My great-aunt Edna, from our family album.

Only about one out of every ten prisoners in the U.S.A. is a woman. It seems men are the biggest mischief makers in our country. Or maybe we’re just the least sneaky of the genders, as we clumsily traipse down the primrose path.

But this percentage is changing. A growing number of women are ending up in the calaboose. And I hate to keep knocking on my own gender, but one of the biggest causes of women being arrested, is men.

When a woman gets mixed up with the wrong man, she runs the risk of ending up at the Graybar Hotel for an extended stay. Women need to wise up and pay attention to the warning signs that bad boys give off, if they want to avoid becoming complicit in their high crimes and misdemeanors.

I’m a man, but I’ve never been to jail, myself. However I’m no stranger to the hormonal influence that gravitates the male gender toward trouble. Trouble is very tempting for men. We live, eat, and breathe trouble. But I’ve figured out how to keep it away from my doorstep. Rather than rob banks or get into bar fights, I’ve settled for the adventure of watching NFL football.

Just the same, I know how a man thinks. So ladies, I’d like to give you some advice on what to look out for in your trouble-seeking man. You can avoid the lure of the crooked path by watching out for certain words your man may say to you. Such as the following:

1) “I need you to hide something for me.”
2) “Come along and watch. I’m not going to kill him, I’m just going to scare him.”
3) “After all I’ve done for you, you can’t do this one little thing for me?”
4) “Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing. I learned this from my cellmate.”
5) “You don’t have to know anything. Just loan me your gun.”
6) “We’ll be in and out of that bank in seconds flat. Piece of cake.”
7) “Me and my buddies from jail are getting together. Wanna come?”
8) “It’ll only be in your closet for a few days.”
9) “I need a ride to Mexico. Now. Don’t ask why.”
10) “Trust me. I won’t let the cops arrest you.”

Ladies, if you ever hear any of these words, kick your man’s butt out of the house immediately. Then call 9-1-1 and turn his sorry ass in. And that’s how to stay out of jail.