humor

Why I’ll Never Be Published

Apparently, writers must have a target audience.


Sometimes in moments of reverie, I sprawl supine upon my bed and daydream about becoming a published author. Wouldn’t it be cool, says my ego, if I, Tippy Gnu, got a book published?

But it will never happen. Problem is, I’ve got no book sense. Nor am I disciplined. And I sure as heck don’t know what to say, to convince any publisher to memorialize my scrivenings into the great American novel.

If I ever did meet with a publisher, manuscript in hand, here’s how I imagine the interview would go:

PUBLISHER: Who’s your target audience?

TIPPY GNU: Anyone I manage to hit.

PUBLISHER: I mean, who is this book intended for?

TIPPY GNU: Whoever wants to read it. Do you want to read it?

PUBLISHER: Maybe.

TIPPY GNU: Then maybe this book is intended for you.

PUBLISHER: Well, what is your demographic?

TIPPY GNU: I’m neither a Demographic nor a Repugnantan. I vote Independent.

PUBLISHER: Let’s just talk about the genre. This is a romance, isn’t it?

TIPPY GNU: (backing off) Look Buster, just because I’m talking to you, it doesn’t mean I’m in to you. Besides, we’re both men, and I don’t swing that way.

PUBLISHER: Just describe the plot, would you please?

TIPPY GNU: Oh, it goes kind of like this: Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy and girl get in a big fight. Time passes, until it seems they’re going to hate each other for the rest of their lives. But suddenly boy and girl make up and get married. The end.

PUBLISHER: And where did you get the idea for this plot?

TIPPY GNU: I’m very imaginative.

PUBLISHER: Sir, we get an awful lot of manuscript submissions like this. Why would we want to publish your manuscript over anyone else’s?

TIPPY GNU: Because mine’s the best! Because I’m so unique! Because I poured my heart and soul into this! Because I’m willing to travel all over the country and promote this book on radio and TV! I’ll blog about it! I’ll do book signings!

PUBLISHER: N-no, I’m sorry.

TIPPY GNU: (falling on the floor and groveling) PLEEEASE, PLEEEASE! Publish my boooook! I’ll do anything! Anything at all! Hey, maybe I really do swing that way–I’m willing to give it a try! Just publish my book! PLEEEASE!

PUBLISHER: Sir, let go of my leg.

After security drags me out the door and boots me into the street, I’ll have the confirmation to support my conviction: I can never be published.

But there is one thing I know I can do.

I can sure lie in bed and daydream about being published. For hours and hours upon hours. And that’s way better than writing any book.

Categories: humor

27 replies »

  1. I think you can get published. Just write a humorous book about everyday life. Maybe it could be called, “Simple Observations – A humorous look at the absurdity of the world around us.” Hey wait a minute. That’s my book! Guess what? I’m still poor, begging people to read it, and chasing unicorns. I am a published author, though. That counts for something. Maybe, I’ll nap today, and dream of being a “successful,” published author. Seriously, and with all joking aside; you have some funny in you. Go for your dream. You just never know.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Well thanks. And if you’ve written a book about the absurdity of the world around us, I’m sure you never lacked for material.

      Congrats on being a successful author. Although it’s my understanding that even most “successful” writers don’t make a heck of a lot of money. Especially when their income is calculated at the per hour rate. I hope that you’re the exception.

      Like

  2. Reblogged this on Cordelia's Mom, Still and commented:

    I could have written this post! But Tippy did a much better job of it. I’ve managed to draft about one-tenth of my first unpublished book (look for it on Amazon soon!).

    I’m guessing a good portion of my readers will totally understand Tippy’s post. Of course, then there are those readers who have, in fact, already been published. They can do something else while the rest of us are commiserating with each other.

    (Comments are closed here – leave any comments over on Tippy’s site.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks. Ironically, I think the ones who made the most money during the various gold rushes were the vendors, who charged exorbitant prices. Which gives me an idea. Maybe I’ll start a workshop on how to write for a living, and charge people big bucks to attend.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Haha you sound a bit like me. I could never write for a particular demographic or target audience. I don’t know how real writers do that. I’ve been told I am a good writer, but I doubt my skills are for writing an actual book. The closest I will ever get to publishing anything is on my blog when I write posts, though half my life ramblings sound like they come from a crazy person.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well writing is a tough business anyway, even for those who are successful at it. But you can put your writing skills to use in many jobs that are primarily non-writing. For instance, I was a letter carrier. I became a union steward and put my writing skills to use writing grievances.

      Liked by 1 person