Trump Burns Flag on Fifth Avenue
New York City, New York (FakeNoozNetwork) — Donald Trump is famously quoted as bragging, “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, ok? It’s like incredible.”
He’s been widely criticized for this brag, and yet it seems like it could be true. For all his shenanigans, double-dealing and diablerie, his job approval rating has remained remarkably stable throughout his presidency, at 40% to 44%.
In fact even now, in the middle of the Ukraine scandal, where he faces near-certain impeachment, polling data from Real Clear Politics has his approval at a hair under 43% (as of 10/15/19).
He may have sold America out for political dirt, but that’s different from murder. Murder is a whole different ballgame. He hasn’t shot anyone yet, so his brag hasn’t truly been tested.
Recently, Trump was taunted by his personal attorney. Not Giuliani. Bill Barr. Barr and Trump were enjoying a friendly beer and Diet Coke, when Barr brought up the fact that Trump hasn’t shot anyone yet. And he inferred that maybe he was too chicken. Barr teasingly goaded Trump, claiming that the president really did worry how voters would react if he were to actually shoot someone on Fifth Avenue.
Trump responded that he was too nice of a guy to shoot anyone. In fact, there was never anyone nicer than himself. He also pointed out that the bone spurs in his feet might make it difficult for him to aim accurately.
But because Trump is a master at the art of the deal, he had to make a counteroffer. So he told his attorney that instead of shooting someone, he would do something else outrageous. He would burn the American flag on that popular and busy street. And he predicted that it would not cost him any voters.
Last night the president followed through. He held a campaign rally on Fifth Avenue, in New York City. And in the middle of the festivities, he waved an American flag in the air. Then, before a clapping, whistling, cheering, audience, he struck a match and set fire to Old Glory.
The crowd removed their red MAGA caps, out of respect for the flag, and chanted, “Make America Great Again!” as the Stars and Stripes disintegrated to ashes before their eyes.
It’s too early to know the effect this flag-burning will have on Trump’s job approval rating, but we can gain some idea from street interviews of Trump supporters, who were asked to comment on this event.
Gertrude Polk, from Kikmesine, Oklahoma, explained, “Trump was purifying the flag with fire, but I suppose the liberal, elite media will spin this to try to make him look unpatriotic.”
Hemo Quismery, from Shideater, Michigan, proclaimed, “He had his reasons. He’s the president, and possesses unmatched wisdom. Nobody sees the big picture better than him, so nobody should question him. I support whatever he does.”
And Philo Floothfield, from Nozepixer, Mississippi, defended Trump. “Dis heah is fake, fuggin’ nooz. But even if he done diddit, ah support him all da way. Trump’s dun mo’ fo’ ‘Merica dan eeny of ewe commies, an’ ewe ought ta be ‘shamed a yurselves fur evah doutin’ him. Amen.”
Critics have expressed concern that many Americans will follow Trump’s example and start burning American flags, themselves. And they worry that soon we won’t have any American flags left.
But that’s okay. Russia has been anticipating this exigency, and has filled a giant warehouse with its own flags, that it has offered to donate to us.
Latest word is that Trump is considering accepting this donation.