you, it is useless, but maybe it is mandatory as well.
3. Stores are closed, except those that are open.
4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick.
5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.
6. Gloves won’t help, but they can still help.
7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it’s important to GO OUT.
8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.
9. The virus has no effect on children except those it affects.
10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms. Oh, my..
12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand and it’s better not to go out, well, but no…
13. It’s better to get some fresh air, but you get looked at very wrong when you get some fresh air, and most importantly, you don’t go to parks or walk. But don’t sit down, except that you can do that now if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant (but not too old).
14. You can’t go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication.
15. If you are sick, you can’t go out, but you can go to the pharmacy.
16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn’t wear masks or gloves. But you have to have your groceries decontaminated outside for 3 hours. Pizza too?
17. Every disturbing article or disturbing interview starts with “I don’t want to trigger panic, but…”
18. You can’t see your older mother or grandmother, but you can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.
19. You can walk around with a friend but not with your family if they don’t live under the same roof.
20. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn’t say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily.
22. The virus stays in the air – well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe.
23. We count the number of deaths but we don’t know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were “almost dead” to find out if that’s what they will die of…
24. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take too much (which is the case with all medications). Orange man bad.
25. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates… but we must no longer be locked up for that?
Categories: coronavirus
That post was written by a true Canajun eh! 🙂
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Canajun? Is that an alternative to Canuck? I’ve never heard that before. It almost sounds like Cajun, which is what we call folks from Louisiana.
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I was wondering the same thing!
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Perhaps Colin has unwittingly divulged a Canadian secret.
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It looks like a book about how Canadians speak.
I think I know of one Canadian who speaks with an English accent.
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I think you do to. The English comes from the first 30 years. The Canadian was by choice, and from the past 40 years. 🙂
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Sigh…
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I’m no expert on Canada. You frozen northerners are gonna have to ‘splain this stuff to me.
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What am I splainin?
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You’re ‘splainin what the heck is a Canajun.
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Me
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Is Canajun an Indian word that means “Cranky Pants”?
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How did you know?!
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I’m smartz.
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so mi smartz iz rubing offf onyou?!
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Apparently.
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Ow come I not never ad none of dem smarts thinghs?
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You gots to git ’em.
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I’ve known a few gits, and they ain’t got none neever.
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Well you gots to git those gits to go git ’em.
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Nah! Waste a time. Gits got no brains werf menshunning.
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Well, hell.
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Totally.
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Ooooh the question of the day! I could answer it for you, because I do have have the smartz! 🙂
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If “have have” defines your smartz, you may as well pick up your shovel yet again and start digging. 🙂
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Fortunately for me the “have have” does not define my smartz, it was just a RARE typo. 🙂
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Delusional as well! No hope!
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Oh but I do remember a certain quote that you have said before. …”there is always hope”… 😊.
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Are you sure she’s smartz enough to know how to dig?
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Valid point.
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I say not!
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It I don’t have the “smartz” to dig how can I possibly dig a hole so deep and have such a worn out shovel like you both claim??
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U lern gud yong grasehopr
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You know it. Eh?!
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Hey … Northern Alberta? Doesn’t get much more Canajan than that eh! 🙂
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Sure doesn’t! Not where I want to spend the rest of my life. We are not from Alberta originally. We are from Ontario. We’d like to get back home but got stuck up here with work and housing prices.
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Ontariariario eh! My kind of Province … which is why I live here! 🙂
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Oh really?! I miss it. What part do you live in? I was born and raised there.
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Oakville … just West of Toronto,
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I know of Oakville. I’m sure I’ve been there at some point in my life. I was in KW.
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These are great! Humor makes you laugh which is healthy for your heart, so make sure you keep getting a full dose of it each day! Plus it makes you warm since it gets your blood flowing so Canadians especially need it, being that they live in the land of the forever snow! 🙂
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Yes, the Canadians need a good sense of humor, to take their minds off their endless work shoveling snow.
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Our sense of humour is simply our coping strategy re our neighbours to the South. 🙂
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That was a good one, eh?
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Damn right it was eh!
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Haha! It’s funny to hear what Americans think we live in. While we do still have some snow on the ground now it’s warmer and mostly t-shirt weather now. That being said, we can still get snow into May and on the odd occasion June. May is usually the latest. March is usually the worst month for snow here. This year it snowed relentlessly all of March. We got more snow that month than all of winter combined. lol Snowbanks were over 8 feet high. Not fun at all for shovelling which a I had to do numerous times a day to keep up while Hubby was at work.
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I do not envy you!
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You and me both. LOL
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But hey, at least you have a golden shovel to use in the snow! I bet no one else does. 😊
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Ha! Yes and a dog that is full of shit.
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You mean you’re not always buried under a thousand feet of snow? This is disillusioning.
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No we are not. Although it feels like it sometimes. It’s warm today. I’m in a t-shirt but there’s still some snow on our lawn melting off. And for the record, we do not live in igloos.
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Awh I wanted to see a picture of your igloo! 🙂
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LOL sorry to disappoint.
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I will try to get over it! 🙂
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Here’s a glass of wine and some snow to help. 😉
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You are so kind! 😊
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I’m just the best. Ahaha!
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Thats right, I saw Tippy tell you that, so he can’t deny it! You have it in black and white! 🙂
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That’s right I do! And he better not delete it from our blog if he knows what’s good for him.
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“Our blog”? So now it’s “our blog”? When are you going to get your own blog?
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Well yes. Umm..Hmm.. my own blog? Why when we have this one?
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Sigh, I’m gonna have to start charging space rent.
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My check will be in the mail…just watch for it!
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Hey .. slow down! Since when did TG and I share our blog with you? 🙂
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This is all starting to seem like communism, to me.
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Well she started it!
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I know. She likes to stir the pot, that way.
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Lol! It’s definitely your blog too, but I don’t know about TG?
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Okay … so the burning question must be .. should we share our blog with TG?
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I really wish you would.
Wait a second, this is MY blog.
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Really? I think not.
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I think so. I have the ownership certificate.
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Oh yes … you may well own it, but it is still our Blog. Would you like to use it?
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Yes I would. I have dibs on Thursday.
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Not sure about Thursday. How long do you want it for?
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Just long enough to kick the rest of you guys out.
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We will really have to think about that one.
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Wait, its my blog too. 🙂
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Yes, sometimes you are the best.
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Sometimes?
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Now and then.
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Which really means always in American right?
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Occasionally.
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I never said you did live in igloos. But I might have thought it.
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I knew you did. And you probably think we travel on sleds..
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Yes. But motorized sleds. I’m not that backward thinking.
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Well if you consider cars motorized sled then..
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Hey, I have another funny one:
President Trump supports those protesting the stay-at-home orders but also doesn’t think that the stay-at-home orders should be lifted at this time. He maintains full decision making authority depending on what the state governors decide, unless they are Democrats in which case the states should be liberated or its population punished. He maintains that this virus is a significant health crisis that could take years to effectively deal with unless it miraculously goes away which he also thinks will happen because it is hoax that we should ignore because its severity was covered up and we were misled into thinking that it wasn’t as serious as it really is. Make America Confused-as-Hell Again.
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LOL! I do believe you nailed it. 🙂
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Inspiring leadership, wouldn’t you say?
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Inspiring Confusion, most definitely!
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Yep, this is both funny and true. In fact, your comment sounds like one of Trump’s daily briefings. I think it was during Saturday’s briefing that he said the lockdowns should be ended. Then on Sunday he was talking about how great the lockdowns were.
I’m sure confused as hell. Maybe Trump’s one of those damned moderates.
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He’s an Ambigucrat.
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And a Testing-The-Winds crat.
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How about he’s just full of crat?
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Indeed. Or maybe he’s a crappycrat.
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You can say that again. Both President and out PM.
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Jason: If I can tempt you over to my Blog tomorrow, I believe the Post will interest you! 🙂
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Well now I am curious. 🙂
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He didn’t mean you, he meant Jason.
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😛 But I still can be curious!
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Curios or nosy?
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Oh gosh, curioUs, with a “U”, that you apparently forgot.
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No, I didn’t forget it. While I was typing, the “U” key jumped up and ran off the keypad.
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Oh OoooK that sounds totally logical! (Cough…cough!!)
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OK. I followed you so it should show in my reader.
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🙂
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Your President is as bad or maybe not as bad in some ways as our Prime Minister. Our PM is an absolute nightmare. Worst in Canadian history as far as I’m concerned. The stupid thing is people didn’t learn the first time around. His father was also our Prime Minister in the 80’s and one of the most hated back then.
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Our president is a braying jack-ass. If you can beat that then we should both move to Mexico I guess.
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We can beat it. Our PM is giving all Canadian money too other countries and not taking care of his own. So much so that it’s going to take many years to undo the financial debt he’s sunk us into. Add in we were recently told not to speak moistly so as not to spread the virus. Umm…moistly? It’s been a big joke around here. Then there’s the water drinking boxes he lied about using in a speech about recycling. Someone called him on it and he stumbled around and blurted out something about water boxes. Let me see what else…He’s told us we are not to go to summer cottages for self isolation but to stay home. He’s said this from his family cottage…He’s horrible. Worse than Trump in ways.
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Don’t speak moistly? He could have just said, “Say it, don’t spray it.”
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He’s such and idiot.
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I think my President just won the moron contest by suggesting that people ingest disinfectant and irradiate themselves with ultra-violet light.
I living in the world of headlines from The Onion.
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Oh man I hadn’t heard that one yet. LOL
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https://arstechnica.com/science/2020/04/disinfectants-help-kill-the-coronavirus-but-please-dont-drink-them/
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I’ll check it out.
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Bat shit crazy comes to mind. Sigh…Trudeau is not much better.
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Yes, but you’ll have to admit, our president is the bigger jack-ass.
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😄
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I’d say about the same.
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Can Trudeau top that?
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He’s definitely right up there.
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Maybe the two are peas in a pod.
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Definitely.
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Did you see the email I sent?
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Yes. I’ve sent you a response.
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And back at ya
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No. What do you think? That I have spyware and read others’ email.
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Lol Yes. You could be a Trump spy..
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Too funny. My pants would be cranky too if I had to try to decipher what that all means. Oh, wait, I do, because Trump is just as bad. We’re basically just guessing anyway, how it spreads, who it is most likely to affect, what helps or doesn’t. And the country has gone nuts. Let’s give all the students A’s? Allow lawyers to continue defending clients in ZOOM court with no pants on? Have Amish people cease their quilting bees to mass produce masks that may or may not be useless? Someone said yesterday that New York City has a surplus of ventilators, they are offering them to anyone who needs them. Answer me this, why are nine patients sharing the same ventilator if they have enough to give away???
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It seems confusion is just as global as the virus. I hear people say that they won’t listen to Trump, they’re only listening to the experts. But the experts don’t seem to be in much agreement with each other. It seems it will take years of research before the experts have a solid handle on this disease, and by then it will probably be past. So anybody’s guess is just about as good as anybody else’s, as far as I’m concerned.
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Not to mention, viruses mutate. So while we’re getting a handle on COVID-19, the virus is already morphing into something our bodies won’t recognize or have immunity to. Like flu, that’s why there is a new vaccine every year and people still get the flu anyway. It isn’t possible to predict what the virus will do or become.
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Agreed. Although some “experts” have said that this virus will probably not mutate for many years. Then again, other “experts” are saying otherwise.
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Not to mention the talk of micro chipping with a “vaccine.” Umm..no thanks. I’ll take my chances. If it’s my time to go, it’s my time to go.
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Microchipping? You mean they want to implant a microchip in you when you get the vaccine? Hoo-boy. And I’ll bet everyone is for it.
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There is a lot of talk about it yes. And no, no one is for it. If they are they’d be crazy.
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Good, I’m glad no one is for it. There’s hope for this world.
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Fingers crossed.
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I rather suspect that the “real” experts are not the ones making the announcements. The PR job is being done my bureaucrats who are being pressured to say something without creating a mass panic. I.e. Ignore the facts, what little we have of them, and just say something reassuring. We constantly hear about testing going on in order to understand what we are dealing with … which immediately creates a lack of credibility in anything concrete that is said.
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That sounds about right. Real scientists admit when they don’t know something, and tell us more study is needed. What we’re seeing on TV are PR pundits and other folks, who are only marginally “experts” on this matter. Good point about testing, also.
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There are hardly words anymore. Our PM is telling people no going to cottages for holiday to self isolate stay home. He’s telling us this from his family cottage. (Not that we have one anyway) but you get the point.
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So when he was sworn in, did he take the hypocritic oath?
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Don’t even get me started. It seems he likes to give all Canadian’s money to other countries and not take care of his own. See you got me started..
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Stop now! 🛑 Well hell, too late.
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I warned you!
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I’ve been frustrated with Prime Ministers before but this guy is dangerous. I think he’s communist.
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Giving away all the nation’s treasury to other countries does sound kind of like communism. Or at least, a foolish fiscal practice. What does he hope Canada will receive in return?
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He honestly doesn’t give a shit about Canada. Add in he cares even less about Alberta. He even forgot to name our province in his list of provinces.
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That will probably cost him a few Albertian votes.
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Like all of Alberta
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You might want to cut him some slack. He’s probably been partaking of all that legal marijuana you can get now, in Canada.
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Lol likely
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Reblogged this on Notizen 2021 and commented:
Der beste Beitrag zu dieser Panhysterie, den ich bisher gelesen habe. Einfach grossartig, wie dieser ganze Irrsinn an sinnlosen Vorschriften, Warnungen und Drohungen auf den Punkt gebracht wird. Das Gefährlichste an Corona Covid ist nicht der Tod, sondern die Auswirkung auf das Gehirn und die Freiheit der Meinung. Wer diese vom Mainstream abweichende Meinung nicht akzeptieren will, beweist ihre Richtigkeit.
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