humor

Better Than Sex

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When I was young I loved sex. It consumed me. In fact I was mentally obsessed with it. About 90% of my waking thoughts involved plotting and planning on how to get laid. The other 10% involved how to make a living so that I could live long enough to actually get laid.

Sex was very frustrating. With all my plotting and planning, my rate of success finding a partner was similar to Wile E. Coyote’s success at catching the roadrunner. Except for one very willing partner whose name was Rosy Palm.

Just the same, I believed sex was the best thing in the world. I couldn’t imagine anything more thrilling or satisfying than a roll in bed with honey.

But then I got married and sex became a regular, routine activity.

And after 25 years of wedded bliss, I have reached the point of what I call, “sexual maturity”. As a mature, older man, I have come to realize that there really is something better than sex.

It’s called sleep.

A deep slumber sends the mind floating down a serene river of nerveless relaxation that is impossible to experience from sex. Sleep refreshes and renews one’s spirit, whereas sex consumes the spirit. The pleasure of sleep lasts much longer than the quick thrill of sex. And sleep has many other advantages over sex.

Men always fantasize about having multiple partners. But having multiple partners can be dangerous. It can ruin your marriage, spread horrendous diseases, and lead to paternity suits.

But under the aegis of sleep, a man can dream about having sex with many different partners, with no negative consequences whatsoever.

I’ll admit that after a good night’s sleep, my body feels kind of stiff and can have a kinked up neck or shoulders. But good sex wears my body out even worse. And the kinkier it gets, the more kinked up my body feels afterward.

Sex can require weeks, months, or even years for a man to seduce a willing partner. But if I stay awake past 9:00 pm, no seduction at all is required to lure sleep into bed.

Women can enjoy multiple orgasms, many times per day. But older guys like me can enjoy multiple naps many times per day.

The lure of sex for many is the thrilling, orgasmic climax. But I enjoy the anticlimax better. There’s nothing like that soft suasion of deep drowsiness drawing me to dreamland just minutes after the Big Bang.

So go for it, young men with raging hormones! Keep pursuing, persuading, and cajoling, trying to fulfill your sleazy fantasies. Hunt for the cunt on that long, frustrating trail to the tail. You can have it.

Meanwhile, I’ll prop my feet up on an easy chair, turn on the Golf Channel, and settle in for a long, afternoon snooze. At long last, I’ve found something much better than sex.

Categories: humor

Published by Tippy Gnu

I chase unicorns and post them on my blog. I also accept donated unicorns. And when I still don’t have enough unicorns to post, I steal them from unsuspecting celebrities, in the form of stolen quotes. Then I let my followers do whatever the hell they want, with these unicorns I post. Come join the fun, and together we’ll chase unicorns!

20 replies »

  5. It’s refreshing to have a man admit that he doesn’t think about sex every second of every minute of every day. Oh wait, you didn’t say you didn’t think about it, did you? But regardless, good to know that men also get older[er] and lose some of that drive. Personally, most nights I’d rather just sleep.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. no. comment, per se, on this. (my personal?/the) jury is still out on this. tho’ sleep was high on the list of “stuff I want to do when i’m retired.”

    sumwhut related: just tonight, I was really tired, but knew I had to play at the 8:30 p.m. (sounds sorta late? eh?) hockey game. so … I lay down at about 6:30, thinking i’d nap an hour and then go … woke up with a start just before 8 (!) was only 10 minutes late to the game, where they were still warming-up, waiting for goalie #2 to show up …

    Liked by 2 people

    • Glad you made it to the game, but I’ll bet sleep was at least better than playing hockey.

      Yeah, 8:3o pm seems like a pretty late time to knock a puck around. That’s just about the time I’m getting ready to knock off for the night.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, though I think you have unfairly excluded your own posts, in your assessment. Anyway, at 43 you’re just knocking on the door to middle-age. Give that older guy a little time to answer. It can take a while for him to climb out of bed.

      Liked by 1 person