Sarah Shistfleck’s All-Natural Apple Pies
I highly recommend Sarah Shistfleck’s All-Natural Apple Pies. No refined sugars are added. These pies are naturally sweet, from the sugars produced by the apples themselves. Sarah waits for the apples to produce the maximum amount of sweetness by allowing them to mature until they drop from the tree and lie upon the ground for several weeks. She harvests them only after the apples have entered a fermentation process, and have metamorphosed into pure globs of savory-sweet sugar.
The worms are separated from the pulp by centrifuge and of course, discarded. The pulp is then mashed and mixed into a puree, which Sarah herself bathes in. Yes, Sarah perfuses the apple-pie filling with her own naturally sweet and tart essences, adding a hint of heaven to the flavor of her special pies.
The crust of her pies is derived from organic flour, that is naturally milled from sweetgrass seed. This seed is always freshly threshed from the blades of her own son’s lawnmowing service. Isn’t it refreshing how Sarah operates a family business, producing her pies in the old-fashioned independent spirit of the American way?
The pie dough is kneaded by the delicate, innocent fingers of small children in Sarah’s wholesome, all-American suburban neighborhood. And these children are recompensed for their loving labor through the old-fashioned barter system, where they are allowed to eat all the delicious pie dough they can stuff into their tiny little cherubic mouths. It’s straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting.
So fill your pie-hole with the original, organic, old-fashioned, all-American Sarah Shistfleck’s All-Natural Apple Pies. I guarantee that after you try just one slice, you’ll never want any other pie again.