Have you noticed lately that every time you do business with someone, they ask you to complete a customer satisfaction survey, or write some sort of review? At one time, not too long ago, I encountered this only occasionally. Once in a while I’d get a survey in the mail to rate my family physician. Or I’d be asked to write a review of a product I bought online. But only once in a while.
Now it seems to happen every friggin’ time.
It seems survey mania has crept over us, and now the solicitation of a survey after every transaction or interaction has become standard business practice.
Back in the day, when this only happened once in a while, I had no problem completing surveys. In fact I felt delighted at the chance to rate someone like my doctor. Until he sent me a letter begging me to always rate him with 10’s on every category.
That’s when I became cynical about surveys. It seems that if you give someone anything less than a 10, even if it’s a nice generous 9, it jeopardizes their job security, and puts them under heavy scrutiny from their superiors.
So I just stopped doing them. I chuck them in the trash. I close their pop-up boxes online. Fuck all those bastards who expect their employees to be perfect.
Besides, I just don’t have time to fill out all the goddamned surveys everyone wants me to complete.
Now that I’m finished with this rant, I need your feedback. How good was this rant? Did I express my complaint clearly? Did you feel my passion? Were my writing skills up to par? Please rate me on a scale of 1 to 10 in the following categories. But remember, any rating less than a 10 could result in my suspension from WordPress and banishment from social media altogether. And you wouldn’t want that to happen, would you?
Overall ranting effectiveness (1-10):
Clarity of this rant (1-10):
How moved were you into joining this rant? (1-10):
Display of technical skills in this rant (1-10 ):
Willingness to recommend this rant to a friend (1-10):
Rating Equivalents:
1=Completely insincere or incompetent.
2=I’ve got better things to do than read this crap.
3=Such feeble effort. You sound like Don Knotts.
4=You whine like my 3-year-old grandchild.
5=Okay, so you’ve made your point. Yawn.
6=I’m gonna write my Congressman! Just as soon as I . . . zzzzzz.
7=Wow, you rant like a grumpy old man!
8=Where’s a straitjacket? You insane, man!
9=You’re Hitler incarnate!
10=You’re a Trump-Tweeting Tyrant!
Thank you for taking the time to complete this godawful long survey.
Categories: Humor
Chasing Unicorns 
You should have set that up through WP’s survey link (Survey Monkey?). It would have been hilarious. I’ve set up a couple of “surveys” that way just for the heck of it, and couldn’t believe it when people actually responded. Guess I must have gotten high marks because I’m still here.
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Well heck, I guess I should have. Please don’t mark me down for neglecting that detail. I know I’m an awful blogger, but I still want those 10’s.
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You get all 10s from me.
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Whew. Now I can keep blogging more rants.
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BRILLIANT RANT!
You get TENS all the way down the line.
AND I am now going to stop filling out those stupid surveys from CVS and the Chart House and etc., etc., etc.
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Woohoo! Looks like my rant worked. If enough people join this movement, we can save the world from superfluous surveys.
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After hand surgery my surgeon begged me to use their on-line portal to review my records. He said he gets “points” when his patients use it. Baffles me. I’d prefer he get “points” when a surgery is successful than when his client uses a service they may or may not need. Argh!
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That’s pretty strange. Yeah, the real way to tell a good surgeon would be his success record. But just try finding that anywhere on the internet.
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10’s all around but we better do a survey to make sure…It was almost a 9 because no naps or Cheezits were mentioned in this rant.
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Sheesh, you guys are tough on me. I think my next rant will be about my reviewers.
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As long as we get to review it.
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Dang, I didn’t think of that.
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That’s what I’m here for.
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Oh how I love a good rant! And how I hate being asked to complete surveys, both at work and at home, multiple times a day most days. I only fill them out when feeling especially benevolent, or especially guilty because I just sent out my workplace’s annual customer survey.
Found your blog from the commenters on Joanne’s. I too have an award-free blog by choice but never thought of asking people to send $ instead. You sir, are a genius. 🙂
Deb
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Thanks. I’m still waiting for someone to give me an Andrew Jackson Award, but so far I haven’t even won a George Washington.
I love your handle, by the way.
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Thank you! Yours is clever 👏
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I’m simply not clever enough to add to the comments, HOWEVER … I must express my opinion, as weak and lacking in witty repartee as it may be.
A pox on surveys, I say. A POX!
When they say ‘if you can’t rate us a 10 out of 10, please call us immediately to discuss your concerns’, something is really wrong and the survey has simply become a weapon to hurt the employees.
Why should I be tickled pink and doing cartwheels just because you did what I paid you to do?
… and if you didn’t? Well, that’s a different rant.
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Good points all around, in my view. The best rating is the money that’s paid for the product. I give this comment a 10.
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I was about to ‘woohoo’ … until I realized the 10 was for the comment, not me 😏
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But it was for YOUR comment, not mine. However I think I’ll give my comment a 10 also. That’s only fair.
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But of course!
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I’ll take a page fron you and decline to participate in this survey. 😁
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Smart thinking. I’ll give you a 10 for your time management skills.
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