health

Coffee Is Poison

Seems everyone drinks coffee except Mormons and Seventh-Day Adventists. I’m not a religious man, but I think those Morvantists have got it right. Coffee is poison. And an abomination.

My wife is addicted to coffee. When she wakes up to start the day, she never says to me, “Good morning.” And if I initiate by saying, “Good morning,” to her, she replies with a scrunched-up scowl and screechy, “Fuck you!” And that’s because nothing civil is allowed to happen in our house until she’s had her morning cup of Joe.

She once threatened to divorce me if I ever spoke to her in the a.m. again, before her lips have touched coffee.

And that’s the sort of madness that is brought on by this black poison brewed by the billions, around the world. It’s no wonder we live on such a crazy planet. No wonder we have wars, disasters, and global warming. Coffee is the culprit. It makes people behave irrationally. It causes dysfunction and disrupts public safety. And all that percolating java every morning has got to be what is heating up our atmosphere and melting the polar icecaps.

I can’t count the many times people have told me they can’t function without their morning coffee. Really? Why have folks allowed themselves to sink so low as to be that desperately dependent upon this drug? And why let yourself be at the mercy of an industry that cares more for its profits than on your ability to be productive? If you get so destitute you can’t afford to buy coffee, they don’t care if you lose your job and end up sleeping in a gutter. If you don’t have any money, you just don’t get your fix, plain and simple.

Have you heard that Howard Schultz, the CEO of Starbucks, is plotting to destroy the world? He’s drank so much Espresso, it’s rewired the neurons in his brain, and turned him into a caffeine-crazed monster. The caffeine has tricked his brain into thinking he can run for president as an independent, and actually win. But what will really happen is that he will split the Democratic vote, and ensure a Trump reelection. And I doubt our planet can withstand another four years of comrade Trump in the White House.

Blame coffee. Coffee will be the death of us all.

Stop the madness! If you want to save yourself, and contribute to the salvation of our big, blue Earth, you must stop drinking big, black mugs of coffee. And you can do it if you put your mind to it. You can kick the coffee habit.

Sure, you may have to slap yourself around for a while, every morning, until your withdrawal symptoms recede. And you may get the shakes and shits and have to fight off the urge to commit mass murder. You may even have to check into a rehab clinic. But with self-discipline and determination, you can free yourself from the demon-pull of java juice.

Imagine how nice that would be. Think of the improvement you’ll realize in your relationships, including with your spouse. Consider all the money you’ll save. And reflect on how proud of yourself you’ll feel, knowing you’ve done your part to fight global warming and Trump reelection.

It won’t be easy for you to quit. So here’s a few motivational slogans to reflect upon, while fighting the urge:

• The best part of waking up is tapwater in your cup.
• You ban coffee, and have richness worth much more than a second cup.
• Fill yourself to the rim: Avoid Brim.
• Be good to your last drop, without one drop of coffee.
• You’ll be starved of bucks when you think work can wait.
• Juan Valdez is a drug dealer. The richest kind.
• A 100% Columbian never needs coffee.
• To be mountain grown, you must grow out of the coffee habit.
• Avoid coffee, and you’ll taste as good as you smell.

The sooner you kick the coffee habit, the better off you, and the whole world, will be. And you will never regret it.

Because coffee is poison.

Try watching this youtube video, for more motivation to quit the coffee habit:

Categories: health

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126 replies »

  1. OH dear! What havoc can be created by some tiny coffee beans! Who knew! A good thing that you “enlightened” us. And I am very glad that I stopped getting coffee from McDonalds some time ago, before I watched that video! I get it from Sheetz now, which is right down our street. BUT I do not need my coffee every morning, I don’t even need it every day, so its not as bad. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. funny/punny/deafenedly not sunny!

    (I/we live at the edge of mormonville, and shh don’t tell N-E-1, but many (LDS-ers), on the sly, crave the coffee. and, as a rumor hazzitt, ‘they’ forbade Coca-Cola, ’til they bought the company!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m with Joanne, if coffee is my worst vice, I’m OK with that. How does a mouse end up in a cup of coffee? Kind of big to plop out of the coffee pot unnoticed… Gross enough finding them on my doormat, compliments of my cat. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hold on a min. whilst I finish my coffee… ….. …. ….. …….

    Okay I feel like I can comment now. What the Sam Hell are you talking about? It sounds to me like coffee saves your life with your wife.

    Not far back for about a week without knowing it I weaned my Hubby off coffee. He was really struggling in the am more then ever, he was getting bad headaches and not feeling well. Then he discovered that I had accidentally (truly accidentally) bought him decaf coffee. Oops.

    I drink decaf coffee in the am because I find for me it has more then enough caffeine to work for me.

    So the moral of this story is, it saves lives, headaches, misery, makes sickness better and helps productivity.

    Liked by 2 people

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