Unicorn Beams

Baptist Choir Sings for Fourteen Hours Straight During Standoff with Calvinistic Pastor

Today our unicorn is a unique news story from the Nowhere Tribune, at https://nowheretribune.wordpress.com/. If you want a barrel of laughs with every post, click on over and follow this hilarious blog.

Although the Nowhere Tribune claims this is a sickly unicorn, it seems perfectly healthy to me. That’s because it’s very unique, and uniqueness is the only requirement to be a unicorn in good health. But even though it’s healthy, I suspect by the end of the day we unicorn chasers can do a good job of killing and eating it, with our commentary. Thanks for the submission, NT.


If you don’t like this one, I have one that I think is actually good; I’m just being selfish and sending you the sickly unicorn that I don’t care to feed.

Baptist Choir Sings for Fourteen Hours Straight During Standoff with Calvinistic Pastor

ATHENS, TX—According to local sources, the choir at Second Missionary Baptist Church in Athens sang “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus” for fourteen hours straight after the sermon Sunday, resulting in one member being rushed to the emergency room with a ruptured bladder, and another checking into the Athens Psychiatric Ward.

The extended invitation was in direct response to the church’s new Calvinistic pastor, John Owens, and his disdain for gospel music and evangelism.

Owens, a twenty-six-year-old graduate of Reformed Theological Seminary (RTS) in Orlando, dressed in vintage New Balance sneakers, skinny jeans, and a “Charles Spurgeon is my Homeboy” T-shirt, was willing to speak to us from his apartment yesterday.

“Why am I opposed to long invitations? It’s partly theological. I do believe it’s my job to present the gospel, but God’s job to draw sinners to Him. So, the long invitation is an unnecessary tradition that, in a sense, denies the doctrine of election. But also, yesterday I just really needed to pee.”

Eye witnesses say that when Pastor Owens announced that members would be dismissed after a short prayer and without an invitational hymn, veteran song leader Isaac Watts was visibly irritated.

“Brother Isaac spends hours and hours each week preparing the music for Sunday. It’s his ministry to bless others through song,” said a choir member who didn’t wish to be named. “He had a right to be irritated, and he was right to follow the Lord’s leading in having us sing for fourteen hours, although I couldn’t speak at all the next day, nor could I perform my other church duties which require a healthy throat.”

Cynthia Stardust, a mother of three who was visiting with her husband and children, said they finally had to leave after six hours.

“I didn’t want to be rude, but my kids were hungry. Every time the choir started to wind down and the pastor stood to dismiss us, another crying old lady walked forward and fell on the altar to pray, and the choir started over. It got a little awkward.”

“A little awkward my ass,” said her husband John. “I’ll take my chances that hell won’t be as bad as those six hours.”

The power struggle has not been settled as of press time today; we learned just hours ago that several older female members are guarding the church library, armed with Bibles and garden implements, after learning that the pastor planned to replace the Joyce Meyer Bible study material with John Calvin’s Commentaries, and children’s church workers have chained themselves to the giraffe legs of the Noah’s Ark exhibition in the nursery after hearing that children would be attending regular services with the adults this Wednesday.

Categories: Unicorn Beams

27 replies »

  1. If you want to find a sickly unicorn, check medical records—they know everything. And unicorns don’t apply to HIPPA laws so it’s all access all the time. Your post was just a 14 hour version of heaven. Imagine that for a hundred trillion years! 🎵Second verse, same as the first🎵

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  2. Oh man. This is crazy funny. I’m sure you wouldn’t be surprised to know I grew up with that song and others like it. You’ll have to You tube “I surrender all.” See how long you last listening to that one. I hated that song growing up. And 14 hours crazy ass. Faith is one thing. Religion is just hellish.

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