Be as solitary and quiet as the moon, when you hike.
I’m going to teach you how to hike. I’ve stomped many a hill, so I know what I’m talking about.
First and foremost, hike alone whenever possible. Hiking partners either slow you down or speed you up. You can’t enjoy nature at your own pace when you bring along an extra pair of legs.
Hiking partners also have a way of talking, and this destroys one of the best things about nature. Silence. You can’t hear any silence when someone else is talking. It also scares away the wildlife.
Being quiet allows you to stumble upon scenes like this.
If you must hike with a partner, get that person to agree to wear a gag. And keep quiet, yourself. Or hike only with deaf-mutes.
Begin your hikes about a half-hour before sunrise. Everyone else is sleeping at this time, making the trail yours, and yours alone. If you truly want to get away from it all, this is the time of day you must begin.
This is the best time of day to begin a hike.
Get off the damn trail. This is another clever way to get away from it all. You hardly ever come across another human being when you hike cross-country. You may get lost. You may die. But at least your end will occur in a beautiful natural setting.
Take off, cross-country.
Don’t worry about reaching your destination. I hardly ever reach mine. The outdoors is your destination, and that’s good enough. Stop frequently and enjoy your surroundings, wherever you amble. Lounge beneath a tree. Sit in the sun on a rock. Don’t worry too much about time. Just worry about getting back to your car before twilight. Unless you enjoy sleeping beneath the stars while freezing your ass off.
Lounge beneath a pine tree.
Hiking alone has its risks. One day you could end up as buzzard food, and no one would be the wiser. But being in the belly of a buzzard, soaring high into the atmosphere and then being pooped back to earth ain’t such a bad fate. Isn’t it all about being one with nature?
If the worst happens, at least you’ll get a beautiful sky burial, with the help of mother nature’s coroner.
Categories: Nature
Chasing Unicorns 
I have often worried about dying pooping, but never about being pooped after dying. That would truly be adding insult to injury.
You do have a point with getting there early. I take 4 extra legs with me every morning when I head out into nature. While I won’t say Duncan is quiet, he doesn’t talk much, which is good. And he can be relied upon to get herds of deer or flocks of geese/ducks/squirrels moving, so I do get to see lots of wildlife. (Yesterday morning I saw a bald eagle and three cardinals in a mating dance.) I love my mornings in the woods!
Your pictures are stunning — love the goats! I don’t get to see goats. And I will be pooped after I die. Life sucks.
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I didn’t know there were such nice places to hike in the DC area. Sounds like you have interesting walks. I miss hiking in the woods sometimes.
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There are a lot of them. I’m not far upstream from this place (although that’s not where I go in the mornings — you have to leash your dog there. Pishaw!:
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Beautiful video. I’ll have to put this place on my bucket list.
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Be sure to call me when you do. And allow lots of time for traffic…
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Oh yes, the traffic. I’ve heard of the beltway traffic. Didn’t know the problem extended that far out.
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It’s not far out at all. 15-20 miles from downtown DC. 5-8 outside the beltway. Miles. In minutes you get much bigger numbers.
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Well, we live outside L.A., and have to drive to that traffic-infested craphole now and then, so I think I understand what you’re getting at.
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I love to hike and I’m fortunate to have a hiking partner who shares my need for quiet and a pace that appreciates the nature around us.
However, much like Elyse said, I’d rather not be the source of something else’s poop … especially being dropped from metres in the sky with an undignified splat hitting earth.
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I see your point. But eventually, in some way, don’t we all end up as something else’s poop?
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yeaaaaah – sigh.
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But what if you step on a rattle snake and have no one to save you. Or you sprain and ankle, break a bone…
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That’s what the vultures are for. They clean up the mess when you screw up on the trail.
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But who helps you?
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Search and Rescue, eventually. Hopefully before the buzzards arrive.
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Well that would mean you’d have to take a potentially noisy cell phone with you..
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I always leave a note detailing where I plan to hike. Of course, there’s always the danger I may change my plans after I leave.
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I think there’s a few cracks in your plan..
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How often do you take these death defying walks? It does seem you are destined to win a Darwin Award.
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I hike whenever the spirit moves me. I don’t live too far from wilderness. Just a 10 minute hike from my front door, and I’m in the open desert. And I’m less than an hour’s hike from Joshua Tree National Park. So far, the Darwin Award has eluded me. But I’m careful. I drink plenty of water before setting out. And sometimes I even take water with me. I usually leave a note for my wife, in case I don’t come back, describing the general area where I plan to hike. And I usually hike in that general area. And as I’ve been getting older, my hikes have been getting shorter and less frequent. So sadly, I’m probably doomed to die in a rest home someday.
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As long as it’s not my husband planting me in the garden, I’m fine with going back to nature.
And pooped by birds… That’s a Tibetan, “Sky Burial”.
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I hope not. No one wants to be a star of The Forensic Files.
Funny you should mention Tibetan sky burials. I did this post on them, in January:
https://unicorniks.com/?s=sky+burial
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