(Adversetisement)

Melvin is a savvy burglar. He watches plenty of TV. So when he stepped onto the porch of Mrs. Wifty’s home, he instantly recognized the Ding doorbell. He knew it like instinct, from all the TV ads that had been saturating his subconscious.

“Ding!” he rang the doorbell.

“Hello? How may I help you?” a lady’s voice crackled on the dinky speaker.

Wait a second, wasn’t that an engine revving in the background? “Hi, I’m going around trimming trees. Wanna free estimate?” Melvin inquired.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m bathing my children right now.” the slightly desperate-sounding voice came back. A car honked its horn.

“Okay,” said Melvin. He walked around to the backyard, wondering if she was lying, or bathing her children in the middle of a traffic jam.

No, he knew. She was lying. Melvin was no idiot, and neither are you. He got away with a really cool haul from Mrs. Wifty’s house. He even took the Ding doorbell.

Now this tip may be obvious to you, but there’s much more to successful burglary than putting two-and-two together after watching hundreds of TV ads concerning a popular anti-burglary product.

And now we make this exclusive knowledge available to you, for just $20.00. That’s right, for only $20.00 you can enter almost any home in your neighborhood, armed with knowledge culled from the minds of America’s most experienced burglars.

Breaking and entering has never been more fun and profitable with the release of our latest book, Failsafe Felony. The low price of $20.00 will seem like a steal to you, when you break open the cover. You’ll pick the minds of San Quentin’s best, and learn valuable lessons such as the following:

Body-Grease for Chimneys
Risk-Free Rappelling
Tamping Tintinnabulation Without Cuts
Casing Tips for Contractors
Exercises to Improve Your Ducking, Leaping, and Sprinting Skills
Stockings, Paper Bags, and Other Clever Disguises
How Far to Punt a Yapping Chihuahua
And much, much more

To receive your must-have copy, just enclose a twenty-dollar bill, or your credit card, in an envelope, and mail it to the following address:

Dean Sneed, #G985139725033-a
Yard 12, Block 17, Suite #36
San Quentin Educational Facility
San Quentin, California

We’ll mail you a copy of Failsafe Felony, immediately after receiving your Andy Jackson. Yes, we really will. Don’t worry.