Guest Posts

Dear Mom

By on • ( 50 Comments )

Gibber Jabberin, one of the frequent commenters on this blog, has been away for a few days. Her mother passed away, and she has been attending her funeral in Ontario.

She wasn’t told by her father just how sick her mother was, until it was too late for her to have any conversation with her. But Gibber has been estranged from her mother, and father, for many years. She once had a blog dedicated to discussing her issues concerning her parents and other family members. I wasn’t a follower at the time, but I’ve heard it was quite a lively blog.

There was much Gibber wanted her mother to understand about her, which she was unable to communicate, due to her mother being unwilling to listen, and due to her unexpected passing. And so, after her mother passed away, she wrote a letter to her, read that letter to her at a private visitation, and then left the letter in her casket.

The tragedy here, as I see it, is that she could never get her mother to listen to her while her mother was alive.

Take care to listen to your children. Even if you disagree with them, at least try to understand them. You can be close to those you disagree with, as long as you try to know what’s in their heart. That’s all it takes.

Here is the letter Gibber wrote:

Dear mom,

You died yesterday.
You decided I didn’t deserve to know you were sick. I’m not sure how I lost that right when all the abuse you and dad brought caused me to have to walk away for my own sanity. I’m not sure how that took away my right to being your daughter.
I found out you were dying two days before you did and therefore I had no chance to say the things I needed to say to you.
You died yesterday.
Your last email to me wished me a happy Birthday and then mentioned that you didn’t know what went wrong. I responded back that I wanted to tell you but you both wouldn’t listen. Then I never heard from you again.
You died yesterday
Blaming me once again for the family break, when I was the last one to contact you. I wasn’t the one that abused you.
You died yesterday
Thinking the worst of me, despite that fact that you’re the one who turned your back on me. You looked the other way when I was raped at ll. You looked the other way when your brother abused me, and out rightly told me you chose him over me. Your daughter. You looked the other way and told me I was a burden and you were too busy on many occasions when I had broken down with the heartache of it all.
You died yesterday
And despite it all I was trying to make it there to see you before you went.
You died yesterday
Forgetting that I was constantly there for you when you fought your first battle with kidney failure. I was there. For you. Despite the abuse.
You died yesterday
Thinking I hadn’t done enough, wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve to know you were sick.
You died yesterday
Never being a real mother too me. You both only had your own best interests in mind.
You died yesterday
Making me feel like I had to earn the right to be your child. Why couldn’t I just be your child because you were my mother? Why was so much expected of me? You were never grateful. You only saw what I didn’t do, not what I did do.
You died yesterday
Never sharing the experience of our first home, never looking after me in my illness. Only caring what was going on in your life and what I hadn’t done/been for you.
You died yesterday never protecting us from dad’s abuse. You chose to stay and allow him to abuse us and you. Why?
You died yesterday
Never being a real mother to me. It seemed you had no maternal instinct.
You died yesterday blaming me for everything.
You died yesterday
Missing out on so much. Oh how I wished you knew me. How I wished you knew how much you were missing out on.
You died yesterday
Never having a mind of your own or knowing who you were because dad wouldn’t allow it.
You died yesterday and I didn’t know who you really were. Nor did you know who I was. I only started learning who I was in my 40’s because I was away from you both and all the control. I liked who I became. You wouldn’t know that.
You died yesterday
Never sharing my grief or my joys.
You died yesterday
Never knowing how I grieved for us, how I longed for my family to be whole.
You died yesterday
Never taking responsibility for any of it. Never saying you’re sorry.
You died yesterday
Preaching Christianity but not really living it. Sadly you and Dale taught us how horrible it is. You were not good role models or representatives of God and who he is.
You died yesterday
Never knowing how badly you hurt me. You broke my heart because you thought I should pay. I lost the right to be there, to see you before you went, to say goodbye while you were still alive. You robbed so much from me and it was deliberate.
You died yesterday
And I never got to tell you goodbye in person.
You died yesterday
Leaving me to write you this letter that you will never hear
You died yesterday
And now I have to say it in this letter
You died yesterday
And I forgive you.
I forgive you for all the cruelty, neglect, betrayal, hurt, and heartache you caused.
You died yesterday
And I forgive you for dying.
Dying before I had the chance to say all this in person.
Once again.
I forgive you.
I love you.
I always loved you and I wish you knew that.
Goodbye for now
Mom.

Categories: Guest Posts

50 replies »

  1. That is very sad, I am sorry she was unable to be heard when her mother was alive.

    My mother saw me as her enemy, it has been over twenty years since I’ve spoken to her, unlike your friend I have no desire to but I feel for your friend. I used to tell myself that before she was my Mom she was an individual who got to decide who she liked and didn’t, I saved myself by not taking it personally and coming to accept that there are people we just don’t like. Yes tragic when it is your own daughter perhaps however I bet it made your friend a wonderful human being that never took the people around her for granted.

    Thank you for sharing this Tippy

    Liked by 2 people

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    • Yes, it’s always sad when we cannot be friends with our parents. But I find it encouraging when I encounter people who have overcome that and found their own happiness, in spite of their parents.

      I think many parents blow it, when they identify as authority figures, rather than life guides, and believe their status as parents entitles them to control their children. Especially after they’ve become adults. This seems to be partly the case with Gibber’s parents, and with so many others, including, to some degree, my own.

      Liked by 1 person

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    • I’m sorry you’re estranged as well. It’s interesting the feelings you don’t expect to feel once they’ve gone. My father is worse and I get to go deal with him today. I never thought I’d be interested in going to the funeral and in a sense I wasn’t. I mainly went to be there for my sister and my nephews. There have been some incredible gifts for me that I didn’t expect in going. First and foremost seeing my precious nephews for the fist time in 10 years. If it weren’t for them and sort of my sister I likely would not have gone. It’s been awful in one sense and so wonderful in others. I don’t regret having gone because had I not I would have missed out on more then I knew. It was also closure for me and I needed that.

      Liked by 4 people

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  2. My heart is full of emotions. (Glad that I keep tissues on my computer desk!) I am so sorry Gibber for the pain you endured, I can’t imagine!! I thank you for sharing something so personal with us. Your letter is written in such a painfully honest, but yet sadly beautiful way.
    My heart was especially stirred with the one thing you shared, that I will be back to comment on later.
    The other thing that stood out to me so much and warmed my heart, was how you spoke of forgiveness and love for your Mom! I have only learned to know you recently on Tippy’s blog, so can’t say I know a lot about you. I do know you love nachos and am thankful for the times that you have lent your shovel to me before to help “dig me out” of holes.
    BUT … reading this letter and those words for your Mom shows me the depth of your heart and the beautiful spirit you have! ❤
    I am very glad to have “met” you on here and wish you continued healing in this journey of yours!

    Liked by 3 people

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  3. Gib, you have my sincerest sympathy in the loss of your mom and in everything that happened to you. Your sharing of your private letter in this forum was so brave, and stirred up a lot of emotions in me. I hope your heart can be at peace now. XXX Joan

    Liked by 4 people

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  4. I am so sorry for this loss of yours. And I’m so glad you’ve been able to forgive so that you can begin to let go of the pain of it all; holding resentment and anger in our hearts only poisons us, and prevents our finding true happiness where it waits for us.

    Liked by 2 people

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  5. Big hug to you TG (yes I hug everybody) for sharing this very sad letter. Big hug to G and, if I interpret it correctly, you should be content in the knowledge that you did your very best (and more) to create the desired relationship. Sadly, any relationship takes two for anything to happen, and if one party is not cooperative …….!

    Be happy that despite the trials and tribulations of your life, you are most certainly a survivor so celebrate the strength that you must have developed over the years to be the person you have become.

    Celebrate the emotions you feel despite your experiences to the contrary.

    Quite simply …… celebrate who you are! It’s a pleasure having a blog relationship with such an individual. Take care.

    Liked by 3 people

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  6. If I missed thanking every one. Thank you so much. Such a pleasure to “smart ass” on here with everyone. Thank you Tippy for allowing me to hijack your blog. Although it lets you off the blogging hook..So you’re welcome,

    Liked by 3 people

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      • I knew it! lol

        It went well in the sense that after my sister and I fairly kindly hashed some things out on the way there we worked well together dealing with him. Having said that I was in for a couple of brutal shockers when I got there. In short my father was an absolute mess. Non functional had been sitting at the table crying for hours not knowing what to do next. His house looked like a bomb went off in it and he’s always been an extreme perfectionist. It was gut wrenching.

        Liked by 1 person

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          • You said it. He’s a food hoarder too. I cleaned out his fridge and freezer today and threw out two huge garbage bags of bad food, and a whole larger compost bag. And his fridge and freezer are still fairly full. That doesn’t include his deep freeze which I never had time to get too, or all the food that has been brought to him by people. I made his dinner, did his dishes, folded his laundry. It was a busy day. My sister dealt with all his paper work and teaching him some banking things. We were there for hours.

            Liked by 2 people

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            • I hope he appreciates it.

              Hoarding creates giant headaches for survivors. When he passes away, whoever cleans up the hoarding mess he leaves behind will have a ton of work to do. My dad was a great guy, but a hoarder. My brother and sister-in-law cleaned up the mess after he died, and they were busy for months. My father-in-law the same. My wife and I still haven’t cleaned it all up. It took us six months to get most of it cleaned. One of the best things old people can do for their children is to clean up their own mess.

              Liked by 1 person

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              • I agree. And he was very clean. He came from poverty where they didn’t have much food at times. I think that’s why he hoards food. He can’t stop buying when he grocery shops and if he finds a “deal” he will buy many of one thing. My mother would only let him shop once a month. I think people coming through the wars hoard a lot too.

                Liked by 2 people

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