Ten Cheap Ways to Beat the Heat

Don't be as cheap as me, or you may end up here.

Don’t be as cheap as me, or you may end up here.

I’m a cheapskate. I’m damned if I’ll spend triple-digit money to avoid triple-digit heat, by switching to refrigerated air conditioning. Even though our swamp cooler seems to be spitting in the wind against this summer’s wall of xerothermic weather. With spit that sizzles and evaporates in seconds.

Yes, I’m damned. I’ve condemned myself to Hell. It must be karma. Cheapskates like me must go to Hell.

But I haven’t given up. Instead I’ve become innovative in my effort to keep cool, while keeping out of debt with the electric company. I’ve devised some cheap ways to beat the heat.

And now I offer these ideas to you, for a donation. Please don’t be as cheap as me. After you read these ideas, please donate. Otherwise, you may find yourself joining me in a place similar to the painting, above.

Ten cheap ways to beat the heat:

  1. Take a cool, refreshing swim in your neighbor’s swimming pool. Not your own swimming pool. Never throw away money by owning a swimming pool.
  2. Go to a convenience store. Open one of those glass doors where you buy sodas and beer. And then just stand there until they kick you out.
  3. Take the ice bucket challenge. That’s where someone else gives money to charity for the privilege of dowsing you with free ice water.
  4. Hitchhike to Canada. I’ve read that their average highs in the summer are only about 25 degrees. Celsius, whatever that means.
  5. Become a nudist, and lobby for laws to make the summer season clothing optional.
  6. Look for fat people in a crowd and stand next to them for the shade.
  7. Stand by the side of a busy highway. Enjoy the breeze stirred up by passing traffic.
  8. Restrict sexual activities to phone sex only.
  9. Quit smoking. You’ll save money, and at the same time you’ll stop putting glowing hot embers close to your face.
  10. View a solar eclipse. Temperatures drop dramatically whenever the sun is obscured by the moon. (This is not as far-fetched as it may seem. Much of our nation will experience a total eclipse in August of next year. We’ll feel cool and refreshed for a precious few minutes. And then the world will come to an end.)

There, now wasn’t that worth a donation? Send your donation to: Tippy Gnu, 7734 Styx Avenue, Hades, Hell, 66666. All funds will go to a worthy cause. Me! If I raise enough money, I’m going to buy an air conditioner.

Categories: Humor

31 replies »

  1. I’ve been worried about you with the fires in San Bernadino County. I hope they are nowhere near you. And that you can get that air conditioner without my contribution. I will, however, suggest Canada (or Maine which is really close to Canada).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Haha! While living in a villa (attached on both sides to adjoining villas) took some getting used to . . . our electric bills in the summer (running the AC all the time) have been LESS than what they were anywhere else we’ve lived (NJ, VA, NC, SC, MD) because the adjoining villas insulate us from the H~E~A~T.

    Aah . . . that’s better!

    Liked by 1 person

    • So live like a sardine, eh? I hope you like your neighbors.

      I have a question about air conditioning. I’ve always had a swamp cooler, so I’m pretty ignorant about it. If you keep the thermostat at about 80 degrees, does that keep your electric bill significantly down? I suspect most people with A/C have high bills because they can’t resist the temptation of setting the thermostat to something like 65 or 70.


  3. I’m a cheapskate too, but I can’t take the heat. After 8 miserable years in this house, we installed central air. Who wants to spend all that money and then not USE IT? (Well, other than staunch cheapskates like my parents…) We keep it at 70. I know that sounds extravagant, but I’m a hermit who spends 23 hours a day in the house, so I definitely get my money’s worth. šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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