Dr. Tippy’s Tips for Treating a Cold
I’ve been battling a cold lately. I think I caught it from Blair, over at Shameful Sheep. She’s just getting over a cold. I believe the cold virus is so pernicious, you can catch it just by reading a post written by someone with a cold. So thanks Blair.
And that means anyone reading this post is going to be next.
So now that you know you’re going to catch my cold, here are some tips from Dr. Tippy, for treating it. But first, please note that I haven’t yet qualified for my doctor’s license in the U.S.A. My medical degree was conferred on me by the nation of Cyberia, which is my native land. I attended Diplomamill University, and graduated Magna Quack Laude.
I take no responsibility for anything, so follow these tips at your own risk:
If you are feeling painful pressure on any area of your forehead or face, find a hammer and a nail. Drive the nail, using the hammer, deep into that painful spot. This will hopefully relieve the pressure, and eliminate your worries about any sinus infection.
If your body is burning hot from head to toe, clean out your refrigerator, crawl inside, and shut the door. Stay there for at least four hours. This is guaranteed to cool your body down for good.
Treat a drippy nose by stuffing large sponges up your nostrils. Then wrap a big towel beneath your nose and tie it behind your head. Then wear a Fit-Flex Depends upon your head. Then scatter sawdust shavings a foot deep on your floor. Because no matter what you do for a drippy nose, you’re still going to get snot all over the place, and you’ll need all that sawdust to absorb it.
Treat a sore throat by carrying a megaphone with you everywhere you go. Turn the megaphone up full blast, then whisper into it, “I have a sore throat and can’t talk much,” to anyone who tries to engage you in conversation. If they insist on conversing with you anyway, beat them over the head with the megaphone.
A severe cold, left untreated, will typically last 14 days. But if you employ these treatments I guarantee you’ll rid yourself of your cold in just two weeks.
If you want to thank me for all this great advice, simply write “Thank You” on the memo line of the check, after I send you my bill.