Don’t be as cheap as me, or you may end up here.
I’m a cheapskate. I’m damned if I’ll spend triple-digit money to avoid triple-digit heat, by switching to refrigerated air conditioning. Even though our swamp cooler seems to be spitting in the wind against this summer’s wall of xerothermic weather. With spit that sizzles and evaporates in seconds.
Yes, I’m damned. I’ve condemned myself to Hell. It must be karma. Cheapskates like me must go to Hell.
But I haven’t given up. Instead I’ve become innovative in my effort to keep cool, while keeping out of debt with the electric company. I’ve devised some cheap ways to beat the heat.
And now I offer these ideas to you, for a donation. Please don’t be as cheap as me. After you read these ideas, please donate. Otherwise, you may find yourself joining me in a place similar to the painting, above.
Ten cheap ways to beat the heat:
- Take a cool, refreshing swim in your neighbor’s swimming pool. Not your own swimming pool. Never throw away money by owning a swimming pool.
- Go to a convenience store. Open one of those glass doors where you buy sodas and beer. And then just stand there until they kick you out.
- Take the ice bucket challenge. That’s where someone else gives money to charity for the privilege of dowsing you with free ice water.
- Hitchhike to Canada. I’ve read that their average highs in the summer are only about 25 degrees. Celsius, whatever that means.
- Become a nudist, and lobby for laws to make the summer season clothing optional.
- Look for fat people in a crowd and stand next to them for the shade.
- Stand by the side of a busy highway. Enjoy the breeze stirred up by passing traffic.
- Restrict sexual activities to phone sex only.
- Quit smoking. You’ll save money, and at the same time you’ll stop putting glowing hot embers close to your face.
- View a solar eclipse. Temperatures drop dramatically whenever the sun is obscured by the moon. (This is not as far-fetched as it may seem. Much of our nation will experience a total eclipse in August of next year. We’ll feel cool and refreshed for a precious few minutes. And then the world will come to an end.)
There, now wasn’t that worth a donation? Send your donation to: Tippy Gnu, 7734 Styx Avenue, Hades, Hell, 66666. All funds will go to a worthy cause. Me! If I raise enough money, I’m going to buy an air conditioner.
Categories: Humor
Chasing Unicorns 
I’ve been worried about you with the fires in San Bernadino County. I hope they are nowhere near you. And that you can get that air conditioner without my contribution. I will, however, suggest Canada (or Maine which is really close to Canada).
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The Blue Cut fire is about 60 miles away, and blowing away from us. We’re not even getting the smoke. So at least we’re safe from that heat. Meanwhile, it looks like lots of unfortunate people are losing their homes up there.
This has been one of the hottest summers I can remember. Maine sounds like a great place to visit. I just wouldn’t want to stay there past September 21st.
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But the 22nd is the best day of the year up there …. Actually Maine is wonderful in the fall, too. Except for the cruise ships that descend and plant thousands of people into very small towns!
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I was in Mexico, Maine in the Fall, once. It is very beautiful. So is all of New England and upstate New York, when the leaves turn.
I once lived in Ticonderoga, New York, near Lake Champlain, and have enjoyed several beautiful autumns there. So let me revise my exit date to say, October 31st.
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Perfect! Although we once drove back from Maine in a blizzard on Halloween, so you never know!
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Glad you’re ok. Hope it stays that way. And yes, those poor folks. And the poor folks in Louisiana. If only we could average weather out…
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And here I am, complaining about the heat. At least our house hasn’t burned down or washed away.
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Yes. But we all complain, not realizing just how much worse things can get. It’s human nature!
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So true!
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Haha! While living in a villa (attached on both sides to adjoining villas) took some getting used to . . . our electric bills in the summer (running the AC all the time) have been LESS than what they were anywhere else we’ve lived (NJ, VA, NC, SC, MD) because the adjoining villas insulate us from the H~E~A~T.
Aah . . . that’s better!
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So live like a sardine, eh? I hope you like your neighbors.
I have a question about air conditioning. I’ve always had a swamp cooler, so I’m pretty ignorant about it. If you keep the thermostat at about 80 degrees, does that keep your electric bill significantly down? I suspect most people with A/C have high bills because they can’t resist the temptation of setting the thermostat to something like 65 or 70.
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We keep ours at 80-82 during the day . . . cooler than that and I would have to put on socks. And I did NOT move to Florida to wear socks.
At night, we push it down to 72-74, but it doesn’t have to work very hard because the outside temps aren’t much more than that.
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Thanks. I think around 80 is just about right. I suspect that would keep the electric bill from getting too out of hand. Some people in our area pay $300-$500 a month in cooling costs. But I’ll bet their a/c is set much lower than 80, throughout the day.
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YOWSA! That’d buy a lot of food, clothes, chocolate . . .
Our monthly bill (averaged) is a shade under $100 ~> in the $92-$97 range.
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That sounds very reasonable to me. In fact, it’s about what we pay monthly for running a swamp cooler about 12 hours a day. Thanks for the info! š
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We keep our AC at 26C / 79F however we also have a swimming pool so either way I look at it, I live in fear of when our electricity bill arrives. Between the AC and pool, it’s going to be ugly … I’m expecting it to be in the $400 range.
Having said that, we only need AC for a couple of weeks a year. This year is an anomoly and it’s been running off and on since mid-May but already our evenings are dipping down below 66F. I’m hoping that our 80F+ days are soon coming to an end.
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It must be the pits to cringe as you open the electric bill.
The daytime highs wouldn’t be so bad, if it would only cool off good at night. I’ve sweated more from the nocturnal heat than from any of my nightmares.
But only a few more weeks, and we’ll get some relief. Hopefully.
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That’s the way I’m looking at it. It is summer after all and it seems wrong to complain it’s hot during the summer š
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Why not? I complain that it’s cold in the winter.
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But that’s a given. Complaining about winter is one of our national sports š
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I guess it’s a matter of location. At your latitude, I can see how summer is a nice rare treat. For us, it’s the return of hell.
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š¦
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i’m feeling cooler
imagining you
refreshed, standing
by the highway š
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Glad to share
With you
The cool zephyr
Of a passing semi
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I’m a cheapskate too, but I can’t take the heat. After 8 miserable years in this house, we installed central air. Who wants to spend all that money and then not USE IT? (Well, other than staunch cheapskates like my parents…) We keep it at 70. I know that sounds extravagant, but I’m a hermit who spends 23 hours a day in the house, so I definitely get my money’s worth. š
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I can understand that. I guess if you got out of the house more you’d be spending your money on other things. May as well spend it where you’ll use it.
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Bahaha! Donation in the mail. Just for the record even way up here in the north it gets hotter then 25 degrees Celsius.
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That must be very disappointing to tourists who go up there in the summer to beat the heat. I’d sue the Chamber of Commerce.
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You could try..
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beer,
and I find slothfulness a fr8 weigh to “wait out” the heat. napping with a fan-on-full-bloweroony a couple feet away is frequently quite nice.
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I’ll go with slothfulness. Maybe that’s what “Summer Vacation” is all about: Beating the heat by being slothful.
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