Tomorrow, April 31st, is my birthday. I would have waited until tomorrow to announce this, but I haven’t been able to find April 31st on most calendars. Actually, it’s my privacy birthday, not my real birthday.
There’s so much identity theft going on these days, I think the business of stealing identity has become a significant part of our gross national product. Or maybe I’m just paranoid. But when people ask me for my birthdate, I often tell them April 31st. I’m trying to protect my identity from being stolen.
Wonk that I am, I memorized which months have 31 days, and which have only 30, way back in elementary school. So it surprises me how many people fall for this ruse. I even have an in-law who sends me a birthday card every year around the end of April.
How old will I be? Plentynine.
I take great measures to protect my privacy, so I’m gobsmacked when I learn about others who aren’t so careful. Celebrities are the worst. The reason why you can find so many nude pictures of celebrities on the internet these days, is because they store their naughty photos on the “cloud” and then secure their cloud accounts with flimsy passwords. Passwords such as 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9, or the very clever p-a-s-s-w-o-r-d.
Then they act so embarrassed about their sex videos being displayed for the world to see. I’d be more embarrassed about having a password that was just begging to be hacked. I’d be proud of the sex videos.
I protect my identity so well that even I have become confused about me. Who am I, really? These days this is more than just a metaphysical question. Sometimes I have to check my birth certificate, which I keep locked away in a safe deposit box. It gets a little awkward at the bank, when they ask me to identify myself before they’ll let me access that little plastic box. “That is the question, isn’t it?” I’ll sheepishly stammer.
I avoid giving my real name, birthdate, and other identifying information out, especially over the internet. For all anyone who follows this blog knows, I’m President Barack Obama. But really, I’m Elvis Presley.
I hope you don’t feel disappointed at not knowing who the real me is. Me and my ego would love to tell you. But sadly, you’ll probably never get to find out.
Whoever the heck you are.
Categories: Humor
Chasing Unicorns 
I’m okay with my identity being used. What are they going to steal, my bitter identity? Do they really want to be known as Bitter Ben? And have my negative credit and my garbage things? They can have it. Happy Privacy Birthday tomorrow.
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Don’t knock negative credit. It’s better than no credit at all. When you get turned down for a loan due to negative credit, you don’t have to worry about going into debt, and becoming even more bitter than you already are. Thanks for the well wishes. I shall enjoy my Privacy Birthday. In secret.
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Well no one gives me any credit which is my I’m so bitter. Time to go to Experian.com.
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Happy Privacy Birthday! The world needs more reason to celebration … and cake. Definitely this calls for cake.
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Thanks. My wife says she’s going to bake me a cake on April 31st.
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hehehe – you could have guessed that was coming 😉
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I love this, Barack/Elvis! I thought something looked a little weird about that calendar, couldn’t quite put my finger on it… Enjoy your private b-day celebration (today or whenever it really is). Keep the sex videos in the safe deposit box, please. And now that you’ve publicized my p-a-s-s-w-o-r-d, I’m gonna have to change it. Thanks a lot! 🙂
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Thanks. I was planning to celebrate it today, but I realized it is already May 1st. Too late, I guess. I always erase my sex videos immediately after making them. Protects me from blackmail. Sorry you have to change your password. You might want to try o-p-e-n-s-e-s-a-m-e.
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Anyone can have my identity as long as they take my shitty body, too. I’m a package deal.
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Sounds like your identity protection plan is reliable enough to pass the sniff test. And thanks for the cartoon, I was not unhappy watching it.
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You said to go back to the beginning so I randomly started with April and look what I found out! You really are “Frank” with perhaps multiple identities! I don’t have to worry about my identity being stolen, I have 5 different names I go by and who knows another one may pop up sometime on the blog.
I am going to make April 1st your birthday, I think that is appropriate! 🙂
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So, you really aren’t “sweet” Carolyn? Let me be frank with you. I’m really not Tippy Gnu. But as for who I really am, I really don’t know. It keeps changing every day.
I like April 1st as a birthday. Please send me a gift on that day. I especially like stacks of currency, and don’t bother with the gift wrapping. Just wrap it in large rubber bands.
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Oooh I am really, truly SWEET Carolyn, just not Caroline!
Haha! I didn’t think Tippy was your real name.
Oh sure I can send you large amounts of currency. Have an old Life game and Monopoply game with plenty of money in it and it has rubber bands around it too!
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I see. Funny money from a funny lady.
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Haha!
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