humor

Great-Grandma’s Dirty Jokes

My Great-Grandma Florence Jackson. “Flojack.”

I was fortunate and cursed enough to be around several of my great-grandparents while I was growing up. That’s because my family is blessed and cursed with longevity in our genes. We tend to live a long time, but when we finally expire we die of long, lingering chronic illnesses.

My great-grandma was born in 1889. She drove a crankstart Model T when she was young. It gave her a great scare when it chased her around the yard one day, after she crank-started it while it was in gear.

She made it through two great world wars, struggled through the Great Depression, and survived the Great San Francisco earthquake of 1906. So by the time I met her, she had quite a few great tales to tell.

She’d come visit us about once a year, when I was a kid, and stay several weeks, all the while reminiscing about the past. I found her stories fascinating. I learned a lot of history from her, and for that I’m great-ful. I sure wish now I could remember all of those stories.

One day I asked Great-Grandma if they told dirty jokes back in the old days. And with that she surprised me by relating a few she had committed to memory. I immediately recognized this as an historic discovery, and surmised that these jokes must be preserved for posterity.

I hardly remember a damn thing about most of the historical accounts I heard from Great-Grandma. But I made it my duty-bound pledge to memorize her antiquarian dirty jokes, so that one day I could pass them on to newer generations.

And so, for your edification and academic study, here are Great-Grandma’s dirty jokes:

ELECTRICITY

Back in the early days of electric utilities, when a storm knocked down power lines, electricity would be out for long periods of time before those lines could be repaired. That’s exactly what happened to a little old lady who lived way out in the boondocks.

Finally she managed to call the electric company and alert them to her problem. But her message left them kind of confused. She told the dispatcher, “I need you to send a man to my house right away! I’ve had to use a candle now for two weeks.”

PERIOD

A young schoolgirl and her classmates were being instructed by their teacher on proper use of punctuation. She seemed a little distracted, as if she wasn’t paying attention. So the teacher pointed at her and said, “Young lady, what can you tell me about the period?”

She answered, “Well teacher, I know that periods are dangerous.”

The teacher thought she was being a smart aleck, so he decided to put her on the spot.

“That’s nonsense!” he scolded. “Young lady, I want you to stand up in front of the whole class and explain why periods are dangerous.”

The schoolgirl did as she was told. She stood up, faced her classmates, and said, “This morning my big sister came down the stairs and announced, ‘I haven’t had my period in two months.’ My mother fainted, my father had a stroke, and the boy next door shot himself.”

SUPERNATURAL

One evening at a prayer meeting the topic turned to the supernatural. The preacher was lecturing about the dangers of the occult, and especially the evils of attending séances and intercoursing with the dead. At one point he asked, “Has anyone here ever had intercourse with a ghost?”

A little old lady in the back raised her hand. “I have!” her crackly voice declared.

“You have?!” the preacher replied with astonishment. “You . . . you’ve had intercourse with a GHOST?!”

The lady quickly lowered her hand. “Oh,” she corrected, “I thought you said GOAT.”

Categories: humor

31 replies »

  1. I love this post. I knew my mother’s grandparents for years, and they were characters. My great-granddad had Playboy pinups in his tool shed from the 60’s. When I was a little boy, any time I mentioned a girl he would ask, “Is she fully stacked?”

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  2. Wow, I didn’t think they even had dirty jokes back in those old days – you know, when babies were delivered by storks to parents who had only previously held hands or maybe stole a quick peck on the cheek or something. I especially didn’t think they had those jokes when my own mother asked me (I was 25!) about stuff I had read in “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask.” Surely she knew how my three brothers and I had arrived? I mean, she had to have been there, right?

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    • I think there were a lot of Farmer’s Daughter jokes going around back then. But guys were supposed to be discreet about them, so womenfolks couldn’t overhear. That’s funny your mother asking you questions about stuff that maybe you should have asked her about. Are you sure you weren’t adopted?

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  3. Nice, Tippy. If my grandparents knew any dirty jokes, they weren’t telling them within earshot of us kiddies. I liked the first one best, though they are all good. Thanks for preserving these in “the cloud” for all eternity. Here’s one for you: A young nun goes into town and overhears a term she doesn’t quite understand. She returns to the convent and asks, “Mother Superior, what’s a blow job?” And Mother Superior replies, “Ten bucks, same as in town.” I like to believe my grandparents would have been just as clueless as the young nun. 🙂

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  4. Your great-grandmother was born in the year after my paternal grandmother. Either I am very old, or my family tended to marry and have children late in life 😏
    I don’t have many memories of my grandmother and I certainly don’t remember her ever telling a dirty joke. Even if I did speak Italian – which I didn’t /don’t – I would have been shocked if she had – although at my young age, I probably wouldn’t have got it anyway 🙂

    Your great-grandmother sounds like she was a real spitfire!

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    • That line of my family tended to marry and have children early, so I doubt that you are very old. 🙂 Oh yeah, my great-grandmother was a spitfire. I was afraid of her until I got into my teen years. I think she preferred teenagers to younger kids.

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  5. Oh, my nerves! I’m shocked beyond measure. 😯 There were no dirty jokes allowed in my family, even though my grandfather was a sergeant major and my dad, a sailor. It sounds like your grandmother was a lot of fun. I’m so jealous. My sister and I were very sheltered from anything considered to be slightly risqué. We weren’t even allowed to listen to pop music. 😦

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